Pitting myself for being a drunk

The BBQ Pit
1

You just had to have that last margarita, didn’t you, self? You weren’t happy with three (one of which must have had at least four shots in it); no, you had to have “just one more.”

You thought you were okay with making rules for yourself. After 3 straight months of being drunk 5-6 nights out of the week, you finally realized you had a problem. So you made rules. Drinking on weekend nights (Friday and Saturday) is okay, and then ONE extra night a week. But does Sunday count? One glass of wine on Sunday won’t hurt, right? Sunday’s a weekend night, technically, although work is the next day, so one glass of wine should logically be okay.

So, after two nights of not drinking, it was finally Wednesday! The day you had agreed that you could drink. And you’re paying for it now. Sleeping under your officemate’s desk for half an hour and then getting up to ralph in the bathroom? Real professional.

Fuck you, self. If you can’t stick to these rules, I’m taking you to an AA meeting, which scares the shit out of you. You don’t want to admit to yourself that you have a problem. You don’t want to admit that you might not have complete control over your drinking. You don’t want to admit that you’re sitting at your desk dizzy, headachy, and miserable. You don’t want to admit that you’re slightly afraid.

Fuck. :frowning:

2

Go to the meeting. Yes, it is scary and repulsive to toss yourself into the company of a bunch of drunks. But I got news for you: you are just about to meet some of the most interesting, intelligent, and talented human beings you could ever find. My father was an alcoholic, as was his, and so on. I got lucky, I’m simply not physically capable of drinking two days in a row. But I’ve gone to a couple of meetings with the old man, and, damn, I almost wish I could say I was an alcoholic simply so I could hang with some of these people!

You’re just about to save your life. You’re just about to meet the best friends you’re ever going to have. Its only one step.

Do it! And God bless.

3

You’ve admitted that you are a drunk. That’s a good start. Go the meeting, they are cheap compared to jail or rehab and better than unemployment. Take a moment to think about all the things you have wasted or fucked up because of drinking, that helps me. Compare that to all the things you have gained because of drinking for me that was a pretty puny list. Don’t make deals with yourself. There is no point in drinking if you are not going to get wasted. Be sober the rest of today and tonight. Do it again tommorrow. Good luck.

4

Good luck TWG. You’re doing the right thing. Sober life can be fun too.

5

AA people are some of the brightest, kindest, most fun loving and accepting people in the world – plus a few absolute sanctimonious dipwads. But you know what? It takes all of them to make it work. Just dive on in. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

6

The trick in life, I find, is to somehow replace one’s BAD HABITS with good ones - if possible.

To that end, a sporting interest is a great option. Obviously, your health and fitness improve out of sight - but more importantly, if it’s a sport which has competition early in the morning on both Saturday’s and Sunday’s (and I can think of a few where all ages can mix it up) then what happens is that you start looking forward to the next day, rather than to the booze you can swallow tonight.

I know, I know… it doesn’t work for everyone - but think about it… you never know.

And great post Luci.

7

It’s very scary, and very hard, but it’s ultimately a step you take or you don’t. One day you may look at that one drink differently. You may look at it and realise that the days have blurred together and you can’t remember anything for months behind you. You may look at it and ask yourself, “If I take this drink, how long will it be before I’m clear again?”

Will it be days? Months? Years? Will the next time I’m clear enough to remember something be when I’m 40? 50?

Will that day ever even happen? Every alcoholic knows that one day the first drink will be the last thing they remember. Sorry if that’s heavy. You can email me if you need someone to talk to. You can also read the big book online at:

http://www.aa.org/

No one is ever alone at a meeting. If you can’t handle a room full of people, call ahead and they’ll get someone to talk with you one on one.

8

Thanks so much for the good words, guys. I wasn’t always like this. My drinking has really picked up in the last few months (starting around the one year anniversary of losing my mom), and I’ve been thinking all day about various other triggers (work stress, etc.) that could have brought it on.

I ended up leaving work around two, coming home, sleeping it off, and then going back to work from about 6 till 9; I got a bunch of stuff done, which made me feel really good. :slight_smile:

I also spent a part of the morning/afternoon looking at aa.org and thinking about the organization. The first step I’m going to take is talk to a therapist friend of mine, who also knew my mom. I’m going to talk to her about the last few months, and listen to what she has to say, and I’m going to figure out whether or not I’m capable of slowing down, tapering off, whatever. If I can’t, then it’s AA for me. Most people I’ve talked to about my drinking completely honestly say that they don’t think I’m alcoholic, just that I’ve got a problem. It sounds like semantics to me, and it’s not really up to them in the end, though.

My goal (as fucked up as it sounds) is not to stop drinking, but just get to where I was before–drinking socially, normally, not to excess. I think I can do it, but only time will tell. If I can’t, I can’t. But goodness, I hope I can.

I’ll be taking it easy this weekend. No getting trashed, or probably even tipsy. It’s been great to talk to people, and to also hear what you guys have to say. Believe me, it’s appreciated.

