I'm afraid I have a drinking problem (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As I’m writing this, it’s noon here in Sweden and I’m having a glass of wine, having already downed three shots of vodka. There was no more vodka, or I would have had more of that instead of wine.

I should be at the library doing research for my thesis, but I decided to give myself a day off and have a little drink instead. I find myself doing that more and more lately. I’ve decided to ask your advice, as I know we have some sober alcoholics here (such as scott evil, one of my heroes for managing to simply kick the habit in the ass one day over a year ago), as well as some doctors and just allround bright people.

It all started when I was in Russia for six weeks. Before then, I drank maybe once a fortnight. Nothing costs anything in Russia by Swedish standards, so I and my roommate ended up going out almost every night, and having at least one beer and probably two and sometimes sharing a bottle of wine and sometimes having a bottle of wine each. Even when we spent the night at home, we usually drank something from the local store.

When I got home, I found that my alcohol tolerance was way up and suddenly I enjoyed drinks like whisky and vodka that I’d never liked before (even though I barely drank any whisky or vodka while in Russia).

A few weeks later, my girlfriend of three years left me. At that point I’d decided to take two weeks off from drinking as I was a bit worried, but this happened on the eleventh day or so and I just thought sod it. I drank a lot to keep myself from breaking apart, and it worked too.

At the same time, I was acutely aware of the fact that I do have some genetic disposition for alcoholism (please don’t ask specifics), so I looked up what the warning signs of alcoholism are. Hiding your booze and lying about how much you drink were two of them, so I immediately became extremely open about how much I drink. I don’t hide it, I don’t lie about it.

I also decided to have at least three completely alcohol-free days per week. Usually, it will be Sunday-Monday-Tuesday as I go to a pub quiz on Wednesdays and I’ll usually drink on weekends. Last week, I drank Tuesday for some reason I can’t recall and so tried to keep Thursday and Friday alcohol-free so I could drink on Saturday and Sunday, as I was going to a party on Saturday and was going to a cardgame tournament with friends Sunday and if we did badly we were probably going out for beer.

As it turned out, I drank Thursday and Friday and so had to decline the champagne and wine I was offered at the Saturday party, but I did decline it, and the beer Sunday, but I did decline it, even though going out for beer with friends is one of my favourite activities, and was long before I went to Russia.

So, while I do drink a lot, and while I do start drinking early in the day quite often, I don’t hide it, don’t lie about it, don’t feel shame about it, and I can stop myself drinking if necessary. At the same time, I’m sometimes amazed and frightened by how normal it seems to drink some vodka at ten in the morning.

I’m afraid I have a problem, but I don’t know for sure. And I’m really, really, really scared of developing full-blown alcoholism, because that would mean never drinking again, ever. And I really love drinking. Which in turn makes me even more scared, because maybe I shouldn’t love it quite this much.

Any thoughts, advice or experiences would be appreciated.

2

Sorry to sound trite, but if you have to ask whether you have a problem, you have a problem.

Alcoholism doesn’t necessarily adhere to the stereotypes you know. Sure, it is an addiction, but individuals have different responses to the drug. Some wake up in the morning and need a drink. Others might go weeks or months before needing to have a mega binge to satisfy their cravings. Guilt and remorse are not indicators of the severity of the illness, nor is the need to hide your drinking. Shit…how many street-alkies do you see who make absolutely NO bones about the fact they are schnogging into a flagon of sherry at 9.00 am? No secrecy there.

You have some demons to confront, and I wish you a safe journey, whatever course you take. It’s bloody hard to relinquish a lover so predictable and secure as alcohol.

3

Are you holding the bottle, or is the bottle holding you?

4

I have been in the same boat for some time now.
I am now, reluctantly, starting to admit to myself that I do have a problem.
I can skip drinks for a day (although this does mean I won’t sleep very well) or even a week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a problem.
I am starting a dry-spell today, to see how hard it is.
The thing is that I don’t want to really stop drinking.

In short : to me it sounds like you don’t have a problem yet, but are underway to develop one.
It might be best just to lay of the booze for awhile, just to be sure.

5

One of the things that really hit me hard when I confronted my own alcoholism is that normal people don’t need to control their drinking. I was astonished.

So, if you have ever made efforts of whatever sort to “control” your drinking (deciding to not drink for X number of days, deciding to have only Y number of drinks per night, avoiding hard booze but beer or wine are fair game, etc., etc., etc.) – you probably have a problem with alcohol.

Help is available – as you note, there’s a small but significant recovering community here on the boards. Help is also available in real life – I got sober through the 12 steps of AA, though not everyone chooses to go the AA route.

And damn, I hate to post and run, but I have got to get dressed and go to work. I’ll check back later.

Hang in there – there is life after drinking.

twicks, sober 19 years, 4 months, and 3 days

6

These are the kinds of answers I was afraid of. I guess I really do have a problem then.

