"Dear Advice Columnist: I'm divorcing my porn-loving husband."

[Aeschines]

I have seen columns like this appearing in newspapers ever since I knew what sex was. They go something like this:

Dear Advice Columnist,

We used to have a great marriage, but six months ago I caught my husband looking at pornography on the Internet. I was heartbroken, but my husband said that he would never do it again.

Imagine my shock when I found my husband masturbating to Internet porn in the middle of the night last night. I'm heavier than I used to be but not obese. What should I do?

Shocked and Scandalized



The reply:

Dear Shocked and Scadalized,

You are in a very grave situation. You do not need to, and should not have to, put up with this abuse.

Seek counseling immediately. If your husband does not go with you, go by yourself. Good luck.

Advice Columnist


I'm always *shocked* myself that there are women stupid and/or uninformed enough to write such letters. But here are some things to keep in mind going forward:

1. Hel-LO! 99.9% of men use porn, and you wouldn't want to associate with the 0.01% who don't (asexuals and hardcore religious nuts). If you are in any way surprised that your man stimulates his sausage with pr0n, then you are a hopeless retard.

2. Yes, you are too fucking fat, and that's the biggest reason why he's jacking off to two-dimensional entities. The other reason is that you weren't very sexy, smart, or interesting in the first place, and 5+ years of marriage have only diminished those meager qualities.

3. "Counseling" doesn't do dick.

4. Monogamy is a canard.

Why do women expect men to be anything other than what they, by nature, are?

[Miller]

Well, I was with you up 'til point one. Then it got all stupid.

[Larry Borgia]

I don't believe you have ever seen that actual exchange in any advice column.

[kambuckta]

Whoah, where does one begin?

Cite that 99.9% of all men view *porn* (as classified, not chicks in bras in the lingerie ads)

Cite that the 0.01% who don't view or use porn are either eunuchs or fundy freaks.


On second thoughts, after reading the OP again, I don't know why I bothered with trying for a reasonable retort...............

[mhendo]

Originally Posted by Miller

Well, I was with you up 'til point one. Then it got all stupid.

Ditto.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by Larry Borgia

I don't believe you have ever seen that actual exchange in any advice column.

I read something really close in the last few weeks.

[FlyingCowOfDoom]

I don't look at porn. I'm happily married and not a religious nut. I don't think you have a very good grasp on reality.

--FCOD

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by kambuckta

Cite that 99.9% of all men view *porn* (as classified, not chicks in bras in the lingerie ads)

How about this:

When the magazine Psychology Today asked 20,000 readers whether they had ever used erotic material for arousal, 92 percent of the male respondents and 72 percent of the females reported that they had.

Cite. Dude, you know the numbers are huge.

Cite that the 0.01% who don't view or use porn are either eunuchs or fundy freaks.

Who the fuck else would they be?

On second thoughts, after reading the OP again, I don't know why I bothered with trying for a reasonable retort.

Go whack off to porn.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

I don't look at porn. I'm happily married and not a religious nut. I don't think you have a very good grasp on reality.

Perhaps not, but I've got a good grasp on something.

Maybe you have good material to work with. Don't gloat--most of us don't.

[FinnAgain]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

Go whack off to porn.

I like reading good crazy.
I mean, I really, reallllly like reading me some good ol' crazy.
Don't stop. Whatever you do... don't... stop... don't.... stop... don't stop!

ahem.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by FinnAgain

Don't stop. Whatever you do... don't... stop... don't.... stop... don't stop!

Oh, oah, oaaaah!

[FlyingCowOfDoom]

Maybe if you spent less time looking at porn you'd be able to get a great wife too. (In my experience, most nice women don't care for porn and they like even less a guy who is obsessed with it)

--FCOD

P.S. I didn't look at porn before I was married, either.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

Maybe if you spent less time looking at porn you'd be able to get a great wife too.

Are you suggesting I turn in my current model?

(In my experience, most nice women don't care for porn and they like even less a guy who is obsessed with it)

I'm beginning to think you're one of those Wonderbread nice guys who think everything is fucking nice because, you know, it's just so fucking nice.

I have just completed thinking you're one of those Wonderbread nice guys.

P.S. I didn't look at porn before I was married, either.

Then either you were banging heat back then, too, or you're a puss who thinks porn is "naughty."

Would Jesus disapprove? Would he? Huh?

[Richard Pearse]

Come on, you're a COW for christ's sake! How would you even turn the pages?

