Dear Mr. Jesus. Please. Let me hurt the children

[Scylla]

I heard a song today that enraged me.

It was worse than "Christmas Shoes," and that's saying something.

You may listen to it hear:

http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/dmj.htm


Or, you may read the lyrics here:

http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/lyric.htm


The voice of a small young girl sings a letter she writes to Jesus asking about a child she read about who was beaten by her parents.

A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue

Jesus, thought I'd take this right to you

She, of course, doesn't understand. Then we have the chorus sung by a bunch of other kids.

Please don't let them hurt your children

We need love and shelter from the storm

Please don't let them hurt your children

Won't you keep us safe and warm

I'm listening as I drive home, and about this time my mood is changing from a happy one. I grip the wheel tightly and press down the accelerator.

We get another verse about how this little girl wants Jesus to intervene and stop the beaten girl's pain and then the chorus again.


As the spedometer eases past sixty, I contemplate suddenly turning the wheel and driving straight into a tree. The song is so horrible, so glurgy and blindly manipulative, so horribly bad, that I can't turn it off. Perhaps if I drive into this tree...

The final verse comes through on the radio:

Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do

And please don't tell my daddy

But my mommy hits me, too.

The tears are rolling down my eyes. It's worse than Chicken Soup for the Soul. My car goes on two wheels as I scream recklessly around a corner.


The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously.

A circuit breaker pops in my head, and I black out and somehow drive home. I come to in the driveway.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I want to hurt children. It's the only way to ever ensure that they will never sing a song like this again.

Dear Lord, why?

[Uvula Donor]

Originally Posted by Scylla

Dear Lord, why?

Jesus hates kids. Says right in the Bible, "Suffer the little children."

[fluiddruid]

Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought.

Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint.

[tomndebb]

It was probably just an attempt to provide good Christian balance to Pat Benatar.

(I have heard at least three pompous blowhards from places like the Moody Bible Institute rage against the insidious secular nature of Rock and Roll that tries to persuade God fearing children that "Hell is for children.")

[Giraffe]

Originally Posted by fluiddruid

Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought.

Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint.

I for one am sick of these biased songs that only present one side. Sure, anyone can twist the facts to make beating up children seem like a bad idea, but what about the children? Won't somebody think of the children??

[Sam Stone]

Jesus beats the little children,
All the children in the world,
Purple green and black and blue,
He sometimes beats them with his shoe,
Jesus beats the little children!

[Flipstrip]

Oh, man, I'd thought I'd escaped this song forever (no such luck).

I've told this tale before, but many years ago, when I first heard this piece 'o glurge, it was played relentlessly on the local radio stations at the holiday time. (This was around '87 or '88.) One of the local stations had a "Top 8 at 8" and it was number one EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The next summer I interned at the "Top 8 at 8" station and the DJ's told me that listening to that made them want to come after Sharon Batts with a bat. I'm sure they've since regretted not following up on those impulses.

[Terrifel]

"But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." --Matthew 5:39

Jesus may not be the best person to consult about this sort of problem.

--And by doing a quick search to make sure my chapter and verse was correct, I have inadvertently been introduced to the teachings of Walter Wink, whose interpretation of the Sermon on the Mount is unlike any I have ever encountered before.

[Q.E.D.]

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! My radio is playing a song I can't stand! What do I do?? What do I DOOO???? Make it stop, omigod, make it stooooooop!!!! I can't stand it anymore!! Why can't radio designers make a way for me to turn it off or change the station or something?? Why?????? Curse you, Blaupunkt! Curse your eyes!! Why, if I ever...

Wait. What's this...?

*click*

Oh. Nevermind.

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Originally Posted by Q.E.D.

Wait. What's this...?

*click*

Oh. Nevermind.

Oh yeah, that's right, bring logic into this...

[Q.E.D.]

Originally Posted by Mr. Blue Sky

Oh yeah, that's right, bring logic into this...

Silly me.

[Little Nemo]

It's like something A. Whitney Brown once said on one of his SNL commentaries. He was talking about TV public service announcements that spoke out against things like crack addiction and said, "you've got to admire the bravery of these network executives for daring to take on the powerful pro-crack addiction lobby."

[Baldwin]

So, is the singer asking Jesus to personally open a can of whupass on the bad parents? Or is Jesus just supposed to call the cops? 'Cause you can do that yourself; don't actually need the Lord for that one.

