How can I spot suicidal depression in myself?

Factual Questions
1

A recent thread about depression and suicide scared the living shit out of me. Do any mental health experts (amateur or professional) have any advice for me?

What scared me is the description of middle-aged men with no financial problems, a nice house, a nice life, who just get depressed and bored and decide their loved ones would be happier without them, that their life is pointless, and who kill themselves.

That describes me to a “T”. I am 58. At 56, I retired on a fairly geneous pension, just because I could. I work part-time as a translator and simultaneous interpreter, which brings in good money with just a few days of work a month, in addition to my pension income. I am not rich, but my partner (who has a good job) and I are certainly comfortable. We have a luxury condo in the city and a lovely country home that we built together. I am in perfect health. I can hike for 5 or 6 hours and not even feel tired.

When I retired from my stressful job a couple of years ago I thought everything would be wonderful. Instead, I find that no matter how wonderful things are financially and materially, my life seems more and more pointless and boring. And now I have been thinking about suicide.

Not because I feel bad but because I feel nothing at all. Life seems empty, barren. The idea that I could kill myself and end it all seems somehow oddly satisfying and comforting. What on earth is wrong with me? I have everything you would want to be happy and I keep thinking about suicide.

Has anyone out there experienced something similar? Wnting to off yourself because everything is so damned perfect?

2

I think that you should seriously consider seeking treatment. It could be a relatively simple matter of a chemical imbalance, and if treated properly, it could change your whole life.

The next time you feel suicidal, please think of the people who love you. A relative of mine killed herself three years ago, and I absolutely hated her for a little while because I saw the absolute hell my family went through. When I told my mother that her sister was dead, she let out this moaning little whine that I won’t forget to my dying day.

Your life is your own. If it’s intolerable, that’s one thing. Answer this question honestly: is killing yourself out of a vague discontentment worth destroying those who love you? Which is worse: your daily life, or ripping the hearts out of your partner, who will fell guilt and anguish for the rest of their lives?

As I said, your life is your own, but don’t let your depression cloud your judgement.

3

Valteron. I’ve closed your thread. You probably can appreciate why, as you’re a pretty astute poster here. Lissa has said quite a few things that I think you should take to heart.

Seek some professional help. No shame in that. At least make the attempt to find out why you feel the way you do. Message boards just aren’t the way to go.

samclem

Who is older than you, and has good days and bad days. But really, really likes waking up to a day.