I don’t know what I ate, but I’ve got the worst gas right now. It’s moving around noisily in my gut. A bit earlier I ripped a fart and had to quickly clench my arse to stop the progression of some peanut butter that had tried to sneak out behind it. :eek:
Usually my sphincter is nimble enough that I can gracefully maneuver gas around logs without having any accidents, but not tonight. Oh no, not tonight.
Where’s lieu? I’m sure he’s got stories…
Oh, the suspense…
Oh, you can’t imagine how much I HATE it when that happens. And of course, it NEVER happens when I am safe at home. Nooooo. It ALWAYS happens when I’m at the mall, or even worse, when I’m at a business that has no public restroom. :rolleyes:
It never happens when you want it to. I’d love to have a stash of atomic flatulance ready to dump on a certain person at work. Wait till he goes to the restroom and then have a surprise waiting for him when he got back to his office.
Sometimes you can have a world of fun with it in the supermarket. Leave a deadly stench at one end of the aisle and then wait and watch the fun at the other end.
My buddy had a chair at his office that was made from some special material called Fartsorba™. He could let one tear into that cushion and immediately get up, and the chair contained the evil poot until some unsuspecting cow-orker plopped down releasing the stench of doom. 
That’s one of the best topic/username combos, I’ve seen in awhile. 
Blaugh! Yeah, one of my co-workers got a new chair awhile ago. It’s kind of poufy - it “breathes” at you when you sit in it. I’m kind of apprehensive whenever I borrow his chair b/c I can imagine him cutting a big hunk 'o cheese in it, and then when I sit down the chair breathes its fart breath all over me.
Is the peanut butter smooth or chunky?
Chunky, definitely.
It’s not so bad now. Tums have helped.
I know all this talk is extremely sexy, but one at a time, boys… 
While we’re on the subject…last hockey season a friend of mine and I were at a game, and stopped in the ladies room on our way back to our seats after smoke break. We were both washing our hands when the loudest fart I have ever heard erupted from one of the stalls. I am talking an award winner here, both in volume and duration. If I had been by myself it wouldn’t have been as bad, but my friend and I took one look at each other and ran for the door with dripping hands, because we both were about to burst into gales of laughter. I think we made it out in time - I really didn’t want the poor lady to know we were laughing at her.
Excuse me, ladies don’t fart; they glow.
No, wait, that’s not right.
Speaking of TMI, I had an incredibly bad stomach flu once that manifested as diapoopus of the blowhole, and had an unfortunate incident with an innocent-seeming fart. Nothing like getting out of your sick bed to change your jammies and the bedclothes and take a shower because you just blew a fart with follow-through. Man, that was some stomach flu. I have never crapped so much in my life.
So that’s where peanut butter comes from.
The only time that this ever happened to me was in kindergarten, but I didn’t tell anyone, so I just sat in my own poo for the rest of the day.
You’re not alone. I “had to throw away underwear” (that’s my new phrase for shitting your pants) just a few weeks ago. I had had a delicious dunkin donuts iced coffee and then drove to Michael’s to buy some pretty beads. On the way, I began to feel unwell so I turned around and “had to throw away underwear” right in my own bathroom. As luck would have it, no human members of the family were at home. I get a little shiver every time I think of how it might have gone down had I chosen to continue on to Michaels.
I was going to have a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, but now… :eek:
12 years old. Playing 2nd base in a the league championship game. Wearing white uniform pants. In the 2nd inning. I made a point to slide on my backside as soon as I had an excuse to. Thankfully, the field was a bit muddy.
1: When my brother and I were kids. Once we were in church and, just at a silent part, my brother ripped an enormous fart that rattled the pew. My mom was mortified.
2: I worked at Michaels when I was about 19. One day I was shelving some stock as a middle-aged lady browsed beside me. We were the only two people in the aisle. All of a sudden, she exclaimed, “Oh! Oooh! Oooh!” and hurried away. I was puzzled, but then a moment later I was hit with this wall of stink…it was like sulfur and warm garbage. She must have shat herself on that one. Either it was a fart, or her colostomy bag exploded. I’ve never smelled a fart that bad before or since.
3: When Mr. AFG was about 10 or so, his route home from school included a bridge he had to cross. When it rained, numerous toads came to sit on the bridge. Mr AFG is terrified of toads. So, one day he was coming home from school, feeling kinda gassy. It was pouring, and the toads were out en masse, so he ran as fast as he could over the bridge. There were so many toads that he accidentally stepped on one - crunch. The horror of that plus the exertion from running caused a tuba-fart blast, followed by a hearty mound of poo. He said he ran the rest of the way home with a packet of poo shaking in his undies.
I used to work with a guy that could put the best of them to shame. We both were magazine delivery drivers. Every other Friday, we had a drivers meeting that we had to go to and we usually went in his truck. Anyway, he would always have something like cabbage soup the night before. (I know it was on purpose to.) We’d be driving along and all of a sudden the air in the truck would literally turn green. :eek: He’d reach over, grab a magazine and start fanning the air and he would state with as straight a face as could be “anything that fragrant deserves to be fanned”. Only after I was gasping for air while trying desperately to get the window open would he bust a gut and start laughing uncontrolably. My nose will never be the same.
One of the unfortunate results of gastric bypass surgery is that farting increases dramatically…not every day, mind you, but there are some really bad days. I’m so pleased that Oust air freshener has come out with a super-tiny, pocket sized can of air freshener that I can carry in my apron pocket at work. It’s only $1.99 (their regular size cans are too expensive for me) and it has lasted weeks now. My coworkers laugh at me, but they are grateful, because it does work so well. It’s really tiny…maybe 2.5 inches tall, and I can use it discreetly.
And BobLibDem? I’m never that lucky in the grocery store. I shop fairly late at night, and I may not see anyone else for aisles and aisles, but if I have to let one rip, immediately people will enter the aisle from both ends, trapping me in the middle and leaving no doubt whose fault it is.