So what do I do now? Stop drinking entirely? Cut it down? Set limits? Any advice?

7

I’m a real party-liner on AA, which says that there are three possible states for an alcoholic: actively drinking; “dry drunk” (not drinking, but not dealing with your underlying BS), and sober. Sober is the hardest but the most rewarding.

You might want to consider the possibility of talking to someone in AA – there’s probably a chapter near you. Check the phone book – you can start by talking to someone on the phone, you don’t necessarily need to head to a meeting right this second. I spent several days just wrapping my mind around the concept of “oh shit, I’m an alcoholic” before I was ready to do anything.

Feel free to email me if you’d like – twickster47 at yahoo dot com.

8

Get to an AA meeting. You don’t have to be religious for it to work for you.

This book, which is completely online, REALLY helped me a lot after my alcoholic father broke my heart. It may help you understand yourself.

You could also get to a chatroom for recovering alcoholics and talk to someone. Any chat program you use … IRC, Yahoo, MSN – you’ll find someone.

Yes, but you’re going to need help.

Listen to twickster.

9

I second this. Some people have reported success with Moderation Management and similar programs, but I’m skeptical. I know that, as a true alcoholic, I simply cannot drink–as the Big Book says, “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.” I can do one or the other, but not both. I choose not to drink at all, and I have to be honest, I enjoy my life so much more now that I’m not always thinking about when I can have my next drink, or promising myself just one more, or waking up hung over and horrified by what I’d done while drunk the night before. The desire does pass; I’ve been sober long enough that I don’t even miss drinking any more. And I looooooooved to drink, believe me.

Priceguy, I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do. Check out an AA meeting; there’s no obligation to keep going if you decide it’s not for you, but you just might hear something you like there. You can find listings of international offices here where you can get information about local meetings, or just to talk to somebody.

10

I’m honored you mentioned me. I haven’t had a drink since November 4, 2002, which is when I posted my big confession on the SDMB. I got a lot of love and support from the people here as well as my old friends in AA. (I don’t go to meetings very often anymore.)

True, I stopped drinking that day, but I was in really, really, really bad shape in terms of my mental and physical health, my job, my finances… It was beyond a mess. It was like Trainspotting. Do you really need to get there before doing something? I really don’t want you or anyone else to have to find out how hellish it is to live in squallor, to not want to be seen eating because you shake so much you can’t lift a fork (and when you do manage to eat something you throw it up), to have true blackouts, to be so fucked up in the head even when not drunk until you can’t tell anymore when you’re drunk or not. No, I don’t think you want to go there.

It’s all well and good to make a decision to change - I’ve seen people here do that many times (I won’t mention any names) - but you have to act on that decision.

I could go on and on about how much better things are now, how the house is spotless, how I’m happily married, how I’ve gone back to school… But this thread isn’t about me. I’m just an example of what can happen when someone gets sober. It really is up to you. If you decide to stop drinking, then I and the other sober people here can help. Otherwise - and please don’t take this the wrong way - there’s nothing I can do for you.

11

First of all everybody: I appreciate your concern. But I also think you’re blowing this a bit out of proportion. I posted this to find out whether you all thought I might be in danger of developing alcoholism; not whether I already had. I am not an alcoholic, but I realize that I may very well be heading there.

This Saturday, I turned down booze even as it was put into my hand. This Sunday, I turned down going out for beer with friends. I did this simply because I’d decided that those two days were not days that I’d be drinking. That’s not what an alcoholic does.

The place is clean, my social life is the same as it ever was, and while it is fair to say that I’ve neglected my schoolwork to some degree, the reason is to be found in a general depression, not in drinking, although the depression does sometimes cause me to drink.

To sum up, I don’t think I need to stop drinking entirely. But the purposeless drinking in front of the computer stops now. Today was the last one.

The one thing that worries me is that when I’m sober, it seems so terribly attractive to get completely blitzed out of my skull. To totally waste an entire day. I don’t know why, but the idea is frighteningly appealing.

12

I completed a PhD and had a book published while drinking, and was teaching at the college level. You don’t have to be living in a shithole to be an alcoholic. Everyone has a different bottom that they hit, when they hit bottom.

The counselor who got me to confront my alcoholism asked me if I thought I was – I said “No, but I think I have the potential to become one.” This is a disease of denial.

Remember, normal people don’t need to control their drinking – they don’t have to expend all kinds of mental and emotional energy on deciding whether or not to drink, or when, or how much. Normal people can order a beer and not even finish it. Normal people don’t drink before they go out for the evening. Normal people don’t worry about whether they’re drinking too much, because they aren’t. Normal people can be have booze in the house and not even realize it.

You are absolutely the only person on this planet who can declare you to be an alcoholic. All I can say is, from what you’ve posted, you’re displaying a hell of a lot of alcoholic behavior.

13

I am not going to be popular here, but anyway - here goes.