9

I wouldn’t even think about it. I’d just go to the meeting. It’s scary as hell to walk in there for the first time, but when you walk out at the end of the meeting, you will feel so much better. I promise. :slight_smile:

E-mail me if you wanna talk, OK?

Robin, sober since 3/12/93

10

Are you me? I also just decided to stop drinking. The other night I needed JUST ONE MORE drink but was out of ice so I went into the garage and pulled one of the 2-liter bottles of ice out of the freezer (we use to take up room) and was bashing it with a hammer on the garage floor at around midnight, much to the delight of our townhouse neighbors, I’m sure. I just picked up a book at the library called “Sober for Good” and it talks about all the options you have aside from AA, which a lot of people have issues with because of the “higher power” thing, etc.

E-mail me if you want. I could probably stand someone to talk to through the next few days/weeks/months.

11

My father used to do that. He would look around at the p.o.s. his life had become, and come to the firm conclusion that he would simply have to stop drinking. He felt so good about his decision, he got drunk to celebrate.

I can’t say if you’re an alcoholic or not, I’m not a member, just an observer. But if the old man were here, he’d point out how you said that, you’re gonna take it easy, not get smashed, and probably not even tipsy. You left yourself a trap door. Like I said, I’m not qualified to take your inventory, but I gotta tell you: that’s not a real good sign.

Throbbin’ Robin’s got it right: go. The worse that can happen to you is you make some new friends. I stone guarantee you’ll meet someone you like. Cross my heart, hope to die. If you walk out convinced you’re not an alcoholic, then one less thing to worry about. If you walk out convinced that you are, you may very well have just saved your life.

I’ve met any number of smart and talented alcoholics, they are like ballerinas dancing with a bowling ball With a lot of effort and luck, they might not actually embarrass themselves. But if they dropped it, they could soar.

12

Well, AA is for alcoholics, and I understand that, as a result, they have a sorta doctrinal stance that sobriety means not drinking at all; they might not be supportive of your goal. (Whether or not you can manage social drinking is, however, a question you should probably look at closely.)

There are other treatment methods. Some people claim they are as effective as AA; the one thing that can be agreed upon is that none of them are amazingly effective. I dunno if Rational Recovery and other programs are effective or not, but some of them have books you could take a look at and see if they seem worth a try.

(Keep in mind: I’m not an expert, and despite my brain’s best efforts to the contrary, I’m not an addict either, except for cigarettes and coffee. So don’t, like, assume I’m right here.)

13

The difference between “being an alcoholic” and “having a drinking problem” is most definitely not just semantics. Having a drinking problem doesn’t mean that you are a “drunk” or that you are destined to have a drinking problem for the rest of your life.

AA is a wonderful organization–BUT–it does have a very particular view of things. Since it is the best known program out there, it has had an inordinate influence on defining what constitutes alcoholism and the best ways to treat it. Therefore, it might seem that you have only one “sanctioned” alternative–stop drinking completely and commit yourself to being an AA-style “recovering alcoholic” for the rest of your life. AA works for many people, but it isn’t the answer for everyone. (there have been a bunch of threads on the subject over the years.)

Your goal of becoming a normal social drinker is reasonable. Lots of people do have drinking problems for a while, and then become normal social drinkers. If the heavy and uncontrollable drinking is tied to situational factors, then there is a good chance of “recovery” without stopping drinking entirely. Of course, that depends on changing the situation that triggered the heavy drinking in the first place. You’ve identified several situational factors and admitted that you do have a problem. So, you’re in a great position.

The difficulty of the post-college years can not be underestimated. For the first time in your life, you have no official structure. Losing your mom at the same time might be making you feel really un-anchored and without a safety net. (please excuse the awful mixed metaphor.) Also, it can be hard to adjust to leaving the highly social college atmosphere and entering the less sociable post-college world. Going out a lot is obviously very social, and drinking is usually part of that. As you know, I made the college- to post-college transition in Pittsburgh, and as such, I know well that Pittsburgh is a hard-drinking town. I also know well the feeling of coming out of a hard Pittsburgh winter and how wonderful it feels to be out on a terrace somewhere drinking a margarita!

So, how can you change the factors that have led to your over-drinking? Some short-term therapy might help. Just talking to someone on a regular basis about your feelings of loss and stress will help you feel better, even if it doesn’t affect your drinking. You mention job stress. Maybe something in that department can be changed. Boo Boo Foo’s suggestion of taking up a sport is excellent–not just because it can provide an incentive not to drink, but also because it can be a stress-reliever and a social outlet as well. Western PA is an outdoor sport mecca! Are you a member of a gym? I got to know tons of fun folks when I worked at the JCC in Squirrel Hill. (If you’re not familiar with the JCC, I’ll point out that the gym facilities are patronized by a great variety of people. In other words, it’s not all Jewish.)

