It’s 5:55am and I haven’t been to sleep. Going to go out early and do my christmas shopping. That is assuming the town is open.
I’m considering taking up the habit of cycling after work rather than before it. Just as something to do with myself other than feel sorry for it.
I’ve decided to see if typing this up and posting it will help. If it will not help then at least it’s something to do while I wait for the mundane parts of everyday living to take priority.
Recently I found out some things about a girl who I am in Love with and who I care about anyway. These things (one in particular) shocked me, and as I sat in a friends car (the friend had let it slip… asuming I already knew) processing the information I felt something very powerful and very odd in my stomach/heart/whatever that I’ve felt very rarely, possibly never before.
She cares about me too (or she apparently does) but doesn’t have any feelings for me, why should she? anyway I don’t hold that against her. The point is she cares, and so when she sees that I have something on my mind and that I look down it gets her down. Not wanting to bring everyone’s spirits down (and especially not wanting to get hers down) I cannot stop myself from telling her what’s going through my mind… so I do.
These things probably should stay in my mind and I should put on a happy face and deal with the thoughts in private… but as I say I cannot do it. I may have already blurted out too much about my inner hell. So far none of it has adversely affected the friendship or the comfort between us.
I am an incredibly withdrawn and shy person. I have had a sheltered life and I have never had a relationship. I’ve never had sex. I have serious personal space issues.
I am finding out very quickly and very horribly that I am the jealous type. One of her group of friends is a detestable letcherous asshole. Everyone despises him… and I the impossible-not-to-like idiot have befriended him. He’s done me some favours yet I hate his guts. Being the letch that he is he has no problem getting close to her and making sexual inuendo constantly. Yet she allows it… and even seems to enjoy it!
These two do their rota between them and rota themselves in on all the same days. I am not alone in asserting that being in the same room as those two is torture. I have it worse though because I love one of them and hate the other one!
So my job is hell because I have to spend seven hours a day watching the guy I hate letch on the girl I love.
One of the things I’ve blabbed to her is this fact (that I hate it). She feeds me some bullshit about there not being any alternative and she lets him do all this because she has to watch her back (He nearly hit her once, and stated that he might hit her in future) She told me that scared her and she remains scared.
I’m also worried that this and all the other sdmb threads about her might be discovered… I made a stupid stupid error that could expose my sdmb persona. But as the others are done this one can be done.
I hate myself for hating the guy… He genuinelly thinks I like him and we are good friends. But i’ve USED him. I’ve used his blabbermouth. I’ve used him because of a mutual friend.
Normally when one falls in love and it is not reciprocated one should either get over the feelings or ‘move on’ as it were. For I to move on I would have to leave work… and I have thought about it. I cannot be with her (when he’s there) I cannot be without her. I want her all to myself… I cannot have a friend as I am the jealous type and as soon as she does get a bf I might go mad (or maybe not… if it’s a decent enough bloke I might be ok with it… her ex was a decent bloke… still is from what I can tell. me and him get on and seem to be becoming friends)
Me and here are good friends. Close friends. I’m fucked. Not in a good way!
Oh and I’ve got to buy thirteen christmas presents in one day! I might just say to everyone I’m an Atheist and don’t celebrate christmas.
(only joking)