[Tuckerfan]

I doubt the song could be worse than this little number, but I'm not going to risk listening to it to find out.

[Mehitabel]

"Oh God, I really miss Lisa's cat!!"

[pkbites]

Originally Posted by Scylla

I heard a song today that enraged me.

Is this the very first time you've heard this song? It's been around almost 20 years. It sure takes long enough for pop culture to get to you guys in Ancient Greece.
The first time I heard it I almost stabbed my eyes out with a fork! They keep singing about Jesus and all I can say is JESUS H. CHRIST!!

Originally Posted by Tuckerfan

I doubt the song could be worse than this little number, but I'm not going to risk listening to it to find out.

What the fuck was that? Can anyone say John Wayne Gacy? I'm gonna have fucking nightmares over that shit!

[Snooooopy]

Originally Posted by Q.E.D.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! My radio is playing a song I can't stand! What do I do?? What do I DOOO???? Make it stop, omigod, make it stooooooop!!!! I can't stand it anymore!! Why can't radio designers make a way for me to turn it off or change the station or something?? Why?????? Curse you, Blaupunkt! Curse your eyes!! Why, if I ever...

Wait. What's this...?

*click*

Oh. Nevermind.

And what makes you think he won't make use of that option the next time it comes on? I mean, he did have to listen through the song at least once to judge whether he liked it.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally Posted by pkbites

What the fuck was that? Can anyone say John Wayne Gacy? I'm gonna have fucking nightmares over that shit!

[Leonard Nimoy] My work here is done. [/LN]

[Bites When Provoked]

Originally Posted by Scylla

The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously.

If it cheers you up at all, I initially read that as yiffing rather than riffing.

Would have been one hell of a music clip.

[bdgr]

Originally Posted by tomndebb

It was probably just an attempt to provide good Christian balance to Pat Benatar.

(I have heard at least three pompous blowhards from places like the Moody Bible Institute rage against the insidious secular nature of Rock and Roll that tries to persuade God fearing children that "Hell is for children.")

Oh dear. Our preacher once told our youth group to get all our friends to come visit our church next sunday because we were having the half brother of Elvis come speak.....something Stanley. Apparently this guy was there when they found him dead and stuff. Well, most of the kids get all their friends and we all sat down front and this guy procedes to convince a room full of teenagers that they never want anything to do with any church again.

He was on a roll....telling people that they were going to hell for watching soap operas and this or that and he got all wound up and said "you sit there and listen to Pat Benatar sing Hell is For Children, and you're going to hell". At that point it was all I could do not to crack up. He pointed to me and said "this guy on the front row here knows what I'm talking about" It was all I could do not to fall out laughing. OUr youth group dropped to about half after that. It started building back up, and then the preacher invited the asshat back again to anounce that when he had spoken to us before, he wasnt really a Christian...he only though he was. But now, he really was one. I think I actually got up and left in the middle of that mess....

[Sampiro]

The first time I heard this song (years ago), I had a giggling fit the likes of which I hadn't had since I stopped smoking pot years before. When it got to the "Please don't tell... mommy beats me too" I honestly think I saw the tunnel of light and felt the silver cord tightening I was laughing so hard. There's just nothing funnier than failed ultra-seriousness.

There is a worse song but unfortunately I don't know it's name or the exact lyrics. The "plot" is a little girl whose atheist drunken father kills her mother, then himself, while a stranger holds her behind a sofa. Later in Sunday school she sees the picture of Jesus and tells them "that's the man who was with me that night". Such friggin' glurge, one that begs the question "why does Jesus look like a Western artist's rendering made many centuries after he lived? Why didn't Jesus do jack to stop daddy from killing mommy? Why didn't... anyway, you get the drift.

[duffer]

Originally Posted by Giraffe

I for one am sick of these biased songs that only present one side. Sure, anyone can twist the facts to make beating up children seem like a bad idea, but what about the children? Won't somebody think of the children??

Holy Christ, I agree with something you say that doesn't involve me being a prick!

Has anyone seen these these kids in the hanging pants? Or the one's driving the "bugfart" cars? Beatings are, sadly, underestimated.


As depressing as the song is, I have to say I like the message. Makes ya think. Beats the shit out of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer..


