Need some good advise about dating, Rock n Roll, or decorating the Den? Having trouble with “The Fonz”? Ask 50’s Dad! 50’s Dad is: a conservative, white-collar high-tech worker who lives in a bedroom community; 50’s spouse is a stay-at-home Mom; 50’s kids are a 3-year-old girl and a 1-year-old boy; 50’s family owns only one automobile. 50’s Dad has got a scotch on the rocks in his hand to sip thoughtfully as he contemplates your questions (it’s always after 5:00 pm in the 50’s, and 50’s Dad would never drink alcohol before 5). I’ll get you started.
Dear 50’s Dad,
My boyfriend & I have been going steady for about 18 months now, and I’ve been thinking about going to “second base” with him. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m afraid to ask my friends or my parents. What do you think? Should I go to second? Sign me, Stranded at First.
Dear Stranded,
I know there’s a lot of pressure on young ladies to ‘go to second’, listen to rock n roll music, and wear skirts above the knee, but you’re smart to want to wait. If this young man truely respects you, he’ll wait until he’s married you before trying to go to second base. A young lady must (above all else) uphold her reputation. 50’s Dad
My friend Ralph confided to me that he has a homosexual crush on his friend Potsie. What types of rocks should I use to throw at him? Are the ones I find in my driveway adequate?
Hey Pops! What’s up with this marijuana stuff? Eddie got this stuff from Pedro his Mom’s pool boy, and he says it’s super keen, and makes the girls put out like nobodies business, but Eddie also told us wearing PF Flyers would let us bounce like kangaroos if we jumped off the garage, and I wound up breaking my leg.
Signed - Cautiously Optimistic
I married my wife a year ago. She is a housewife but claims that our one bedroom apartment doesn’t provide enough work to keep her occupied. How could that be? All the other wives have challenged their husband to a ‘switcheroo’ for a day to see who really pulls in the bacon. I admit that my lunch box is packed as anyone else’s at the job. Taking her with me on one out of my three bowling nights hasn’t stopped her bordeom. The guys at the lodge haven’t been much help.
Dear Ritchie,
Good for you for looking out for your friend. You’re a fine young man. You needn’t worry, though, about Ralph. I’m sure his folks will get him the help he needs to get through this phase. In the mean-time, try to remember that things like this are almost always caused by listening to rock n roll music, so you should and your friends should do your best to not listen to it, and try to keep Ralph from listening to it if possible.
Dear Cautiously Optimistic,
While 50’s Dad is certainly fond of smoking a good pipe, we all know people with ethnic names like Pedro are almost always Communist. You’re right to be cautious. And take care of that leg, son. You can’t play ball with a bum leg.
Dear Smart Dame’s Man,
It’s obvious from your letter you haven’t started a family yet. Women need children to raise in order to satisfy their need to keep busy. It’s as natural a need for our ladies as cooking or cleaning. You know what to do, sport.
I’m a teenage girl, and my boyfriend is constantly trying to convince me to “go all the way” with him. I keep telling him no, because I don’t want to become pregnant, but he says if I douche with Pepsi afterwards I won’t get knocked up. Well, he talked me into it, but not only were we out of Pepsi, but we were out of Coca Cola too and I had to douche with Sprite. Is Sprite as effective as Pepsi, or should I start looking for coathangers?
My science teacher is trying to make us use metric. What’s wrong with feet and inches? I don’t trust this guy because he also says we came from monkeys. Now what’s up with that?
Dear Susie,
I think you must already know you need to marry this boy. Can you imagine your parent’s disappointment if you had a child out of wedlock? And save that coathanger for storing your wedding dress. Good luck, and remember: the second child always takes 9 months, but not the first.
Dear Confused,
You’re right to be suspicious. Maybe Communists descend from monkeys, but not us God fearing Americans. The so-called “Metric System” is a plot hatched by Communists to fool us into settling for less. Your science teacher is obviously an agent of this Communist conspiracy and should be reported to your local Police. Immediately. I mean it, son.
Hey Daddy-O -
I think you’re really hep to our jive, man. Right now, life’s a drag, and I’m getting so low I can barely speak to my old lady. How can she expect me to groove to her if she won’t groove to me? How can I keep my head from bumming out, man?
Dear Unsigned
There are certainly better ways to spend your time than lying in bed thinking about your privates. Have you thought about picking up a hobby? Perhaps crocheting? And you can always spend more time on housekeeping and cooking. If you’re not married, than you can help your mother with her chores. It will be good practice for that day when you have a man and a home of your own to take care of. Remember, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop.
Dear Nick,
Have you thought about getting a job? Women need their men to provide for them and take care of them. Without these basic needs met, women are unstable and prone to hysteria, and may be unable to fulfill many of their obligations. Listening to rock n roll music may be the reason you feel like life is a “drag”. You should avoid rock n roll music entirely, son. Good luck.
Umm, Mr. Wilson doesn’t want me to come over and play anymore, but I didn’t mean to blow up hit DeSoto and Garage. What can I do to change Mr. Wilson mine?
PS. I thought inflammable meant it couldn’t catch fire. Why is english so silly?
Dear Dennis,
As Mr. Wilson is your elder, it is your responsibility to respect his wishes. You see, son, sometimes adults don’t want their garages burned down, and you were wrong to assume otherwise. You should write a letter of apology to Mr. Wilson, and remember: Young men who play with fire always end up bed-wetters. You don’t want to be a bed-wetter, do you? I didn’t think so.
