My dad is 65 years old and completely miserable. All he does is scream and holler at my mom, me and my brother (when we’re there) and even his grandkids (when their there). But he’s nice as can be to strangers and extended family. They have no idea that he’s this mean, vulgar, miserable person to his immediate family.
When he yells at one of us, he screams at the top of his lungs, calls us “motherfucker” or “assholes” and any other thing you can think of that’s vulgar. The least little thing will set him off. I called my mom earlier today and she didn’t answer the first time, so I called back a few minutes later. My Dad answers and screamed at me “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP CALLING HERE ASSHOLE?!?!?!” I yelled back “Fuck you !” and hung up.
He is extremely violent and angry all the time. My poor mom is so “old school” she just won’t bring herself to leave him. She’s extremely loyal and faithful, one of those types. I ask her all the time why she’s still with him, but it does no good.
He’s just a dickhead if you ask me, I can’t stand being around the guy in all honesty. He’s threatened my life, punched me in the face a few years ago (I couldn’t bring myself to hit him back, but if there is a next time, it will be different, he only gets two free hits, that’s it) and is just plain…well…miserable all the time.
He’s a real manly type of man, “men don’t cry” type of guy. So getting him help is out of the question. I don’t even think a whole team of shrinks would help him anyways.
Please answer with factual questions about disorders, I know it’s easy to nitpick everything I say on here, but this is a serious issue for me.
Thanks
**What kind of personality disorder would it be where someone is miserable and wants everyone around them miserable too? **
I have a question for anyone who’s got some knowledge – can depression manifest with symptoms like the OP’s father? What’s got me flummoxed is the seeming control he has over his reactions, reserving the abuse for proximate family while treating extended family and strangers well.
From personal experience, I do believe that people who harbor deep guilt or shame can act much like your father. Especially when family knows about the shameful thing – there’s a feeling of always being judged … persecution … paranoia and severe lashing out can soon follow. Extended family, strangers, and acquaintances are no “threat” because a complete, “shameless” personna can be maintained.
Interesting, that’s a great point and worth looking in to. The thing is though, I don’t know what that could be. He didn’t start acting like this until my brother and I became teenagers (I’m 30 now). I don’t recall him being abusive (sexually or physically) to us in the past, he’s just very verbally and rarely (regarding when he punched me a few years ago) physically abusive.
I also don’t know what he could be shameful about, but if it is in fact shame, he’s a very strong type of shame and must be something extremely bad that he did in the past.
It could be *many * things. There’s not enough information to say. He may just be an asshole (no offense meant, but it’s the best word I could think of).
That said, I believe this might count under the “no asking for a diagnosis” rule.
You’re not supposed to ask for medical advice in GQ … although the line seems blurred to me. ISTM that an academic interest in a certain condition can lead to perfectly acceptabe GQ questions. Even though the subject of the OP is your father, and your interest is clearly not merely academic, I don’t see why the question can’t be addressed as though you, in fact, do have only an academic interest.
Well, I’m not so much asking for a diagnosis, just a list of possible illnesses. Sorry if it seems like a diagnosis. I should change the “would this be” to “could this be” out front. But, since there is no edit button, I can’t.
He’s a classic abuser, plain and simple. It’s nothing as simple as a mental illness, (it’s more a sickness of the spirit in a way) he’s an abuser. What was his childhood like? How did his father treat his mother? He’s gone long enough, that I doubt he can break out of the behavior pattern. A few men actually can break out of the pattern, if they have personal integrity, and timely intervention. Not very many though.
It’s not always rooted in a huge thing. For instance, it could have started as shame in losing his cool with one of you at some point. If he couldn’t come to grips with his feelings and kind of resolve things in his head, that shame could have colored all future interactions with his close family, leading to escalating negative behavior (in turn, leading to more shame). It’s like a “shame feedback loop” … and, painfully for everyone, the presence of his family may be a constant source of anxiety for him. He may dread waking up every morning to his wife, and dread seeing you kids.
You can go to therapy by yourself, without your father in tow, if you just want to talk to someone in a professional capacity about all of this. You can learn of various coping mechanisms, and perhaps get help in coming up with an approach to convince your father to seek help.
Because I am personally curious as to what could be going on here. Just so I know what I’m working with, it would set me at ease. Next time he freaks out, I can tell myself, “well, it could be (enter sickness here) acting up again, just walk away, diggleblop, just walk away”.
I’ll add, that some abusers are fighting depression. Even after getting the depression under control, they continue to abuse their families because that is the behavior pattern that is established. Sometimes the person can also get anger management therapy, and learn how to express their feelings, and how to properly deal with negative emotions, and break out of the vicious cycle. Not very often, and rarely late in life if statistics are to be believed.
Don’t rule out physical possibilities - Alzheimers, the result of a stroke, loss of hearing. These can all create behavior changes in people as they age.
And here is a link you might explore, as the SDMB isn’t the place to look for specific diagnosis.
Again, interesting. Now that I think about it, I think it has to do with him “losing everything” in a financial sense. See, we used to be well off financially, big house, lots of cars and all that. He used to be an HVAC contractor and was doing all the homes for this large builder in my area. Well, one day he snapped and lost it on the builder (who is basically his boss) and the guy stopped giving him work. This in turn caused the bills to pile up and he “lost his empire”, so to speak. And that was right around the time my brother and I became teenagers. So he’s been living in financially smaller means since then.
And now that you mention these things, I bet that’s what it could be. Well, I think it could be one of a few underlying sources. Going to therapy has crossed my mind, too. I’ll do some research.
