Open letters to my pets

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Dear Gizmo,

Would you please, please use the litter box. I know you feel you are above the other felines in the house but is really getting old having to lay down old towels in the bathroom for you to shit and piss on. I know it is possible for you to use the boxes. I seen you just the other day as I myself was sitting on the can. You did not want do your business on the towel because you know in your heart it is wrong. So you took your fat ass over to the litter box and went. Why can’t you do that every time? Just something to think about.

Love, Mom.

Dear Moochie,

Why do you have to slink in and out of the door? None of the other cats do this. They all wait on the inside or outside and when I open the door they walk or run in or out. You have to slowly slink along the door frame. I know you are handsome. You are one of the best cat we have both on inside and out. Can you just walk in and out like everyone else.

Love, Mom

Dear Uno,

Would you please quit aggravating Zagnut. You don’t like her, we get it but you don’t have to chase her down and make her hiss and scream. Can’t you just ignore her like many of the other cats do. She really is a nice cat. She was not raised with other cats so she likes to keep to herself. Is it because she is all white and you are half an half? If you must start in on her can you wait until I am out of the bathroom so I can least have the chance to help her and shoo you away? Give mom a break okay?

Love, Mom

Dear Penelope,

Would you please stop being a bitch to everyone. You hiss and rowl at just about every other cat. It makes people not like you. You are so sweet and cute. If you would at least try and live in peace with your feline family I am sure they would warm up to you.

Love, Mom

Dear Bob,

We know you have a voice and you are not afraid to use it but can you tone it down a notch. I can see you run to the door. You do not have to MEOW over and over again in your outside voice. Do you not see me walking to the door to let you out?

Love, Mom

Dear Igore,

Are you in cahoots with Uno? Are you two a tag team against Zagnut? She is not going anywhere so can you lay off already. Also, can you quit attacking the front of the fish tank. We have had the tank for months and month now. Do you not realize that you can not get to them through the glass? You leave paw and nose marks all over the glass.

Love, Mom

Dear Button,

I am not going to let the door slam on you. I know when we first moved here that the screen door banged closed several times until we adjusted it. It no longer does that. You do not have to cower in the corner and then dart out the door at 100 miles an hour trying to make it through the door before it closes on you. It forces me to stand there and hold the door open while reassuring you until you feel comfortable that the porthole is not going to slam shut.

Love, Mom

Dear Zagnut,

Would you please stick up for yourself. You have no problem getting Pennie to back off but when it comes to Uno or Igore you let yourself get backed into a corner every friggin time. You are twice and big as Uno and you seem like worthy opponent for Igore but you run under the computer desk hissing and howling the whole way. You sound vicious but you just won’t reach out that paw and slap them a good one. If you did they would leave you alone. Grow a little backbone okay?

Love, Mom

Dear Beastie Bear,

You have come along way baby. From that vicious, growling, hissing asshole to mommies squishy bear but you still insist on giving the other cats a hard time now and then. I know you just want to play but not all of them want to. Uno and Igore will play with you all you want but the others don’t so quit antagonizing them. And can you lose a little of the attitude. You are not king of the hill. Yowling at me and swatting at my feet when I try to move you away from the open fridge door is not appealing.

Love, Mom

Dear Queenie,

You do not have to follow me everywhere I go. When I go upstairs or downstairs or to the bathroom for five seconds there is no need to come with. Save yourself the trouble. I will be right back, really.

Love, Mom

Dear Cassie,

Will you please stop jumping up and down like a pogo stick when you come inside. You always get a cookie. I am going to give you a cookie. Making all that noise and tramping on my poor toes will not get you the cookie any faster.

Love, Mom

Dear Hanna,

Would you please move along. Do not start walking in front of me and then just stop dead in your tracks. I almost tripped over you yesterday because of this behavior. I am not going to step on you. This is a really bad habit especially coming down the stairs. I don’t want to fall on you and I am sure you don’t want that to happen either.