I lived in Northern Europe long enough to know that drinking there is different that in the US. Especially for Scandanavians and Brits. There does seem to be a tendency to over indulge - and it seems to hit younger folks there faster.

The fact that you see that it could become a problem is good. I would suggest continuing on the 3 or 4 days with nothing, and then trying not to binge on the weekends. Once a month, I think it would not be too much to suggest you go for a week without a drink - I know, easier said than done - but plan to do and go other places than a bar.

Continue to give yourself reality checks every day, and especially on Monday after your weekends out. As you said, you aren’t trying to hide it - so be honest and try to get a grip on this before it does become a problem.

But count me as one who doesn’t think you need to check into the American Betty Ford Clinic just yet.

14

::sigh:: Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.

15

Mate, if you’re drinking vodka at 10am, you have a problem. You may think it’s manageable now, but at your current rate, picture yourself a year down the track. Five years? Ten years? Listen to the good people in this thread - you need to get some help now while you’re still sober enough to worry, before you’re too shitfaced to even realise or care that something’s wrong. Alcoholism isn’t something that happens overnight - it grows on you incrementally until you need that 10am bracer, and start hiding the shit at work to get you through the day. {I’m not an alcoholic, just {ha!} a tranq addict, but I lived with one for two years, and you’re showing too many of the signs for comfort}

16

I’m curious about this. What’s the difference between “dry drunk” and sober? It seems to me if you’re not drinking, you’re sober. (unless of course you’ve replaced booze with, say, meth.) Do you have to deal with your underlying BS through AA, or will therapy or other solutions do. I’ve known a few people who stopped drinking through acts of will, and they don’t seem to be any worse off than people who do the twelve step route. Heck, President Bush himself quit drinking through will and prayer. He seems to have come out alright.

I worry sometimes that rather than helping people deal with their underlying BS, AA just becomes a crutch to replace booze. Also the whole “dry drunk” idea lends AA a vaguely cult-like aspect which I find a bit creepy. It’s that whole “If you don’t do things our way, you are clearly still messed up, no matter how well you seem to be doing” thing.

I realize that AA has saved many people’s lives, and I don’t want to knock it completely. If it’s what you need, it’s what you need. This is clearly an area where YMMV applies. But I’m just a little confused about the notion of a “dry drunk.”

As far as the OP goes, Case Sensitive is right. Drinking vodka at 10:00 am is not a good sign. (And yes, I’m aware of the cultural differences regarding alchohol between the U.S. and Scandanavia.)

17

Sobriety isn’t just about your blood alcohol level at any given point – it’s about a stance of honesty in the universe. A person who’s not drinking but not in recovery is closer to an active alcoholic than he or she is to someone who’s sober, in that he or she is not yet owning up to what he or she has done and is doing to him- or herself and to the people around him or her. (Yikes, sorry about that hellish tangle of pronouns, I should rewrite all of that, but I’m not going to.)

As far as AA is concerned – it’s a group of human beings, and it has good stuff and bad stuff associated with that, because human beings are, well, human. I am not uncritical of AA as an organization – and I’ll be totally honest, I am no longer actively involved in AA in the sense of attending meetings, etc. I also know that there’s no way in hell I could have gotten sober without the experience, strength, and hope of the recovering community and very, very regular attendance at meetings during my first few years clean. Because AA is not just about the people – it’s about certain principles, the steps, and I do still try to live by the 12 steps of AA, which are about knowing that I need to accept responsibility for the things that I do and don’t do. I say “I try to” because I continue to be human, and I still screw up and I still make mistakes and I still do stupid stuff.

But none of it is shit I need to drink over, and that is an amazing blessing to me.

18

That, at least, is highly debatable.

19

Yawn. Does every thread have to turn into anti-Bush sniping? I don’t like or support the guy, but that was wholly inappropriate here.

20

The OP sounds pretty much like someone who’s drinking alcoholically to me. And I do have some experience, both personal and professional, to base that on.

But hey, noone gets well until they decide they need to. And some people spontaneously remit (about 4% longterm, more in the short run). In AA’s heyday, before all the damned ‘court mandated’ meeting attendance, the AA attitude was “If you think you can go out there and control your drinking, go right ahead and the best of luck to you. But if you try and fail, and fail again and again, as we have, then feel free to come on back and give us another try. We’ll be here”. Attraction rather than promotion.

And I’ve been dry and I’ve been sober. Sober is 10,000% better. Dry is all the pain in the world, without the alcohol or drugs to deaden it. Sober is having worked thru the pain, and gotten past it, and gotten on with my life.

Good luck, Priceguy. I hope you find a path that’s right for you. I thought I could never live without alcohol. I remember thinking, during my first detox, many decades ago, that “someday, I will drink again or life isn’t worth living!”. I don’t know whether or not I will drink again, but life is sure worth living sober.

But that’s just me.

QtM, humanist and AA member. 14 years and 10+ months since I needed to take a drink or a drug. ODAAT