[FlyingCowOfDoom]

I wasn't "banging heat" at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don't think it's right to objectify them. Also, I think it's kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment. In other words, women are not sex toys, they're people. I don't care if they're voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it's disgusting.

I don't particulary care what Jesus would do, although I tend to think he'd agree with me.

--FCOD

[Queen Bruin]

I wonder why your wife is so unhappy too, Aeschines, and why you're so bothered about it that you open a Pit thread on the topic. It seems this goes beyond sex and looks. You sound like a very angry person and probably in need of counseling (I'm not basing that on your porn use, I'm basing that on your attitude here.)

And if I were to WAG, I'd say you are not Teh Hawt, either.

[FlyingCowOfDoom]

Originally Posted by 1920s Style "Death Ray"

Come on, you're a COW for christ's sake! How would you even turn the pages?

Yeah, turning pages is kinda hard, but you have no idea how difficult it is to type with hooves.

--FCOD

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

I wonder why your wife is so unhappy too, Aeschines, and why you're so bothered about it that you open a Pit thread on the topic.

Sorry, I should clarify that the "it" is the attitude your perceive women to have of porn.

[ParentalAdvisory]

So basically, FCOD is the 1% in this thread.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

I wasn't "banging heat" at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don't think it's right to objectify them.

Very noble. So pr0n is BAD, right? OK, all us bad dudes better stop looking at pr0n 'cause it's bad. Gosh.

Also, I think it's kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment.

Mmm, so sick and abnormal that the vast majority of men do it. Whither the species!

In other words, women are not sex toys, they're people.

Can't they be both?

I don't care if they're voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it's disgusting.

It's shameful I tell you!

[Aeschines]

For a man so dedicated to his sausage creature that he named himself after it, you certainly are *shockingly* prudish.

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

I wonder why your wife is so unhappy too, Aeschines, and why you're so bothered about it that you open a Pit thread on the topic.

Actually, my own wife doesn't care much about that kind of thing, nor is she jealous or a control freak. It's a great thing about our relationship.

I was stimulated to write this thread, in fact, by seeing just such a stupid column the other day. And I see other stupid advice columns all the time that assume that monogomy is a given and anyone who violates our society's straight-laced, uptight, Judeo-Christian version of monogamy is bad, bad, bad.

You sound like a very angry person and probably in need of counseling (I'm not basing that on your porn use, I'm basing that on your attitude here.)

And you sound like a sactimonious, annoying fuck, but I wouldn't recommend counseling for you. Because counseling does dick.[/quote]

[FinnAgain]

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

(In my experience, most nice women don't care for porn and they like even less a guy who is obsessed with it)

How odd. Interesting sample you bring to the table.

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

I wasn't "banging heat" at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don't think it's right to objectify them.

Objectify. People use that word often, I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to mean. What, exactly, does the objectification of someone entail, and how does that connect to porn as opposed to, say, athletics.

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

Also, I think it's kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment.

Just curious, but is that personal for you or how you view others as well? Is it, for instance, 'sick' for men (or women) to enjoy looking at sexual images of people who they don't have an emotional attatchment to?

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

In other words, women are not sex toys, they're people.

Are the two mutually exclusive? One of Finn's Fundamental Findings is that some-but-not-all women, no matter how strong and capable and independant, would very much like to be thrown down on the floor, or a bed, or bent over the arm of a couch and just fucked silly. Sometimes it's all about the sex and the heat, and to hell with anything and everything else.

But, of course, that's not for all people. So I'm just sorta curious as to whether you're couching your aesthetic tastes as personal only or how you believe others should act as well?

Originally Posted by FlyingCowOfDoom

I don't care if they're voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it's disgusting.

So women who choose to be involved in sexual exhibitionism are wrong to do so and are disgusting? Or just the people who enjoy seeing what they enjoy showing?

In conclusion, I will leave you with a link to a search.
The song is most likely not worksafe, but probably wouldn't get anybody in trouble... still, I'm linking to a yahoo-video search for it, Just click the first link if you think you'd be fine watching the video where you are. Yeep.

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

For a man so dedicated to his sausage creature that he named himself after it, you certainly are *shockingly* prudish.

I'm a woman.

Actually, my own wife doesn't care much about that kind of thing, nor is she jealous or a control freak. It's a great thing about our relationship.

If that's the case, then great for you. But I wonder why this "column" touched such a nerve with you.