Love, Mom

Thank you that is all.

2

Dear Tuxedo,

It’s been almost a year since we moved here. I understand that change can be traumatic, and I’m sure that you miss your friends but my landlord would only allow me one cat. I’m pleased that you’ve finally decided to stop hiding and slinking out to eat and use the litter pan. But could you please explain why the only time you will come close enough for me to pet you is when I’m trying to go to sleep? Jumping up on the bed and meowing at me while you walk around my pillow and flick your tail in my face was cute when you started doing it, but now it’s getting annoying. Why can’t you come up on my chair while I’m watching TV or reading, instead of standing just out of arm’s reach, staring at me and making meeping noises, or rolling onto your back, and then dashing away when I reach out to pet you?

Love, Dad

3

My Dear Sweet Murphy,

For 12 years you were my baby. My first child with a big black nose, floppy floppy ears, soft brown expressive eyes and a love of everyone.

I learned more about parenting and training humans from you than from any book or magazine.

You were with me during two pregnancies, three long drawn out ordeals involving the deaths of my brothers, my skinny-active years to the omfg I’ve porked out!!! In the winter you warmed my feet. In the summer you gave fair warning that an EVIL THUNDER STORM was NIGH and WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! Without you as our Doppler Dog, we might have missed the Crashes and Booms! (We won’t mention the evil holiday that happens in July and lasts until all the yahoos run out of fireworks.)

You greeted everyone equally and happily. Everyone was your friend.

You ate anything ( except Kiwi and salad) that we put in front of you. When we got lazy and fat, you got lazy and fat.

You were our prewash for the dishwasher every night, a job you did without fail and never complained. I wish your human siblings were so eager to do their chores.

I know that when your human brother arrived it was an adjustment for you to have your slice of the pie made that much smaller. I forgive you for the regressing, the burrowing through the doors when I would leave and the decimation you did to the brand new german lace curtains that Oma bought just for us.

You grew to love your brother, especially when he learned how to eat , moreso when he learned how to throw his food. One of my fondest memories is seeing your brother giggling in his high chair and you covered in mac and cheese, happily snarfing up all orangy projectiles.

Murphy, you were the lab that everyone wish they had. You walked perfectly at heel. Never tugged and never lunged at other dogs no matter how farking irritating they were. You romped with your boyfriend Chase so hysterically for years and ignored his doofus little brother Beauregard ( who could learn a thing or three from your welcoming ways.)
If you weren’t in the backyard, I knew were ‘off walkabout’ to the neighbors. How many times did I call Ms. Mary to find you in her kitchen having breakfast with them? You never went anywhere where you shouldn’t. Just the neighbors.

You rode in the car perfectly, like Miss Daisy.

You were always on the wrong side of the door and god, I miss that.

You listened to me vent and rage with patience for 12 years.

You’ve been gone now for a couple of months and every day I see you. I hear your bark. I miss your yellowy goodness, warmth at night, the smell of you after you laid in the sun.

We will never have a dog or companion like you again.

Mommy loves you.

4

Corbi and Gavi

My oh-so-brilliant girls…

Reading the above reminds me to tell you what great dogs you are, and how much I appreciate you. Thanks for sharing your lives and adventures with me.

-Mom

5

'Nenna -

Daddy and Mummy love you very much, but please stop playing the “chicken pixie” game with our dinner prep. That is just our way of saying we KNOW you got up on the counter and stole the food. Looking around for the “Pixie” is also cute, but we still know it was you. Lastly, We also know that the dog who comes around the island in the kitchen is you and not a new dog that was not just recently banished from the kitchen for being too nosy. You are not fooling anyone, sport.

Daddy loves you.

6

Magic -
Leave Dax alone. She doesn’t like you. Since you have been here a year now I’d say it’s a pretty good bet she will never like you. So don’t taunt her. Don’t tease her. Don’t corner her under my desk. You are going to pull one of those stunts one day and I am going to laugh myself into a coronary when she beats your ass.