On a more practical and immediate level, you can change some of the factors that lead to your heavy drinking. As you have come to realize, the particular set of rules that you came up with aren’t going to work for you. But that doesn’t mean that other ones won’t. If you have a weakness for margaritas, maybe swear off of them and drink something else. If there is one bar or one friend that seems to lead to overindulgence, then do something else.

Someone I know well had quite the drinking and drug problem in her college and post-college years. She had gone to a major party school (WVU) and graduated with no clear sense of career direction. Then a temp job led to a career she loves. She’s now about 30 and an extremely successful Wall Street type. She still drinks socially, and occasionally parties very hearty, but definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem. She knows that she’s always going to have to watch herself, but she’s not an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination.

That said, you still might want to go to an AA meeting. Couldn’t hurt. Could help. You’ll learn something in any case. I went to several Alateen meetings when I was a teenager, as I was dealing with an alcoholic family member. I chose not to continue going, but it was definitely a valuable experience and I’m glad I went. And if you don’t get your drinking under control, and you do choose to go the AA route, at least you’ve already made that immensely difficult step of walking through the door for the very first time.

Good luck, and please let us all know how things are going.

p.s. Drop me an email. I’m going to be in Ohiopyle next month. Cucumber Falls will sober you up right quick, ha ha!

14

What was meant by this? Cause I’m confused.

15

So, how did this plan work out for you? The difference between an alcoholic and the rest of the world is that the alcoholic cannot control how much they will drink once they take the first one. If you find that you consistently drink more than you intended, congratulations, you’re one of us. It has been said a million times, but it bears repeating: when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging. Using a smaller shovel won’t get you out of that hole.

16

TWG,

In February, I started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and, although I was scared at first, I was so glad I walked into that first meeting. I have several to choose from here and it’s great to go to different meetings and see the same people at a lot of them. I have found a couple of meetings during the week where I feel very comfortable and when I recently had a 6-week relapse and came back a week ago, people still remembered me and welcomed me back with open arms and complete understanding.

I had a problem with the “higher power” thing at first, because I’m not religious, but spiritual (take that as you will). I see the term"higher power" as “believing in something bigger than ourselves to which we can look for strength”. It really helps get past the “God” aspect.

Every time I feel like I don’t need a meeting or I really don’t feel like going, but I force myself to, I ALWAYS get something out of it. I can relate to something someone has said, or sometimes (I’ve been told) I will say something that will inspire someone to think. It can be very rewarding.

Now, about whether or not you have a problem: I’ve often wondered that about people who don’t drink every day, yet when they do drink (often every weekend), they can’t stop at one or two. My husband is like that, but I don’t want to say he’s an alcoholic, as I don’t know enough about that. I needed my drug–all day, every day–just to function. He only needs to drink on Saturday nights, but if he has something to do on Sunday, he won’t drink, but he will be very grumpy. Saturday night is his “trigger”. Is he an alcoholic? I don’t know. But he won’t even take a beer if offered by someone unless he’s going to continue to polish off a 12-pack or more. That sounds like a problem to me, but I’m in no place to say so. If he wants to blow off some steam Sat. night with a 12-pack, I’m not going to stand in his way. It only bothers me when he doesn’t drink and he gets really irritable–not mean or anything–but it’s like me when I don’t have my drug. So, who knows?

Whatever happens, good luck to you. It’s not easy to admit you have a problem (if indeed you do). It took me a few years of rationalizing and trying to “control” my use before I realized I had to do something about it. But NA is opening up a whole new world for me and I’ve met some wonderful people.

17

It worked okay, actually. I had one beer on Friday and a few on Saturday (definitely not enough to get me drunk), and then ended up taking a cab back to my bf’s house because I didn’t feel like hanging out with a bunch of drunk people. I think this weekend was a test of sorts, and I’d like to think that I passed. I stopped, and to me, that was a big big step. I’m not going to drink this week at all (it’s crazy at work and I don’t really care to repeat Thursday’s debacle.)

And for everyone who’s wondering; yes, I’m still going to go to a meeting. I’m going to go with a friend of mine this week who used to go a lot, and just sit and listen, or maybe share if I feel like it.

catsix, I think what hlanelee meant by that quote (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, h) was many alcoholics have that attitude, and that’s pretty much how I felt for the past few months.

Again, I’d just like to thank everyone for their input, thoughts, well-wishes, etc. :slight_smile:
It meant more to me than you guys know. I’ll post about the meeting this week after I go. Thanks again.

18

One more thing. In continuation of what Fear Itself was saying: In the NA literature, they state “one is too much and 1,000 is never enough”. If one or two set you off, it’s a red flag.

Okay, perhaps I answered my own question about my husband. Hmm.

19

TWG,

Sorry, I didn’t see your post before I hit submit on that second one.

I’m glad you’re still going to a meeting. Listening to others’ experiences can be rewarding, even if you’re leaning more toward “not having a problem”. You can see where it can get you if it gets out of hand. I’m looking forward to hearing about your experience.

:slight_smile: