Another poll for the ladies to hop on

[The Great Sun Jester]

So...have you ever done it just to "shut him up" even though you weren't realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious.

[WhyNot]

Only once, and it was horrible for both of us. I know, "Horrible sex?! Surely an oxymoron!" But it was. I was only doing it to make him happy, he knew it, and we both ending up in this ego-crushing, self-defeatist funk that left little room for even the most mechanical pleasure. All I could think was, "What's wrong with me? Why don't I want to do this?" and all he could think was, "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't she want me?"

I learned my lesson, and I won't do that again. I do occasionally give head when I don't feel like having sex, but feel like giving my man a little pleasure (or just release), but I won't sleep with anyone when I don't want to ever again.

[norinew]

Sort of. I've had sex with the hubby when I wasn't in the mood because, even when I'm not in the mood, it's still pleasant. Kinda like a back rub. Yeah, there are no fireworks or anything, but it's still a nice way to connect on a physical and spiritual level. Also, sometimes when I think I'm not in the mood, I end up getting into it anyway.

[QuickSilver]

What, begging and jewellery stopped working?

[The Great Sun Jester]

Originally Posted by norinew

Also, sometimes when I think I'm not in the mood, I end up getting into it anyway.

Aside: My estranged and I refer to this as "The cabbage soup effect." See, I make a marvelous cabbage soup, but it never seems like a yummy idea until you've got it in front of you.

[DianaG]

It depends exactly what is meant by "not in the mood", and why I'm not in the mood. If I could take it or leave it, then I generally take it. Like norinew said, once we get started, I'll usually get into it. Sometimes when you think you're too stressed or distracted for sex, sex is exactly what you need!

But if I'm not in the mood because I'm not feeling well, or because I'm mad at him for some reason, then no.

[The Great Sun Jester]

Originally Posted by QuickSilver

What, begging and jewellery stopped working?

Exactly. And there's a shortage of bisexual Latvian twin sisters in Denver so I kinda need to take what I can get.

[QuickSilver]

Ya got pandas?

[norinew]

Originally Posted by DianaG

But if I'm not in the mood because I'm not feeling well, or because I'm mad at him for some reason, then no.

I don't think I've ever been angry enough at my hubby to turn down sex, but I'm with ya on the not feeling well thing. OTOH, when I'm not feeling well, he knows better than to even ask.

[Aangelica]

Okay, this is almost certainly not what you're looking for, but the times I've done this were inevitably (and I do mean inevitably) hideous for me.

And, to clarify, I mean had sex when I didn't want to (as opposed to when I was neutral or distracted or busy or whatever - straight up did not want to have the sex) just to make him quit nagging me.

Of course, his form of nagging me was to make me feel defective, fat, ugly and worthless and spin it all in such a way that only my agreement to sex I in no way wanted could possibly make up for those flaws.

Why, yes, I am violently against this particular relationship manipulation tactic. Why do you ask?

[SkeptiJess]

Originally Posted by norinew

Sort of. I've had sex with the hubby when I wasn't in the mood because, even when I'm not in the mood, it's still pleasant. Kinda like a back rub. Yeah, there are no fireworks or anything, but it's still a nice way to connect on a physical and spiritual level. Also, sometimes when I think I'm not in the mood, I end up getting into it anyway.

Yep. Also because it doesn't seem fair that, just because I'm not in the mood, he should have to go without. In fact, during the earlier years of our marriage (when our kids were small), we did it mostly when I wasn't really in the mood. He has a pretty strong sex drive and usually (well, always) wanted sex every day, and sometimes twice a day. Whereas my drive ran to, maybe, once a week. My feeling was that, as norinew says, sex is pleasant and a nice way to connect as a couple, even if I'm not in the mood for an orgasm. It seemed to me that my doing it when I wasn't strictly in the mood would hurt me a lot less than him doing without it when he was in the mood would hurt him. Our deal was, if I was really tired or busy, we would do a quickie. Less than 5 minutes twice a day kept him happy and feeling close to me. And, once a week or so, when I was in the mood, we'd get more involved.

Anyway, this works for us and has for 20 years now. I've found that his sex drive has tapered off a bit and mine has increased a bit, but we still do a couple quickies a week that are, mostly, just 'for him.' Sex has never been a battlefield for us, as it is for so many other couples I know.

[Marienee]

Originally Posted by Inigo Montoya

So...have you ever done it just to "shut him up" even though you weren't realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious.

