Hello, dear. This is your mother. Do you have any questions you’d like to ask me but were always afraid to, or need any advice? I know you kids today lead very different lives than your father and I did at your age, but I like to think that I’ve accumulated some wisdom from all that I’ve seen and been through- things that you’re not going to learn by playing your X-Stations or scrolling through your FacePlace thingie. So put on some clean underwear (because you just never know) and ask away. I’m here for you.
How is it the women of your generation and Gran’s, just didn’t let on, or speak of, or seem to manifest or notice, the horrific bundle of symptoms that is menopause?
My Mom, my Gan, my Old Aunties never let on so far as I could tell. It’s true I was younger, only a child, but I was around them all the time. Never nothing.
I get it was a different time and speaking of it was taboo. But how does societal taboo keep you from shedding clothes when sweltering? I spent the whole time putting on then taking off my sweater, coat, scarf etc. I never even noticed a change in how y’all dressed!
I don’t get it. Please explain yourself!
Ladies just didn’t talk about those things. We suffered in silence. But believe me, your father witnessed me sweating plenty in private, and thank goodness he let me sleep with the windows open even in the winter. That man is a SAINT.
I really want to call you to talk about Christmas arrangements, but my cousin’s husband left her on Sunday and I do *not *want to talk about that with you. So I’m not calling until some time has passed, okay? BTW I totally bought tons of extra wrapping paper, if that helps your logistics. Actually, no, I won’t say that either, because it implies that we expect you to give your granddaughter Christmas gifts. You know what? Never mind. We’ll pick you up at the airport. That’s all we need to know.
I understand, honey. You call me whenever you’re ready. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. Don’t even worry about Christmas. I don’t want to be a bother. I can just stay home by myself- I think I have a Lean Cuisine with turkey in the freezer. Maybe your sister will call, and I always have my cats. At least THEY love me. It’ll be fine.
Some guy at work today said that I look like my mom cuts my hair. He’s kind of a jerk sometimes but sometimes he’s nice. Why’d he say that?
Sometimes boys tease because they like you. He’s probably just too shy to tell you. And I’m pretty sure that was a compliment.
I have never, not once, not even remotely by chance had any idea you and dad had sex. Not even when we lived in that tiny two bedroom apartment. How’d you get away with it for so many years? Oh, and btw, thanks for that!
My brother is 45 and still lives in your basement rent free, mooching off of you and not getting a job or a car. Do you really consider that helping him?
Can you please explain what the heck Dad was thinking when he bought that new Desoto?
Why did you ask me ‘were you born in a barn’ when I would do something rude as a kid? I mean, shouldn’t you remember where you were that day?
Admit it. Your oldest kid is your favorite. It’s okay, because I was always Dad’s favorite.
Also, did you really name me after a childhood friend? The story is you liked the name so much that you always wanted to name your daughter that, but I’m your third daughter. This story doesn’t check out.
Well, you did go to school, and sometimes your father would come home for “lunch”, and maybe once in a while your nighttime vitamin was really Benadryl so you would sleep extra hard. We managed. You’re welcome.
Your brother is a good boy! He’s just had a hard time but it’s not really his fault. He’s been treated very unfairly by a lot of people. He just needs my love and understanding until he gets back on his feet. I would do the same for you.
That was all your Uncle Gene’s idea. I was against it. And I made sure to tell your father I told you so every day after that car went south.
Back then they used to knock you out when you had a baby. Anything could have happened.
I don’t play favorites, dear. And, I’m sorry I never told you before, but you were adopted, and that was already your name.
Alice, I gotta say it: You’re scary-good at this. Bravo and keep up the good work. 
I’m so proud of my Mom! Brings a tear to my eye. Sniff.
Made me actually cry. In a good way.
I miss my mom.
There, there, sweeties. Do you need a tissue? :: pulls tissues out of bra::