And you sound like a sactimonious, annoying fuck, but I wouldn't recommend counseling for you.

So I was right about that Hawt thing, right?

[Queen Bruin]

Also, I'm not prudish. I just wonder what crawled up your ass and died.

[Odesio]

Even Dr. Laura said it was ok for a man to have a few nudie magazines. I think there's a big difference between a few porno movies and some magazines and full blown obsession.

Marc

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

I'm a woman.

Oh, haw haw haw haw! That explains everything. You could have saved us both a bunch of time by simply stating that in your first post!

But I wonder why this "column" touched such a nerve with you.

Didn't, really, just saw it, marvelled at the stupidity of it, and thought it would make a good Pit thread.

So I was right about that Hawt thing, right?

I don't know what that is.

[danceswithcats]

So grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn. The Internet is for Porn.

[Aeschines]

Oh I see, Sausage, you were asking whether I'm hot or not, right?

I don't see the relevance, but yes, I am.

[Aeschines]

"Objectifaction" of a woman means that a man has aching balls and his tongue is hanging out and he wants to bang a broad instead of "supporting" and/or "respecting" her.

It's a horrible thing!

[FinnAgain]

Originally Posted by danceswithcats

So grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn. The Internet is for Porn.

I win the Internet! Fear me.

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

Oh, haw haw haw haw! That explains everything. You could have saved us both a bunch of time by simply stating that in your first post!.

'Cause then you'd know right away that my opinion is invalid and to skip my post, right?

I don't see the relevance, but yes, I am.

I'll take your word for that. I asked because, IME, the men that yell the loudest about his wife being a fat cow etc. are usually tubbos, themselves.

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

'Cause then you'd know right away that my opinion is invalid and to skip my post, right?

No, you're missing the point: A lot more guys are into porn than women. Contrariwise, very few men think porn is "bad." Quite a few women think porn is bad.

FWIW, I'm not myself really into porn. But the key fact that the advice columns are missing is that most men (including myself) don't find the whole porn category to be bad, and most men, at least now and then, jack off to porn of some type. That's true now, it will be true 250 years from now.

I'll take your word for that. I asked because, IME, the men that yell the loudest about his wife being a fat cow etc. are usually tubbos, themselves.

That may well be the case. But the hypocrisy of it doesn't in any way aleviate their pain at having no access to a sexually attractive partner.

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

No, you're missing the point: A lot more guys are into porn than women. Contrariwise, very few men think porn is "bad." Quite a few women think porn is bad.

I don't.

FWIW, I'm not myself really into porn. But the key fact that the advice columns are missing is that most men (including myself) don't find the whole porn category to be bad, and most men, at least now and then, jack off to porn of some type. That's true now, it will be true 250 years from now.

Agreed.

That may well be the case. But the hypocrisy of it doesn't in any way aleviate their pain at having no access to a sexually attractive partner.

So, the women involved here aren't suffering?

[Who_me?]

There's nothing wrong with porn, as long as it doesn't become some kind of obsession.



I sure hope the 100 gigs of it on my computer doesn't count as an obsession.

[cckerberos]

Originally Posted by Who_me?

I sure hope the 100 gigs of it on my computer doesn't count as an obsession.

Not even close.

[kambuckta]

A lot more guys are into porn than women.

So, they prefer porn to real, breathing ladies?

[Aeschines]

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

So, the women involved here aren't suffering?

Women suffer horribly from what men do. Men in general are godawful swine.

But the willful naivete of women in our society regarding the nature of male sexuality hurts men and themselves at the same time.

Put simply, here's our problem: Men are pigs, and women pretend that they aren't until they can pretend no longer.

[kambuckta]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

Women suffer horribly from what men do. Men in general are godawful swine.

But the willful naivete of women in our society regarding the nature of male sexuality hurts men and themselves at the same time.

Put simply, here's our problem: Men are pigs, and women pretend that they aren't until they can pretend no longer.

Oh yeah, preach it sister!!

Come the revolution, all men will be castratos. YEAH!!

Oh, what?

Oh, fuck..............

[Smeghead]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

Women suffer horribly from what men do. Men in general are godawful swine.

But the willful naivete of women in our society regarding the nature of male sexuality hurts men and themselves at the same time.

Put simply, here's our problem: Men are pigs, and women pretend that they aren't until they can pretend no longer.