Sure, of course. I expect he has also. Though I wouldn't say it's to shut him up exactly. I have certainly had sex of various kinds when I was not in the mood but he was. Heck, like an earlier poster, if we had had to wait until we were both in the mood we would never have had sex from, oh, the time I got pregnant the first time until our youngest was about four.

But he did have better luck in terms of full participation by beginning with "Hmm, what might get you in the mood?" And by not acting like a baby when the honest answer was "You do the dishes,".

Hey, somebody else doing the dishes can make you feel very grateful under certain circumstances.

[CalMeacham]

The double entendre was intentional, right?

[The Great Sun Jester]

Originally Posted by CalMeacham

The double entendre was intentional, right?

Yeah. I'm a rude bastard.

[Lissla Lissar]

]But he did have better luck in terms of full participation by beginning with "Hmm, what might get you in the mood?" And by not acting like a baby when the honest answer was "You do the dishes,".

Hey, somebody else doing the dishes can make you feel very grateful under certain circumstances.

Absolutely. And, like norinew and others, yes I have. It's pleasant, and unless I'm really cranky and tired I'll probably enjoy it.

[WhyNot]

Originally Posted by Marienee

Sure, of course. I expect he has also. Though I wouldn't say it's to shut him up exactly. I have certainly had sex of various kinds when I was not in the mood but he was. Heck, like an earlier poster, if we had had to wait until we were both in the mood we would never have had sex from, oh, the time I got pregnant the first time until our youngest was about four.

But he did have better luck in terms of full participation by beginning with "Hmm, what might get you in the mood?" And by not acting like a baby when the honest answer was "You do the dishes,".

Hey, somebody else doing the dishes can make you feel very grateful under certain circumstances.

That makes a lot of sense. Would someone mind emailing this to my husband?

(I'm also reconsidering my "never again" stance. Y'all make a lot of sense, particularly about how if we wait until we're both in the mood, it may take years. I just need to figure out how to re-wire it into my brain so that I don't feel "put-upon" or martyred for doing it.)

[Lionne]

I have a few times. One time it was after we'd had a serious argument and I didn't enjoy it at all, but I knew it would make him happy.
Mostly because he was really in the mood, and I just wasn't. Like norinew said, it's still pleasant. Not earth-shattering like it should be (hey, I'm spoiled) but still good.

[alice_in_wonderland]

What is this "Not in the Mood" that you folks are talking about?

[Indygrrl]

If it's been more than four days I will do it even if I'm not particularly in the mood. I figure four days is just about as long as a person should have to go without. If it ever gets to that long in-between it's usually because we've both been busy, tired, stressed, sick, etc. and I don't even realize it's been that long until I think about it.

[DianaG]

Originally Posted by alice_in_wonderland

What is this "Not in the Mood" that you folks are talking about?

It's something that happens when you've got a full time job, some kids, a house to take care of, bills to pay, and you've been having sex with this person for ten years and anticipate having sex with them for forty more. Sometimes you've just got other stuff on your mind.

[AwSnappity]

I did this constantly a relationship I had a few years ago. It was easier to reconcile with having-sex-while-not-wanting-it than the guilt trip he would otherwise impose.

[x_lenia_x]

all the time with my first bf.

i was 13 - no one EVER just 'feels like it' when they're 13!

[Nava]

Originally Posted by Aangelica

Okay, this is almost certainly not what you're looking for, but the times I've done this were inevitably (and I do mean inevitably) hideous for me.

And, to clarify, I mean had sex when I didn't want to (as opposed to when I was neutral or distracted or busy or whatever - straight up did not want to have the sex) just to make him quit nagging me.

Of course, his form of nagging me was to make me feel defective, fat, ugly and worthless and spin it all in such a way that only my agreement to sex I in no way wanted could possibly make up for those flaws.

Why, yes, I am violently against this particular relationship manipulation tactic. Why do you ask?

So nice when someone pretty much writes your answer, Aangelica saved me the effort. In my case, the one bf who did that crap would use the oldest line in the book: basically, if I didn't feel like sex (usually, because I still had bruises from the last time) I was being a bitch and just doing it to punish him. The fact that I did fall for that kind of behaviour shows that smoke does, indeed, get in your eyes.

I got better.

[Larry Mudd]

Originally Posted by x_lenia_x

no one EVER just 'feels like it' when they're 13!

Erm...

The only way I can parse this sentence is as 'nobody ever just "feels like it" at thirteen, they are driven to it.'