Cricket - Mama loves you. You are my heart. You are also not transparent, and it is much easier to see my computer monitor when you lie down in front of it. When you stand in front of it all I can see is black fur. I know you are a cat and don’t take commands, but learn what “lie down” means or learn how to get tossed off the desk.

7

Dear Tulip,
WTF?

Daddy

8

Dear Samantha (Sammie),

Please stop getting into the bathroom cabinet at hight and stealing the cotton balls. Please stop eating the cotton balls. Please stop eating the plants when I let you out on the terrace. When you eat all this stuff, you hurl all over the place and I usually step in it at 3 in the morning.

Thanks and I love ya sweety.

Dear Poots,

I know that getting older must suck for a kitty. It sucks for us humans too. But please cut the crabby moods. 13 is not ancient and I know you are not in pain and you are healthy and well cared for. You are my baby boy and I’ve spoiled you over the years. Now stop with the hissing every time you don’t get your way or when Sam infringes on your petting time. Mom still loves you.

Dear Greta,

You are my perfect little girl and the sweetest little tiny kitty anyone could ask for. Except for one small request. COVER YOUR DARN POOPS! I guess I should be grateful that you and the other 2 go int he box all the time but I wish you would do the final act of covering!.
Love ya furface!

Mom

9

Dear HRH Princess Bridget,

I am so, so sorry that when you were a baby you accidentally got locked in my closet before everybody left for the day. I am sure it was terrible and horrible and I completely forgive you for pissing all over the clothes that had fallen down in there. How can I ever make it up to you? More important, how can I rewire your otherwise notably sharp little brain such that you don’t feel obligated to piss on any random wad of clean, loosely piled laundry, especially on the bed, the couch, or the nice rug? We have now got the removal-of-cat-piss-from-fabric thing down to a science, but cleaning the mattress or pillows or rug isn’t quite so easy. Please?

Love, the female human
Dear Oliver the Ocelot,

You are adorable, but you are really not that bright. Please try to keep that in mind next time you try to sneak up on your sister. She always sees you coming, and it’s embarrassing when Her Tiny Dainty Self kicks your big butt every time. Also, while we love the Ocelot Oscillations, in which you writhe and roll all over us in Hot Ocelot Passion, could we schedule them for the non-wee hours?

Love, Mommy
Dear Ben,

Daddy really really will come back. It will be a while, but he will. He’s going to be gone nine months, which I realize is much more than I can properly explain to you, seeing as how I don’t speak Sheltie very well yet. But he really will come back! And while he’s gone, I promise to try to do a good job of taking you to the beach, playing frisbee, playing soccer with the giant mutant tennis ball, and throwing Embarrassed Sheep for you to fetch whenever you bring him to me. You are the very best puppy in the whole entire world and universe and he REALLY will come back, I promise.

Love, Mom

10

Dear Mom,

Here’s something to think about: You try using a bathroom with eleven people who’s shit and piss you have to walk on (in your bare feet!!) before you can drop your own load. You think I enjoy doing this? Until you give me my own private box, then expect to find more Christmas presents on the floor. Speaking of which, I think Santa is coming in for another delivery. I trust you’ve laid down some fresh towels?

Love, The Giz.

Dear Hot Mama,

I’m handsome, eh? So glad you’ve noticed, baby. I’ve been checking you out too. That’s why I likes taking my time. I just looove rubbing against those fine legs of yours. Puuuuuurrrr. You know you push ALL my buttons, sexy lady. Let’s say me and you “slink” out on a date tonight. I know this little place around the corner. What do you say?

Your Lover, Moochie

Dear Mom,

I will give you a break as soon as you get rid of that bitch Zagnut. Which you’re never gonna do, since you love her more than you love me! Meooow! And you’re always taking her side! You never seem to see all the times she calls me names and chases me, but there you are when I’m getting my revenge. The other day Zagnut pushed my head into the kitty litter and held it there until I thought I was gonna die!! You can ask Gizmo, 'cuz he was there shitting on the floor while it happened. MEOOOWW!!! Zagnut die now!

