Things Skippy the Pirate Can't Do

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

You may be familiar with the list of 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army. A few enterprising nerds have created variations on this list, such as a Dungeons & Dragons list and a Star Trek list.

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, my friends and I have begun to compile a pirate version of the Skippy list. Here’s what we have so far:

  1. I will not tie-dye the Jolly Roger.
  2. I will not keep a pet termite collection, especially not in a wooden box.
  3. I will not wear more than one eye patch at a time.
  4. I will not take the poop deck literally.
  5. ‘Wazzup’ is not an appropriate pirate greeting.
  6. There’ll be no more playing bocce with the mortar shells.
  7. I will not whittle the mast.
  8. I will not whittle other pirates’ peg legs.
  9. Just because Jack Sparrow did it, doesn’t mean I should raid my mom’s make-up drawer.
  10. I will not moon passing ships from the crow’s nest.
  11. The captain’s daughter is not to be discussed in an unChristian manner.
  12. Especially not when addressing the captain.
  13. Untying the female captive is a bad idea, no matter how nice she seems.
  14. I will not play ‘Tarzan’ in the ship’s rigging.
  15. The ship’s wheel is not to be used as a dartboard. Particularly not when the helmsman is using it.

Can you help us come up with some more?

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  1. Will not say “Yo ho” every time I take aswig of rum.
3

A new one:

  1. No matter what Three-Toed Willy says, the bottles marked with little skulls and cross-bones are not Pirate Ale.
4

And even more:

  1. We do not test the sails for flamability whilst crossing the Atlantic.
  2. “Yo-ho-ho” is not a term of address for lasses.
5
  1. The Captain’s parrot is his friend and pet, not coq au vin for four.
6

Booty will not be refered to as “Junk in the Trunk.”

The Jolly Roger doesn’t get washed with bleach.

I will not mark random X’s on the treasure maps “to throw them off the trail.”

Playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates or Tampa Bay Buccaneers doesn’t make you “One of Us.”

Swabbing the deck involves a mop, not dumping Q-Tips all over the place.

7

“Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest” is not an invitation for everyone to sit on the bosun’s corpse.

8

Enron and Tyco executives, on the other hand …

9

I will not use me left (hooked) hand to wipe me bum. Ever. Again.

10

I will not sing the song “A Pervert’s Life For Me.”

I will not tell the navigator to steer “first star to the left and straight on 'till morning.”

I will not call “dibs on the fat chick” before we raid a town.

11

I will always remember, it’s loot, pillage, and then burn. In that exact order.

12

Along those lines, always remember that you’re supposed set fire to the houses and rape the maidens. Don’t mix it up.

13

I will not strike the Jolly Roger and hoist an inflatable sheep in its stead. No matter who we are attacking.
The captain’s muskett is not a vase.
I will not refer to the ship’s cook as “Our Galley Sally”
It is bad form to knowingly infect a lass with the pox before letting another crewmate have his turn with her.

14

Can’t go the strip club claiming you were lured there by the siren’s song.

No running around swinging cutlass, singing “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

Can’t Armor-All the deck ever again.

15

No singing the “Men” song more than once!

http://www.compleatsteve.com/bits/men.htm

16

Hmmmm. I’m still stuck on “stampede the women and rape the cattle” :smiley:

17

Not allowed to tell pillaging victims that we’re really nice guys once you get to know us.

When we pillage, we’re looking for gold, not chocolate.

I will not suggest parlay to any hostage, ever.

I will never use the words “union,” “worker’s comp,” “minimum wage,” or “dental” when claiming my share of any treasure.

“Shoot first, ask questions later,” does not mean I am allowed to actually interrogate a corpse.

18

The Captain’s parrot does not outrank the Captain.

19

I am not allowed to dress in black and try to infiltrate the Ninjas.