[ol]
[li]I am on medication.[/li][li]I’m currently seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis.[/li][li]I have a blog, but I think I like you people better.[/li][li]I’m undergoing cognitive therapy while distancing myself (as much as possible) from poisonous contacts of any sort.[/li][li]Perhaps most important for purposes of this thread, I AM NOT SUICIDAL, which bears repeating. I AM NOT SUICIDAL. if for no other reason than I’m too friggin’ tired to be.[/li][/ol]
But here’s the deal… ever since I had the hysterectomy last month, all those things I try to keep under control (or at least balanced), have in turn become a wild mish-mash of emotions. Sometimes it alternates and I’m depressed, then anxious and suicidal, then paralyzed with fear. Sometimes that cycles unbelievably out of control, like 450 revolutions per hour. Other times, the day will be ruled by one thing, but seemingly different than what I’m used to.
Anyway, talking to my doctor(s), they both advise this is temporary and in my head of head’s, I know this to be true. However, when one is right in the midst of the damn storm, it’s your heart of heart’s that aims for overruling logic and making your emotions/fear/paranoia/whatever reign supreme.
So, for anyone reading along who might give even the tiniest shit, could you send a warm fuzzy my way? I’ll take an “atta girl” or three. Vibes of an encouraging type are also always good and, although I’m a true blue agnostic (or I think it can’t be proven that I’m not), prayers would welcomed and appreciated as well. Other than that, I’ve got PayPal.
Thanks for listening. Also, I’m generally angry enough at myself and the cosmos to venture far, so I’ll be around.
~Kemi, who knows this is pathetic but doesn’t really care much anymore
Sounds to me like you’re doing everything you can to keep this under control. So, attagirl, warm fuzzy thoughts, you will come through this. In the mean time you have this unbelievable place right here to come to for encouragement and support. You know we’ll be there for ya faithfool.
And, for what it’s worth, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there, do your best to ride out the roller coaster and take care of yourself. The crash of negative emotion after negative emotion is certainly exhausting. (I think that exhaustion has kept me alive a time or two in the past) Get some rest when you can and focus on the good as much as possible.
Also, congrats on keeping your head together enough to remember your meds and to get to the doc.
Thanks so much everyone. When I end up in these bouts of agoraphobia, y’all are my human interaction, as well as my only connection to the outside world (sans medical professionals and the long-suffering better half of mine). So when it gets really bad, I crave talking to you guys. I know that sounds silly, but on a couple of other occasions, Dopers have seen me through to the other side and they did so with the utmost gentleness, concern and faith. The latter of which, is something I no longer have. About 11 years worth actually.
Anyway, I try to remember the steps they say to take when you’ve sunk past the bottom… and since I always promise to try to stay the course without resorting to something desperate, it can be really difficult to seek out even the tiniest bit of help for fear of losing the one shred of dignity that you might ( ! ) have. And I’m tired, so very very tired. It’s been one long ass decade since I first had the nervous breakdown and in the interim, too many attempts and hospital stays to boot. Just enough with the ‘2 step forward, 45 back’ merry-go-'round.
I have been diagnosed unofficially with clinical depression, so I totally am with you on the emotional rollercoaster ride from Hell that it sounds like you’re going through.
You’re doing a great job. Keep up the good work, and “atta girl”
You hang in there, you’re doing alright, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – especially you!
You know when you’re at the sea side and the waves are coming in strong and high?
Sometimes you gotta let it wash over you, especially when it’s very rough, to keep from getting knocked down.
Take a couple of deep breaths and let it wash over you.
I feel for you, Sister. Agnostic or no, I’m going to include you in our Comfort Ritual, which is basically a prayer to bring comfort, peace and healing white light into those we ask it for. Either it will help or it won’t, but either way you’ll know that some one (or some four, actually) in Chicago is thinking about you. I’m pretty sure that I exist, anyway.
IF you happen to see or feel a white bright light above your head catching your attention, just relax and let it happen. Some people literally see it and some don’t, but it’ll be there just the same, about 11:00 Central time tonight.
Again everyone, this helps so much. At least I don’t feel so alone when isolation seems to be my only defense. I’ll look at kittens, for bright white lights and to actually fulfill silenus’ Special People role. I just sometime so wish for all the cacophony in my head to stop, even if it’s for only an hour. I remember my ‘normal’ life and see that as something that will probably never be an option again, not even the severely truncated version. I want those in my family to quit saying such negative things about me, but most of all, I’d like to function somehow. Hell, walking dogs would be an improvement whenever it’s like this.
