Please don’t attempt to run across the highway, race cars alongside the highway, nor attempt to leap over Ford Explorers.
Yesterday I saw one of you killed while attempting a “Frogger” across two lanes of highway. It was really awful and I cried the rest of the way home. This morning one of you (Michelle? Britney?) caused a horrific rollover accident close to my workplace.
You have miles and miles and miles of open country on either side of the highway. While I understand that hunting season is open, I think you have a better chance of survival if you stay in the woods and sit very still in a dappled copse. The grass is just not greener nor safer on the other side of the highway . . . trust me!
I propose that my message be deleted and this thread closed, as it has reached a level of never-before-seen perfection in only 2 messages. To allow further posts would just decrease its value.
I deeply understand your dilemma. If we both lived in a world I created there would be no roads nor hunting and your kind would cover the landscape from sea-to-shining-sea (and hopefully some of you would like me and come eat delectables out of my hand and we could romp through the forest together.)
In the meantime, do you see a way we might solve this highway dilemma together? Those stupid “deer whistler” thingamajigs don’t work and I really abhor when one of your people are smooshed flat every four miles.
We don’t want to eat out of your hand. We want you dead. That is why we send some our most impressionable radicals to suicide bomb your “SUV’s”. Don’t you know that a flashing white tail is our version of the finger? We are going to die a painful, cold death no matter what and we have nothing to lose. Your call.
You’re not seriously suggesting we drive around blaring our horns all the time to scare off the deer, are you? In real life, those few times when you actually see the deer ahead of time, honking the horn to frighten them sends them running towards you, often as not.
Hubby’s cousin’s wife has lived in the DC area for over 20 years. She told us how she and her friends used to drive home after partying down one particular road near some big park (sorry - I don’t know the name!) and simply lean on the horn the entire time they were passing the park. It was “the only way” to keep the deer off the roads. I guess.
Disregard everything you’ve read in this thread. Fact is, you are much safer near the roads than anywhere else - especially in hunting season. Also, roads often have tasty salt on them!
Dear Deer:
You need to bulk up, dude. A lot of us bite the dust every year, but we take cars, trucks and humans along with us in a carnage seldom seen outside of a Republican administration. You need to grow a pair and put on about a thousand pounds.
Please take down the deer crossing sign out in front of my place. The deer think it’s safe to cross there. Since I moved here from the city, I’ve seen four deer killed by cars there. You’re luring them to their deaths!
Do you have a rat trap big enough to kill a 200 lb rat with antlers? I’ve got quite the vermin problem near my house, and standard size traps are proving ineffective.
Dear Humans,
Why do you get mad when we eat your tasty treats that you put around your houses in what use to be our woods? We watched carefully, you never graze on them.
You have a lot of nerve, complaining. For every one of you that gets squished, there are 5 of us. You have those long legs, you’d think you could do better than being street pizza! All we can do is squirt and die, maybe ruin somebody’s day for fifteen minutes. If we had antlers, we’d be wreaking some major havoc on the highways and byways instead of being a rancid cautionary tale for wayward children. All we’ve got to say is, you guys are not living up to (or dying up to) your potential. Get out there and do some damage, losers!
