I am not a mother. This seems to disturb other women, some to the point where they will ask me what’s wrong with me and/or my husband, why didn’t we just adopt, weren’t we being a little bit selfish, how sad that you’ll be alone when you’re old and never hold a grandchild. My husband and I were together for many years, afterwards I met Mr. Beckwall and he already had a child and we couldn’t have another. His daughter does not really consider me any type of mother figure, which is understandable since I only see her every few years.
So you can guess that this day is one stinking nightmare for me. Add into the mix my mother, who began to abuse me in my early years (mostly emotional, along the lines of waking me up from a sound sleep to tell me I was a very bad child) and ended up killing herself, after what I can only describe as a lifetime of demons and pain. Bless her soul now, wherever she is, I forgive her. Problem is not forgiving, it’s the forgetting part.
This is probably the lamest Pit ever. But maybe, if someone reads it, they’ll stop and think before asking a woman about her child-bearing decisions. It’s none of your fucking business, anyway. I got smart and started saying, very sweetly, “Now do I get to ask you an incredibly rude and thoughtless question?”
Well, no one has ever asked me about my child-bearing decisions (and I seriously hope people never do.) But, I understand the frustration and anger you get from nosy people. My friend’s kind of like that. She hides her nosiness with fake concern and sympathy. “The world is full of pain. You have to talk to someone about your pain if you want it to go away.” She really did say that to me a few days ago. :rolleyes:
I can totally understand your perspective, however I’m on the opposite end. If I talk about how I’d like to have a child someday, someone is always there to tell me how children are bad, and I’m an idiot because I’d like to be a mother. In my opinion, if I wanted the person’s opinion, I’d ask for it… Which also applies in your situation. People should just keep their noses out of other people’s business unless the subject is legitimately open for discussion, and obviously it wasn’t.
Okay, I have a real question here. I’m not trying to pry into anybody’s life, I’m really trying to figure this out. Of course I understand that if I don’t know you or spend time with you regularly none of it is my business unless you make it so. But if, say, I’m a coworker or fellow member at the gym or somebody who sees you often enough to feel acquainted, is it okay to ask, once, if you not being a mother is by choice? If that’s the total extent of the question? Because then I have a better idea of how things are for you, and maybe can be more sensitive about what I say or mention at other times.
Hell if I know. Apparently we’re supposed to just suck it up and reproduce to make it up to the generations that had kids which managed to result in our existence. Frankly, I think it’d be selfish for me to have a kid only to live up to expectations, since I’d be a really crappy mom.
I know that what I’m about to say will sound thoroughly cliche, but I mean it in all sincerity - namely, I recognise that it must be real tough being a female on Mother’s Day without children while also having the background you’ve had - but through it all, just pump out the love. Every chance you get, just pump out love. It’ll come back to you in the long run I promise.
Now here’s someone who lives on my planet. I raised my abusive parents from the time I was 8 years old. When I found out that I was not having children of my own, it felt weird but OK because I knew that I would not be able to parent without being abusive myself.
And yeah, it is incredibly nosy to ask if I am childless by choice. What possible difference could that make to a friendship?
(Bolding mine) You know something? That’s not exactly true (the bold part that is). There’s a theory on being a parent which argues that all adult human beings carry childhood wounds of some sort (to a lesser or great degree).
The theory of “sub-selves” argues that children who grow up in low-nurturance environments carry more wounds than those who grow up in high-nurturance environments - and that by extension, such children grow “sub-self” versions of themselves who are known as “protectors or guardians”.
The theory states that these “protector” sub-selfs can be minimised by analysing who they are, and who they’re trying to protect. The latter part is particularly interesting. The wounds we carry as adults from our childhood years are very subliminal in the way they manipulate our behaviour - but none of it is parmanent, or so the theory suggests.
The thinking is this - once we can recognise who our “protector” sub-selfs are, then we can pacify them and ask them to relax and not be so inlfuential on our “true self”. At that point, as a parent, we begin to break the cycle of wounds which were passed down to us by OUR parents.
I’m particularly proud of your response to the tactless individual who nosed in on you. Some people have this cookie cutter view of life that makes it an injustice if someone doesn’t fit into it.
It couldn’t make any difference to the actual substance of the friendship.
I was thinking that maybe one discreet question, at a private point, might be better than several hurtful blunders over time, talking about kids or pregnancy or things like that. We had a friend, years ago, who avoided us because we had a baby when she was trying unsuccessfully to conceive. I know people who can’t even talk about other people’s kids because they don’t have any of their own and would like to. That kind of thing is what prompted the question, because it seemed to me that someone who chose not to have children might deal with those topics differently than someone for whom it wasn’t a choice.
Having Children Is Selfish: The world is intensly overpopulated. Having children increases the burden on our natural resources. The only reason you want to have children is to carry on your name and your genetic code, thinking it will give you some twisted form of immortality. You selfish, selfish person, you.
Not Having Children Is Selfish: If you don’t want kids, it’s because you would rather spend the money it takes to raise a child on yourself. You’re proving to the world that you shirk responsibility. You would rather have the freedom and finances to travel at the drop of a hat, make extravagant purchases, and engage in sexual practices without worrying that “the kids might hear us”. You selfish, selfish person, you.
I think a link to this page on the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement Web site is appropriate at this point. Scroll down to the table titled “Why Breed?” and you will have all the ammo you need.
(Note: My intent is not to diss those who choose to have kids for any of the reasons given. Want kids? Knock yourself out. I just don’t like it when other people try to force any of these reasons on ME, and I find the answers provided to be pretty good comebacks. Fortunately I don’t run into these boneheads very often.)
Thanks Eddy Teddy Freddy