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Larry Mudd

Erm...

The only way I can parse this sentence is as 'nobody ever just "feels like it" at thirteen, they are driven to it.'

Not to paint with too broad a brush here, but I'd guess this is more true of 13-year-od boys than girls. Most girs I know/have known, are not interested in sex yet at 13.

[Wnabtokio]

Originally Posted by alice_in_wonderland

What is this "Not in the Mood" that you folks are talking about?

Seriously. A lot of times my boyfriend very generously does fun things with me when HE'S not in the mood. (As often as that happens, which admittedly is not very often.)

Although, if I'm sick or something, I'm less likely to want to...but I still will. I change my mind pretty quickly.

[Foxy40]

Originally Posted by Inigo Montoya

So...have you ever done it just to "shut him up" even though you weren't realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious.

Yes and there aren't really any magic words. If you're in love you want to please your partner and giving up 15 minutes for his pleasure isn't a terrible thing. I found the trick is to act like I am REALLY into it which cuts that 15 down to about 5 and everyone's happy.

[Ethilrist]

Originally Posted by QuickSilver

Ya got pandas?

Well, those are certainly not the magic words I was expecting...

[ShelliBean]

Originally Posted by Inigo Montoya

So...have you ever done it just to "shut him up" even though you weren't realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious.

I recently found out that my husband has been doing this - just going along to shut me up even if he doesn't feel like sex. I can't even begin to explain how bad it can make you feel. If you are good with it, go ahead. But I know right now we are having some problems, and this is not the least of it. Hopefully the fact that you know going in that she doesn't want to and you are persuading her otherwise will make for a different outcome.

When I am not in the mood, I can usually work my way into it within five minutes. I like that phrase "Cabbage Soup Effect" - it describes perfectly what I thought about it.

[The Great Sun Jester]

Originally Posted by Ethilrist

Well, those are certainly not the magic words I was expecting...

I'd give it a try but she's deaf in one ear and would probably respond with "What?" or "Yeah, in the top drawer, why?" and then things would kind of head off in the wrong direction.

ShelliBean, I'm sorry to say I understand completely both sides of what you're talking about. Most times I'm indifferent to my wife at best. But occasionally we get all mammally with each other until one of us realizes we're "being tolerated" for a few minutes and then yeah, it feels really bad.

[OneCentStamp]

Originally Posted by WhyNot

(I'm also reconsidering my "never again" stance. Y'all make a lot of sense, particularly about how if we wait until we're both in the mood, it may take years. I just need to figure out how to re-wire it into my brain so that I don't feel "put-upon" or martyred for doing it.)

Good, because I was about to revoke your screen name.

[Sleel]

I'm not a woman, but my girlfriend recently told me that if I want to have sex and she seems like she's not into it at first, I should try just rubbing it on her enough to get her wet enough to put it in. She said that usually gets her in the mood enough to have sex. My mistake was in trying to be all nice and sensitive by kissing, touching, rubbing, stroking, and avoiding the heavy action areas until I got some positive feedback. She was giving me signals that I thought meant that she didn't want to have sex when really she just didn't want the sensitive touching.

Apparently, even after being with her for years I hadn't figured out that sometimes she's just not in the mood for foreplay even though she wouldn't mind having sex. Even though I felt selfish and insensitive for doing it, I tried it a few times and I'll be damned if she didn't occasionally get more into it than some of the times I lavished attention on her before doing it. Man, sometimes all that time and effort I spent acquiring my mad horny-making skillz and honing my technique feels wasted. Just put it in and start banging, sheesh.

[DrunkOnion]

Originally Posted by Inigo Montoya

So...have you ever done it just to "shut him up" even though you weren't realy into the mood? What specificially were the magic words because, you know, just curious.

My SO and I have never said NO to one another..Sex is a gift we share and give to each other. I know how sappy that sounds..but it works for us.
Magic words....Hey baby.

[AngelicGemma]

Very occasionally. It's not pleasant.

[miamouse]

Hmmmm what were the magic words? Not that I'd consider this magic or that anything that followed was magical but if you want seriously mess with the relationship just so you can get some.....


Please?
Please?
Please?
Please?
Please?
Why Not?
Huh?
Did you say no?
I didn't hear you.
Please?
C'mon.
It's been two weeks. [in reality two days]
Please?
Are you seeing someone else?
Please?
Please?
Why not? [because you know undermined trust can just fuck a relationship up but good]

Fine. Just hurry the hell up.