On the other hand, anyone that actually lays a hand on a kid, I'd like a home address. You can e-mail me.

Humor is great when nobody is in immediate danger. And this is kinda funny taken in the context of the kid being harmed,

When it... aw fuck it. I know it happens. E-mail me. That's a call to all of you. I have some bail money.

[baronsabato]

Originally Posted by Sampiro

There is a worse song but unfortunately I don't know it's name or the exact lyrics. The "plot" is a little girl whose atheist drunken father kills her mother, then himself, while a stranger holds her behind a sofa. Later in Sunday school she sees the picture of Jesus and tells them "that's the man who was with me that night". Such friggin' glurge, one that begs the question "why does Jesus look like a Western artist's rendering made many centuries after he lived? Why didn't Jesus do jack to stop daddy from killing mommy? Why didn't... anyway, you get the drift.

That's "The Little Girl", by country singer John Michael Montgomery. One of my favorite songs ever. It's got such wonderful glurgy goodness coupled with a country twang! How can you lose?

You can get the lyrics here.

[Richard Pearse]

Originally Posted by Tuckerfan

I doubt the song could be worse than this little number, but I'm not going to risk listening to it to find out.

Words fail me.

[Captain Amazing]

To be fair, after listening to the song, I want to hit the little girl too.

[zagloba]

Tuckerfan, I'm really enjoying that site (in a horrified fascination, point and laugh sort of way). Never would have found it if not for this thread. So for me, anyway, your suffering was worthwhile, Scylla.

[Blackclaw]

Originally Posted by fluiddruid

Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought.

Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint.

Hey, I'd beat up adults if I could, but they hit back harder.

[Plynck]

Originally Posted by Sam Stone

Jesus beats the little children,
All the children in the world,
Purple green and black and blue,
He sometimes beats them with his shoe,
Jesus beats the little children!

[nitpick]Jesus wore sandals.[/nitpick]

[NurseCarmen]

Bow before me all, for I have never heard this song of which you speak.

[scout1222]

Me neither, NurseCarmen. I think we are the lucky ones here.

[Zebra]

There was a song popular a few years back. A country song about some kid dying. The hook was the line 'Who is going to hold your hand when you cross the streets in Heaven?".


Now, I don't know about you, but in my idea of Heaven, little kids don't get run over when crossing the street.

[pkbites]

But does anyone remember the songs "Rocky" by Austin Roberts or "Run Joey Run" by David Geddes where the young woman dies at the end of each song? Pathetic!

"Run Joey Run" really made me want to puke. The whiny high pitched voice of Julie sounded more like that of a prepubescent boy than a teenaged girl. Then she gets blown away by her shotgun toating father. Great music, Dave!

[Velma]

I remember that song from when it first came out, too. My friends and I loved it and thought it was the height of sad, serious, important songs.

When I was 9. Now I look back on it and shudder. They still play that song? I thought it was gone forever!

I remember taping that song off the radio and putting it on a mix tape. It came right before "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"

[RickJay]

It can't possibly be as bad as that song where Jesus hides behind the couch with a kid watching her parents kill each other.

[AskNott]

Originally Posted by Plynck

[nitpick]Jesus wore sandals.[/nitpick]

Yes, and those straps leave big welts.

[NurseCarmen]

If you want to get me all sniffly, Tears in Heaven by Clapton will do a much better job than this glurdge.

[Tuckerfan]

Originally Posted by RickJay

It can't possibly be as bad as that song where Jesus hides behind the couch with a kid watching her parents kill each other.

Every time I read that, I can't help but be reminded of a Robot Chicken sketch with the Tooth Fairy.

[DocCathode]

Originally Posted by Sam Stone

Jesus beats the little children,
All the children in the world,
Purple green and black and blue,
He sometimes beats them with his shoe,
Jesus beats the little children!

You may mock it, but I'll never forget a version of that hymn taught to me by a devout Christian who was a proud member of our armed forces

Napalm sticks to little children
All the children of the world
Orange, yellow, blue and white
Screaming torches in the night
Napals sticks to all the children of the world.

[Cat Whisperer]

I don't know if you guys down south would have heard this, but Canadian singer Amy Sky does the glurgiest song I've ever heard (repeatedly, on Lite radio) - "I Will Take Care of You." It doesn't have Jesus in it, so it's not as good as the previously mentioned ones, but it is a sickeningly sweet tear-jerker. I guess you could just add Jesus to it as you sing along.

