Ok, based on the responses to my post in the closed thread, “Does Abortion Really Hurt Women?” as well as this thread, “Anaamika - a polite thank you…” and the suggestion made in the first thread, I thought it might be a good idea to try this. I’ve tried it before but not in an “ask the” format.
So - I had an abortion in 1995, when I was twenty. I don’t regret it one bit. It doesn’t leave lasting scars on everyone. It’s not the end of the world. And I don’t mind talking about it one bit.
If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I don’t want this to turn into a moral debate, but I don’t mind answering why, for example.
Ok, I’ll bite: Why?
Was it a difficult decision? Did you consider alternatives?
How were others that were close to you (parents, siblings, the father, friends, etc.) when they found out you were considering or had done it? Were they supportive or did they berate you?
You say it didn’t leave lasting scars, but what were the effects, physically and emotionally, in the days/weeks/months thereafter?
Could you talk about access a little bit? Did you face any impediments in terms of finding services or travel? Did you experience any difficulty from “counselors” or other intimidators attempting to interfere outside the clinic?
Also, were you supported in the process by the guy? Did this have any impact on how you have coped with the experience, in your opinion?
Why: I was completely uneducated about birth control when I got pregnant. My mother had never even mentioned the word sex to me, and I barely knew what a condom was. We’d only had sex a couple of times when I caught. He did say he’d marry me if I so chose, but there was never an option for me - I was not interested in having a child at that age.
Part of this stems from the fact that I was an illigitmate child myself, and didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps.
Another part was I knew I would not be a good mother at that age - I had way too much emotional baggage from my parents, who were not good parents.
It was not a difficult decision by any sense of the word. I knew what I wanted to do right away.
I have no siblings. When my parents found out, about a year later, after I broke up with him, they disowned me.
The abortion itself left no scars - neither emotionally nor physically. The reaction of my family - that was to be expected, since they were actually more horrified to find out I was having sex. To this day they refuse to acknowledge such a thing even happened.
The procedure was extraordinarily painful. The doctor basically scrapes out your insides. A nurse was in there with me, and she let me hold her hand tightly, and I cried, and was completely miserable.
Afterwards there was residual soreness, but not worse than having a period. I saw the lump of tissue, they asked me if I wanted to. I was very early on. It was nothing. It was like seeing a tonsil, or something.
I literally looked up PP in the phone book. Albany is pretty good with abortion providers so it wasn’t hard to find. No difficulty from anyone. On the contrary, the PP give you 3 counseling sessions, and during them they themselves brought up the possibility of adoption and gave me some brochures to adoption clinics in the area, and told me to go home and think on it. No one outside the clinic at all.
I was supported by the guy and it made all the difference. At the time I had all Indian friends, none of whom approved of abortion, and my family was definitely against me. He was the only support I had, and I don’t know how it would have gone without him.
Not a chance. I never considered having a child. Even now I remain childless and plan to continue doing so. That’s really a debate for another thread, but to me having a child is the immoral choice.
Note: That only stands for ME. I do not attempt to dictate the morality of other people having children!
That’s an interesting POV, but I’m not sure I understand it. Can you tell us why you think that having a baby and giving it up for adoption would have been an immoral choice for you?
This is a hijack, but briefly: Having a child and not being responsible for it is to me the more immoral choice. Again, this stems entirely from the fact that I was completely shunned by my birth father and abandoned by my birth mother from a very erly age. You know, once you get burned that badly, it changes your whole perception of things throughout life.
I agree that adoption is important and those services need to be available. And I wouldn’t look down on someone who had to follow that path! But it would be hypocritical at the very least for me - I’ve spent my whole life criticizing my parents and to turn around and do the same thing myself?
Besides, I never once thought of it as a child. I don’t today, either.
Just curious…How could you have missed reproductive education in New York? They taught it to us in 5th grade and beyond, back in the 60s. This was Chicago, but I’d think it would be the same in New York.
I learned reproductive education, sure but that is not the same as sex education. Like I said, I don’t think I’d even seen a condom and certainly received no overt lesson that this was what you had to do.
It’s certainly not an excuse. I mean, I heard it from other places, and I sure should have known - but you can should have-could have-would have all day and it doesn’t change the past one bit. Fact remains that I was irresponsible. The difference between me and the pro-life segment is that I feel I did take responsibility for my actions, the abortion being the step I took.
Sarahfeena: Please don’t be sorry! All questions are welcome.
How did having the abortion affect your relationship with the father? Did he come with you? What was the trip to and from the place like? How long was it before you had sex again? Did you use protection from then on?
Have you always never considered having children? Was it an attitude that you held at the time of your abortion? Do you think that haveing that attitude helped deminish emotional scarring from the event?
He and I were in love, and were together for some time still after that. It was just something we kept between us. That was not the dealbreaker that caused us later to break up.
He came with me. We had no car back then, so we had to take a cab. It was my first experience taking a cab. The building as I recall was a plain little building with glass doors, no big deal. He waited with me until I went in for the procedure, then waited outside. When I was done, they had a little resting room for me, and they asked me if I wanted him there and then brought him over to me.
I don’t remember exactly how long it was until I had sex again. Not long at all.
And I’ve been on two forms of birth control ever since. Pill or shot or whatever I’m using at the moment (I’ve varied over the years) and a condom.
I was not as…positive back then about not having children. I honestly hadn’t thought about it too much. But I really did have such a traumatic experience after I found out about my adoption that I knew I was in no condition to have a child and treat it fairly, and not unload all my resentment at not having had a real mother - I’ve got two mothers and neither of them ever showed much love to me. However I always did* lean* towards not having kids.
I don’t know if it helped or not, to be honest. Perhaps my ambivalent attitude helped, but then I don’t fully understand the feeling of really wanting to have a child. I’ve never felt like that. So i can’t say how I would have felt the other way.
I worked in an abortion clinic for five years, roughly 1990-1995. This was a private doctor, not a Planned Parenthood organization.
We offered all of our patients “twilight anesthesia” or, if they chose, a local anesthetic. I’m not going to say that none of our patients complained of extraordinary pain, but that it was certainly unusual.
Have you ever encountered people picketing a clinic? If so, what did you do?
I once met an angry old woman when I was walking around St. Louis, Missouri. She offered a pamphlet, and she asked me to fight the baby killers, or something like that. I told her to go home and mind her own business. I kept walking, and she scolded me until I was out of earshot. I would have kept quiet if she had not confronted me.