Love, Uno

Let’s see, Mom. We have Gizmo, who breaks all the rules and gets away with it. We have Moochie, who sexually harrasses all of us girls whenever you’re not around. We have Uno, who I swear has some kind of Tourette’s disorder. And we all know Zagnut is a giant bitch. Did you hear what she did to Uno the other day? None of us like her. The others are okay, except for that idiot Cassie. She’s a total sell-out. Oh yeah, I hate Beastie Bear, Igore, and Queenie too. Just get rid of them all, please.

Your Favorite Cat, Pennie

Dear Mom,

MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!

Love, Bob

Der Mom,

I can haz fishs?

Luv, Igore

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry I been a bad kitty. I promise to be good and not piss you off no more.

Please don’t hit me!

Love, Buttons

Dear Mom,

It is clear that no one in the house likes me because they’re jealous. Just look at my hot body and my to-die-for face. I know you’re jealous too. The riffraff you keep in this house just don’t appreciate me. I try to help them. The other day I tried to give that fat hog Cassie a make-over. But did she appreciate it? No. She turned all “ghetto” on me and tried to scratch out my beautiful eyes. I guess I could have stooped down to her level and fought back, but I’ve always believed that a real lady doesn’t fight back. (Except when it comes to that dork Pennie. Ooh, I can’t stand that stank-ass whore!)

Moochie and I are going to run away from this place one day. He knows how to treat a lady, unlike those thugs Uno and Igore.

Smoochies, Zags

Dear Mom,

I am the destroyer of worlds. Bow down before the one you serve.

Best, The Beast

Dear Mom,

Where are you, Mom? I’m lonely. Will you play with me when you come back? Where you are anyway?

Love, Queenie

Dear Mom,

i wanna cookie. cookie cookie cookie. i wanna cookie. gimme gimme gimme.

Oh yeah, I hate Zagnut too. Bitch is going DOWN!

Love, Cassie

Dear Mom,

If this is the best you can do, then I guess I should be glad. But instead I’m just embarrassed for you.

Ignoring you for the rest of the day, Hannah

11

Dear Fiona,

Why can’t you give Stripe a break? He’s been pretty frightened ever since he moved in with us, and by scaring and threatening him, you’re not helping him any. We’d like him to join in the fun you and the others have when you play and romp, but you’ve scared him so much he looks like the sick kid who, sadly, just gets to watch the others play from his window. Be nice to him–I think you’ll find a good friend.

Dear Stripe,

It’s good to see you coming out from under the sofa bed more often, but trust me on this–you don’t have to run back under it if you see or hear Mama or me coming. We’re not going to hurt you. And I think that if you did come out more often, the others (even Fiona) would accept you as one of them. You could join in their play sessions and nap with them and just be one of the gang. You’re safe in our house, and you’re among friends. Why not get to know them better?

(Note: Stripe is the feral cat whom we brought inside–I wrote about it in this thread.)

12

:smiley: :stuck_out_tongue:

13

Dear Eddy,

Yes, yes I know just a month or so ago I thought it was cute when you would lick my face in the middle of the night, and purr like a jet engine about to take off. I even thought it was cute when you nibbled as you licked. But darling boy, you did it ONCE a night–and now you are up to every hour.

Yes, you’ve had some accelerated trips to the floor lately. Those will not stop until you restrict yourself to just ONE nightly session of under the covers with Mommy. Or else you may need to learn to fly :smiley:

Dear Wally,

THANK you for being slightly different from your litter mate. I do appreciate it that you are not a licker or a biter, however I do wish to bring to your attention that when you roll around on the dusty basement floor, your fur ends up–well–dusty. And since the basement is about a century older than you, all my sweeping does nothing.