And sometimes you can't turn the radio off. Sometimes you have co-workers who force you to listen to Lite radio or country music.

[SisterCoyote]

I also have never heard this song.

That said, Sam Stone and DocCathode have just confirmed my seat in hell, for I am sitting at my desk sniggering. Especially the "beats them with a shoe" line.

[Terrifel]

Originally Posted by Scylla

The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously.

Originally Posted by Bites When Provoked

If it cheers you up at all, I initially read that as yiffing rather than riffing.

Would have been one hell of a music clip.

Thank you so much for that mental image.

Congratulations: you've excavated an entirely new sub-basement level for the Brunching Shuttlecocks' "Geek Hierarchy Chart:"

People Who Write Glurgy Christmas Music Fanfic about Abused Children Singing to Jesus While Being Vigorously Molested by a Furry Pedophile Michael Bolton.

The Ocelot Kirk Appreciation Society is no doubt eternally grateful to you.

[Homebrew]

Originally Posted by Terrifel

Thank you so much for that mental image.

Congratulations: you've excavated an entirely new sub-basement level for the Brunching Shuttlecocks' "Geek Hierarchy Chart:"

People Who Write Glurgy Christmas Music Fanfic about Abused Children Singing to Jesus While Being Vigorously Molested by a Furry Pedophile Michael Bolton.

I take it I should wait until I get home to Google "yiffing"?

[Anne Neville]

Originally Posted by SisterCoyote

That said, Sam Stone and DocCathode have just confirmed my seat in hell, for I am sitting at my desk sniggering. Especially the "beats them with a shoe" line.

I've had it stuck in my head all day, and I don't mind. It's hilarious!

Save a seat in hell for me, OK?

[Terrifel]

Originally Posted by Homebrew

I take it I should wait until I get home to Google "yiffing"?

I think so.

De gustibus non est disputandum; caveat Googlor.

[Aholibah]

Originally Posted by Zebra

Now, I don't know about you, but in my idea of Heaven, little kids don't get run over when crossing the street.

Tempting sig line, there. Not sure it works out of context though.

[DeadlyAccurate]

Originally Posted by Homebrew

I take it I should wait until I get home to Google "yiffing"?

According to this site, (SFW), "'Yiffing' is the act of two furs (that's anthropomorphic animals, like, say, Bugs Bunny) having an act of sex together."

[Jackmannii]

" Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do..."

To the tune of "Mr. Sandman":

Mr. Jesus,
please fix my brain
The little children are singing again
Some loathsome glurge
about parental abuse
Let's spank their little butts
we have an excuse

Mr. Jesus
Here at Yuletide
From dreadful Xmas songs
we just cannot hide
So find us some redeeming tune
Or we'll beat the deejays 'till June.

dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung

dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung

[astro]

I prefer this children's Christmas tune (sound file)

[SteveG1]

Originally Posted by duffer

Holy Christ, I agree with something you say that doesn't involve me being a prick!

On the other hand, anyone that actually lays a hand on a kid, I'd like a home address. You can e-mail me.

Humor is great when nobody is in immediate danger. And this is kinda funny taken in the context of the kid being harmed,

When it... aw fuck it. I know it happens. E-mail me. That's a call to all of you. I have some bail money.

I have to agree with you and Scylla on this one. The song is a pile of sucky glurge.
I can give a great song that captures the feeling perfectly - Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Now for that half brother of Elivs (whatever) I have some great songs for him too. For anyone who says Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children" means an E ticket to hell, the replies are Milly Jackson's "Fuck You Symphony", or Alice Cooper's "You Can Go To Hell".

[Lilacs]

Originally Posted by Jackmannii

" Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do..."

To the tune of "Mr. Sandman":

Mr. Jesus,
please fix my brain
The little children are singing again
Some loathsome glurge
about parental abuse
Let's spank their little butts
we have an excuse

Mr. Jesus
Here at Yuletide
From dreadful Xmas songs
we just cannot hide
So find us some redeeming tune
Or we'll beat the deejays 'till June.

dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung

dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung
dung dung dung dung dung

When I first started reading this, I tried to put it to the tune of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica.

The first verse works...