Awww....somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by Aeschines

But the willful naivete of women in our society regarding the nature of male sexuality hurts men and themselves at the same time.

The same could be said for the naivete of many men towards female sexuality.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slip into my starched nightgown and go through the Nightly Scouring of my House for my Husband's Porn, The Joint Recital of the Monogamy Doctrine and the Nightly Scrotal Rubber Band Check.

[kambuckta]

Originally Posted by The Sausage Creature

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slip into my starched nightgown and go through the Nightly Scouring of my House for my Husband's Porn, The Joint Recital of the Monogamy Doctrine and the Nightly Scrotal Rubber Band Check.

Sounds kinda kinky.......can we all join in?

[Khan]

I've seen exchanges like the one in the OP, and the suggestion that the couple needs counseling because the guy likes to rub one out to Penthouse once in a while really pisses me off.

Thing is, Aeschines, I take it from your comments that you dramatized the exchange somewhat. Did "scandalized" really volunteer that about her weight? If not, I'll be disappointed. If so, it seems to me that it's more about her insecurity than her husband's "infidelity" ().

To wit:

"Do you hate your body so much you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography?"
-Family Guy

[lee]

Promising rant until point #1 and point #2 especially.

The women that freak out over men and their porn are no worse and no better than the men who freak out over women using sex toys. Both should learn to deal with it and not see the inanimate as competition.

If a husband refuses to have sex with a wife for the sole reason that she is fat, then he has problems. No one stays perfectly as they were in their youth. If the fire in a relationship is doused by a bit of fat, how is it going to cope with liver spots?

[FlyingRamenMonster]

Add me to the list of people who were about to agree with you before you started talking.

[Queen Bruin]

Originally Posted by kambuckta

Sounds kinda kinky.......can we all join in?

Only if you promise to film.

Also, what lee said.

[MsRobyn]

Besides, for every woman who's gained weight and is maybe not quite as good-looking as she was when she was younger, there's a man with a bad combover, a beergut that belongs in a museum, and spends a little too much time on the couch watching sports and not enough time paying attention to his wife.

I don't see anything wrong with porn but when it becomes a substitute for actual sex with one's partner, it's a problem.

Robin

[Hamadryad]

Just chiming in against the people who imply that the type of question/response in the OP is unusual. I've seen variations on "My husband won't stop watching porn" "Then take the sick fuck to counseling or dump him" an awful lot of times myself, in newspaper, magazine AND internet columns. I've seen it in the daily paper and in Reader's Digest.

I agree that in some ways it seems like Aeschines woke up with a hearty bowl of Stupid Flakes, but I can understand the apparent arm-waving and ranting. I agree with the "he's going to look at porn; get past it or move on" school of thought. Every time I see some advice column-readin' dipschitte whine about how porn on the internet or cable or in magazines is ruining! her! marriage! I want to do some ranting and arm-waving too.

[Muffin]

Originally Posted by MGibson

Even Dr. Laura said it was ok for a man to have a few nudie magazines.

And credit goes to her for personally providing pictoral content.

[catsix]

Yeah it's such a shock that men look at porn. They're in a really, really tiny minority if they don't look at porn, and those are the ones that worry me.

Flying Cow of Doom said:
I wasn't "banging heat" at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don't think it's right to objectify them.

I have an ex-boyfriend who thought that way. He also tended to consider sex 'bad and wrong' because it's disrespectful to use a woman. I had to dump him or accept being sexually frustrated forever.

Also, I think it's kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment.

So am I sick because I look at sexual images of men to whom I have no emotional attachment? Hell I fuck men I am not emotionally attached to.

In other words, women are not sex toys, they're people. I don't care if they're voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it's disgusting.

I don't think it's up to you what women are. It's up to women what women are, and if they want to be naked in a magazine or a movie or on the Internet, then that's up to them. It's not your place to make judgements about them and whether or not what they're doing is disgusting. I don't need you being all sanctimonious and patronizing and telling me that I'm not a sex toy, because it's not your place to decide how I use my body.

[Linty Fresh]

Originally Posted by Smeghead

Awww....somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

More like somebody's got a case of "My Wife Caught Me Whacking Off To barnyardluvshenanigans.com And Now She Won't Put Out."

The thing is that I agree with Aeschines. Watching porn is like smoking pot: It only becomes a problem if you do too much of it, or if your mother walks in on you while it's going on.

Just stop being such a drama queen about it, Aeschinese, OK?