Damn, Damn, & Damn.
For those of you new to saga, here’s a linky to play with.
Well, my wife and I had a “date” last Friday. It was out 11th anniversary and we decided to go out. We agreed before hand that we would keep it light and easy. Just an evening out between close friends. To ignore the anniversary would be like avoiding the elephant in the room so we thought this was a good compromise between the traditional anniversary date and not doing anything at all. We avoided the romantic resturant and the romantic movie and went with a chain steak place and a disappointing comedy.
It was a pretty good time. We steered clear of problem subjects, having to shift gears a couple of times, but did alright.
I noticed at dinner that she wasn’t wearing her wedding/engagement set.
She hasn’t been wearing it for a little while now. I said something and she just said she forgot to put it back on. She intended, she said, to wear it and the heart pendant that I gave her for a wedding gift eleven years ago.
So, on the way to the movie, and I forgot the seque to this subject, I told her that I was thinking a bit about how I would date after the separation. I told her that I was going to have to be careful not to find a gold-digger or somebody just looking for a man to save her from an uncomfortable lifestyle. Mostly, this was a smokescreen on my part - I was trying to show her that I was accepting the inevitable and this was, indeed, an evening with with a good friend.
We sat together in the movie theater, holding hands. She leaned on my shoulder at times which suprised me. When the movie was over, we went out for dessert, holding hands over the table. I kept noticing that her wedding ring was gone and I was nostalgic while looking at a different ring she was wearing, the ruby ring I gave her for our tenth anniversary.
That ring is a mixed memory. I wanted to get her a three-diamond, past-present-future ring for our tenth but they were simply too expensive. I settled on this ruby ring because it was beautiful, IMO, and was in my price range. When I gave it to her, I could see the disappointment in her eyes, she was really expecting & hoping for a three-stone-ring.
We got home, and for old times sake we had sex. We had discussed this a bit earlier and I said (please, forgive the language) that I knew the difference between “making love” and “fucking” and I thought we could engage in the latter. Just “friends with benefits” it’s sometimes called.
Well, when it was all done, and she was leaving my bed for hers, I was moping a bit. She reminded me that this was all “just between friends” and I said that I know that and I was 99% with the program on that subject. Really, it didn’t feel like 99%, more like 50%.
Well, it comes out Saturday, the day after, in an argument, that she’s not so sure now. She’s starting to second-guess her committment to the breakup. Friday, she says, was a reminder of the good times and she is feeling more uncertainty. She says her parting comment to me that night was posturing on her side, too.
So - here we are, perhaps lying to each other and/or lying to ourselves. She’s spent weeks trying to convince me that we need to separate and now that I’ve finally come to agree with her, she’s starting to waffle.
I believed her comments enough that night that Saturday morning I moved my wedding band to my other hand. Now she’s saying she just was saying that and she’s not so sure now.
Good God! I’m confused.
She fixed me a nice breakfast this morning. She’s called me at my desk to let me know something that could’ve waiting 'til evening.
If it weren’t for the kids, I’d chuck it all, I don’t need this pain and confusion. Now, I don’t know what’s appropriate.
She’s still the same selfish person that she’s always been. Yesterday I saw her exasperation as we were setting the table. I was distracted and wasn’t helping her fully. (This, after I’ve cleaned the kitchen and set the table solo for the past four days or so). She’ll probably remain the poor housekeeper and spendthrift that she’s always been. She admits her poor decision in responding to personal ads but seems to want it swept under the rug as being in the past.
Is she demonstrating her desire to keep me or is this her self-preservation as her resume ages out in the real-world with no responses? Am I looking back to her out of fear for the unknown or desire for her?
Am I mis-reading all of this and her expressed confusion just a ploy to manipulate me? Her own sense of self-worth is going to want me to leave her, not the reverse.
This whole thing just sucks.