Thanks again. Would it be too corny to say I love you all? If so, then just pretend I’m thinking it anyway.
P.S. To any who’ve already written… please don’t worry that I’d be offended. My life is always an open book and my email is in my profile, so one can’t expect anything less, you know? It’s okay to do that or PM me or both. As I’ve stated, I’ll be around. The couch and I have no plans for this evening.
I cant remember very well; are you agoraphobic? Because I know from experience that walking and going outside for a while can be very helpful during moments of depression/anxiety. The Dope is always here for you, but there’s something about fresh air and natural sunlight/moonlight that can be very comforting.
Yeah, I am. But it seems when I’ve had a spate of having to be out, like over my birthday [ ::: shudder – my mother – shudder some more ::: ], various doctor’s visits and then when I absolutely can’t put something off any longer (like grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking the BH to the airport), then my system goes into major shut down for anything more. Does that make any sense? So, picking up the mail can be a huge task. :mad: However of late, I’ve been forcing myself no matter what, to at least venture into the backyard or onto the porch for some sun, breeze and maybe car/people watching. It’s weak, but I guess it’s better than nothing.
And as you said, it’s soothing. If only I could manage more when the real insanity hits…
Nothing you’re doing is weak. Mental difficulties require an exorbitant amount of energy to deal with successfully. You are doing much better than my past self and many of my friends. I’m being honest and not just saying this to cheer you up.
You said “BH” earlier. Do you mean BF, or something else?
And yes, the part about your agoraphobia made sense. I was similar with my depression. I could eat, sleep, and socialize a bit, but anything else was torture.
Ah, bless your heart. It does suck giant green festered donkey balls, doesn’t it? And thank you for your kind words, when this is your reality, I’m not sure if I’ll wake up tomorrow and either swear that I dreamed it or somewhere in my head Napoleon told me it was true. Fortunately, the latter hasn’t progressed that far, but I live in fear of it every single day. I’m just glad to know that there’s anyone out there who has conquered it, or even just beat the damn thing back. I know I couldn’t typically socialize now if my life depended on it. Hearing that you can almost makes me cry. I’m so happy for you.
As to “BH,” it stands for Better Half. Without him, I’d surely be dead now, no doubt about it. Someday, I’ll nominate him for sainthood. Og knows he deserves it.
Well, when I was under the dark spell, my socializing was far from normal. It consisted mostly of me sitting on the bed and playing a few rounds of Mario Kart or crawling into a dorm-mate’s room and sitting silently while watching the Red Sox play. Far from normal, but better than nothing it was.
Dont cry for me, ya know. You can and will recover from your hard times. Dont let the negative thingymajigger inside you take over! That was the hard part for me.
As for your Better Half, that’s great news! Having a companion is so wonderful. He sounds like a great dude
Hysterectomies will drain the energy right out of you for months. However, after the first six weeks or so, you’ll probably feel much better. Think about how much time and effort you’re saving by not having to deal with your uterus. After I got over the first couple of months, I was extremely happy that I was no longer having periods.
Right now is the time to take extra care of yourself. Make sure that you’re eating right. Mild exercise is good, whatever you can do is good. Getting out into the sun, even if it’s just in your own back yard, is good. Especially if you have some nice scenery to look at. Speaking of nice things to look at, do you know about http://www.cuteoverload.com/ ? All sorts of cute stuff on that site.
Having been through the whole depression/anxiety/agoraphobia thing, you have my wishes for any kind of improvement that comes along. It may come in small increments but each one is a step toward feeling better.
One helpful thing I did is that when I caught myself thinking something negative, I cut that thought off and thought something positive or at least something non-toxic to the mind. It takes practice but, for me, it became almost automatic and helped keeping me from dragging myself deeper into my personal pit of despair. It still took a long time to get out of that pit (like several years) but I think stopping my negative thoughts kept me a little nearer to the surface of normality.
Perhaps, for you, you could keep a book of silly poetry nearby. Maybe some Shel Silverstein or Ogden Nash or even Dr. Seuss. Whenever you catch yourself thinking something negative, pick up the book and read something funny.
Keep us updated on yourself. I’m glad you know that we care.
I’ll look at kittens, for bright white lights and to actually fulfill silenus’ Special People role. I just sometime so wish for all the cacophony in my head to stop, even if it’s for only an hour. I remember my ‘normal’ life and see that as something that will probably never be an option again, not even the severely truncated version. I want those in my family to quit saying such negative things about me, but most of all, I’d like to function somehow. Hell, walking dogs would be an improvement whenever it’s like this.