Pardon my French, but I haven’t been this annoyed at my lack of glossic ability since my disastrous failure at licking another tempting body part of mine.
I should have known really. Up to a few days ago, I had never ever dreamed of licking my own elbow. I mean, it’s just an elbow. The elbow is possibly one of the most awkward parts of the body. It doesn’t bend nearly as many ways as I would like, it’s all knobby and ugly, and it has an annoying tendency to bump into things. Have you ever been hit in the head by an elbow? I have. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
But oh fiddlesticks I’m rambling. I was talking about how the elbow is awkward. Before that I was talking about licking aforementioned elbow. Let’s finish discussing the pros and cons of the elbow first though. Pros: It enables bending. (“I am elbow. Please insert limb”) It’s better than not having one. Cons: It’s stubborn about how it bends. It’s weird-looking. It’s not a penis.
So, OK, back to what I was saying a few paragraphs ago, up til recently I was blissfully unaware of my elbow-licking deficit. For that matter, I was blissfully unaware of having elbows. I mean, shit, obviously I know I have elbows, but it’s not something you think about much. Come now, how many times a day do you stop, pause, and ponder your elbows. Are you ever sitting on the toilet, reading Readers Digest, and then have the following epiphany: “wow this elbow is pretty neat.” No, you dont. That’s because elbows are the most boring part of the body. You may notice that I am quite spiteful to my elbows, but that is with good reason. I cant lick it. Oh ho ho, it goes without saying that are many other places on the body that I cant lick, but the elbow is the only one that’s so deceitful about it.
Let me 'splain. No, there is no too much. Let me sum up. Think of all the places on the human body that one can easily lick. I’ll give you ten seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ok, got it? No? Well, the tongue is short and is most unfortunately connected to the oral orifice of the head. It’s much easier for the tongue to remain stationary and let things come to it. What does this sound like? Yes, arms! Ok, so we have thus established that the most natural thing that comes to mind on the list of things that one can lick is the arms. We can verify this through empirical research. It’s fun and safe for the whole family, just keep your tongues to yourself. Unless you’re from South Carolina, in which case be my guest. (I keed I keed). Unlike the elbow, the twin meat snakes hanging off our shoulders are very flexible and elegant. The tongue has easy access to all of the surface area, all that is except for one. THe fucking elbow.
Intuitively one would think that the elbow would be the very easiest spot to lick. It’s the bending center. It twists and bends because that’s its job. It cant quit it’s job because the elbow has no mind of its own Body parts are typically like that. Typically is an important qualifier in that sentence, but I have no intention of being lude. There’s plenty of other threads about one-eyed eels, clam sandwiches, and brown starfishes, and this thread shall not be one of them. No, this OP will take the high road, and explain to the world the insidiousness of the elbow.
Where was I? That’s right, up until lately I was content with my life. I have a job, and a girlfriend-kinda-sorta, and a good family. The birds shine in the sunny Florida sky and so far I am free of any kind of elephantitis. All of this came to a screaching halt though, on that fateful day, the day where I discovered I could not for the life of me lick my motherfucking son of a bitch elbow. GAH! There’s so many reasons why this is so enfuriating. None of them probably make any sense, but they are reasons nonetheless.
One, it’s not my penis. At first glance this would seem counter-intuitive. The penis would naturally be the bigger irritation for a male. At first yes, but after the tears of defeat, the penis, being man’s best friend, kindly suggests other ways of spending quality time together. The penis gets on his blackberry, text messages Hy Pothalamus, who then in turn e-mails Miz Grabby McPleasureplams. Miz Grabby McPleasurepalms is a kind lass and more than willing to lend a hand (tee hee). In contrast, the elbow does not have such a buddy list. The elbow is not an erogenous zone and thus does not have any friends.
Two, the elbow is a tease. By this I mean the elbow gets soooo close to the tongue, but never quite there. One might even imagine a better endowed man being able to achieve this feat of flexibility. This makes my id a very unhappy camper.
Three, nobody talks about it. Everybody knows most men cant suck their own cocks, but this little elbow thing is news to me. Now, I cant lick under my thighs, on the top of my head, on the bottom of my feet, or on that spot in the center of the shoulderblades that begs to be scratched and when you cant reach it you want to crawl into a hole and die but then when you reach it feels like heaven and a million massuesses with a million bottles of lotion could not make you happier. You cant lick any of those places, but that’s not annoying because those places are so obvious. I’ve said this before, but the elbow seems so obviously reachable. Why cant you lick your own elbow? Why? Why? WHY DAMNIT WHY? IT’S RIGHT THERE! I can lick anywhere ELSE on my arm, but not this one spot. And it’s not even a fun spot to lick. it’s a crusty, dry-skinned, ugly sack of shitty-ass tissue that I only live with because my arms would be fucked without it. It’s frustrated moments like this that I lose control and try to lick it again. After being unable to, I get more frustrated, and so goes this endless waltz.
Ya know, I almost got it once. I really did. I put one arm in a bent sideways position, like making a bicep flex and then pivotting my arm by the elbow in a horizontal motion towards the front of my chest. Then, grabbing my elbow and using my other arm as a type of lever, I pulled my left arm up towards my face. Closer and closer I came, but then the pain set in. The more I pulled, the more pain I felt. But the pain wasn’t going to stop me, no sir. This was worth it. I was close! I pulled more, and it hurt more. Pull, pain, so close, pull, pain, so close. Eventually the little oompa loompa in my brain got on the intercom and screamed out “your body don’t bend that way ya fuckin’ dumbass!” Once again, the darkness of defeat set in the dusk of my lamentations.
To make a long story short, two days later I have still been unable to achieve this goal. I dont try often anymore, as I have given up almost all hope. The only thing that pushes me onward is my ignorance of the possibility of my objective. I haven’t told anyone how irksome this has been for fear of ridicule, so I’m still not sure if it’s truly impossible or not. Once I learn the truth, I shall be set free from this torment. Then I will be free to frolic in the fyords, as is my wont.
So I ask you, my fellow Dopers: can you lick your elbows?
(If anyone’s still reading, I think it should be said that I’m not drunk, high, or having a psychotic break. I got on a writing spree and it took a while to get it out of my system. Hope it wasn’t too craptacular 
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