Hi, Bittersweet, apologies for being so wordy
There is one odd thing that is a very regular side-effect of heart surgery (from cath. on up). A short temper and fast fuse are often an outcome. Lots of theories about ‘why’ but, no-one actually knows.
However, I’m reading your post as:
1)This ‘room-mate’ is also your S.O.
2)The flash-temper was in place before the heart attack.
3)(and, not that it matters) Your ‘room-mate’ is a decade or so older than you … otherwise that is a Very Young heart-attack!
“Bipolar” will usually show up as Much more pronounced than getting angry at the drop of the hat. More like cycles of remarkably different views of life and reactions to life. Not to say that bipolar individuals can’t do rage-tantrums to amazing scale, but the ‘rage-aholic’ part you describe doesn’t, in itself, dictate bipolar.
“Borderline” is Always an interesting individual to be around, but the most predominant feature of “borderline” will be the ease with which others around them move from “Wonderful heroes, most amazing people ever” over to being “a terrible evil on the face of the earth; the villain at fault for the borderline’s every problem.”
This is not the same as when this guy might find you to be the most beautiful woman he’s ever known, that he’s amazed you’d be with him; then rapidly slides over into seeing you as the most stupid B**ch he’s ever encountered.
The scenario of sudden rage does fit really well into a narcissistic behavior pattern The narcissist, not in the ‘check my hair in every mirror I pass’ sense, but more like an individual who actually experiences the world Only from how it impacts them, … you could almost think of it like a Very high level functioning autism. It is a very literal experience, that the external world is a “binary” experience for them. That outside world (or, any individual around them, for that matter) is either in a “0” state, “Going along with my thoughts or Not intruding on my experience,” or in a “1” state, “Is Intruding on my Experience” In which case, the narcissist feels no compunction what-so-ever about asserting what ever level of fierceness is required to back that world (person) away from them, to return the world to the “proper” “0” state. (NOT a text book description, just my working ‘experiential’ analogy)
So, if he is suddenly raging, then back to “0” … but pissy if anyone else is reacting to their attack … ??? “Why can’t you just get over it, I do!” … good candidate.
As to the doc., here’s my thought: Were it I, and were I planning to continue (for love, finances, or what ever reasons) to be S.O. with this person … I’d probably call the doc.'s office, and get the fax number. Then I’d send a fax to the doc. in a tiny font with no visual headers (in case the doc. is so oblivious as to have it in the chart where my rage-aholic friend might catch a glimpse of it.) I’d open the fax with the comments that the doc. should in No Way reveal they’ve gotten information from any source. This is so that the patient Can Get Help, without feeling betrayed. Just let them see this as being interviewed by a very good and thorough doctor.
Then I’d tell them who I am, to this patient, and I’d describe the zero-sixty boil-overs, the rage and unpredictability, the visible stress indicators, etc., asking the doc. to consider evaluating my S.O. for one of the anti-seizure drugs (which are rapidly becoming more used for migraine and emotional ‘lack of patience’ patterns), antidepressants, or ‘tranquilizers.’
Because of my great trust in human nature, I’d end the fax again emphasizing to the doc. that they must NOT let on to the patient, at all, that they have received information about them from any other source. They must act like they are doing routine parts of their exam, and asking routine questions, lest the patient become uncooperative and feel betrayed.
side note: It is funny, but the research is just now catching up on the use of ‘brain electrical’ drugs (classically anti-seizure) for mental conditions where a lack of ‘patience’ and a lack of ‘enthusiasm about life’ have shown up. Seems, we reached an understanding about theories of “chemical imbalance” and now psychological medicine is beginning to really look into “electrical imbalance.”
Anyway, if I were planning to continue to be ‘with’ this person, I might do that. When my late sweetie was going through medical treatments I ‘discovered’ that medical office staff sometimes get ‘over vigilant’ about protecting their doctors from incoming information, but that written information always got to the doc. … thus, the fax machine.
On the other hand, if this were ‘just a room-mate…’ I’d let the doc. stuff alone, and start looking for a place to live.
Even if I Were planning to stick around with this person, if I were talking to me, I’d have to tell me … “Don’t expect any great changes in this pattern, and DO expect you’ll have to risk: being kicked out of the relationship, by pointing out to them when their responses are out of proportion … time and time again, till they start to catch on to the notion that the outside world is seeing them differently than they wish to be seen.” (possibly, never.)
(Note the following says “being willing to walk …” it does NOT say, “Threatening to walk …” I feel you don’t ‘tick’ that way, but may readers might read it wrong.)
Being willing to walk, if they don’t wake-up, Will be required. The Primary leverage for him readjust himself, is when he would have to balance between two “pains” he doesn’t want. The “pain” of being in a “1” state, bothered by his surroundings that DO include you, versus the “pain” of being in a “1” state bothered by surroundings because they No Longer include you. If he has the option of being ‘fierce’ with his surroundings, and getting them to back off, back to a “0” state, there is NO internal trigger to want it any different than that!
Just my thoughts. I am Not a Doctor. I am Not a physician. I am Not licensed in Fla. or Anywhere else, for that matter, to diagnose Nor Prescribe. I am Not particularly pro-“there’s a drug in the pharmacy for every problem.” And in this case … I’m figuring that ‘therapy’ would be something he’d see YOU needing, since he’s fine, except for when You mess stuff up or make him angry.
I’m merely an active student of humans and their interesting behaviors, and I talk with enough people to have seen an interesting cross-section of the species.
Please, any of the bazillion of Dopers out there who Have those credentials and degrees, if I’m leading bittersweet astray, just jump on in to redirect her thinking. No need to flame me, I’m just tossing in my thoughts and experiences … and only tossing them in as mine. this information is strictly anecdotal, a gathering of the views of One individual, thus all information contained is subject to a statistical error of plus or minus :smack:% Of course if you’ve got degrees and credentials and stuff, and you agree with what I’ve said, you’re Welcome to declair me “right-on!”
Oh … and WAY off to the side, were I having any control over his foods, I’d avoid M.S.G. (in lots and lots of stuff – beyond take-out Chinese … like cheese flavored Doritos!) in his diet like the plague. M.S.G. is a brain-chemical and for people with electrical balance questions in their neuro-system, it throws the whole world into a feeling of “off balance” and “dangerous” … therefore “fierce” response is required.
Best o’ Luck, Darlin’