While we are having this frank conversation, could you please leave the box with the Styrofoam peanuts alone and intact? It’s quite aggravating to come home from work to find that you’ve brought up and decapitated yet another peanut. You do realize we are trying to sell the house, right? So all of us need to do our part to keep things tidy. That means you need to leave the peanut box alone.

Dear Chloe,

I know you are still mad at me that I brought home two kittens, but please could you get over it already and come sleep with me at night? You are still the sweet kitty of my heart, and you will never be replaced.

14

I think I’m begining to see why all the cat ladies are crazy.

15

Dear Sapphire and Mere:

I know that you two have hay fever. I have it too. However, notice that I do NOT sneeze on you two to inform you of that fact. A little reciprococity would be appreciated.

Sapphire, while it’s adorable when you climb on top of me when I go to bed, if I get up to use the human litterbox, you don’t need to go through the whole bedtime routine again. Really. I’m too sleepy to pet you for 15 minutes before you settle down again and go to sleep.

Love,
Mama

16

Dear Bonkers,

I know you want to sleep with us, like Princess does, but you have some bad habits. You drool. You pump with claws. You purr very loudly, right next to our ears, and you chew hair. Why can’t you stop chasing Princess away and imitate her, then both of you could sleep on the bed with your humans instead of neither. Wouldn’t that be better?
Dear Mike,

I would love for you to sit in my lap, but please stop with the claw kneading. PLEASE! OW, OW, Owww.
Dear Princess,

Stop trying to get outdoors and into the basement. Mommy is very worried that you will sneak out or downstairs and not be rescued because you have such a teensy little ‘meow’.
Dear Emily,

Okay, not very dear. Listen, you psycho cat, you, hubby is not going to kill you. You’ve only lived with both of us for close to ten years and he’s never been anything but nice and patient, despite your horrid peeing on papers and in boxes habit. The least you could do is either stop pissing where I know you know you aren’t supposed to, or act a little nicer to the humans.

Dear Felix,

Stop using your claws to grab a passing human by the ankle when you feel ignored.
Dear McLendon,

I know you like to be petted, but the people have to stop sooner or later. Attempting to get more scritches by capturing the hand with claws is contra-indicated.
All righty, then, who wants a treat?

Love,

Mom

17

Dear Stanley,

You’re a great cat. I love the fact that we’ve only lived together a couple of months, yet you love me more than your real mommy. But there are some things you need to work on. First, you need to learn the difference between fingers and toes. Fingers are for scritches, toes are not. Please stop walking away from my hands when I pet you and scritching yourself on my toes. I think you’ll find that the finger scrtiching is infinitely more satisfying than the toe scritching, if you just give it half a chance. Also, I know that you love to help me with my homework because you really do care about my academic success. However, eating said homework is counter-productive. None of my professors are amused, even when I offer them photographic evidence of your homework eating proclivities. Please stop. This applies to books as well. If you really feel that you are not getting enough fiber in your diet, I’m sure we can switch your kitty chow, but please stop eating the paper.

Love,
Not-the-mama

18

Dear Honey,

Oh. You’ve done a turd. Like the ten minutes of scratching litter and the side of the box, as well as the unholy aroma wafting from the laundry wasn’t enough. You then also feel the need to announce your successful “bombs away” with a howl that sounds like someone’s stuck a cracker up your cracker followed by a mad scrabble-dash down the hall and into the computer room window.

It’s not going to jump up and try to crawl back up your ass, so stop that!

Also, the outside cats don’t fear you. No matter how much you howl in the window, hiss at the door and throw yourself at the screen door. In fact, I think they’re laughing at you.

Love,

The Food Bringer.

19

Dear Kitty K,

Can we play a game every now and then that is not “Bite the Finger”? It’s getting kinda old. I don’t expect you to take any interest in the jingly ball or fuzzy mouse once it stops moving - I know you too well for that now - but it would be nice to play a little.

Also, I like it when you climb on me and/or sniff my face. Would you like it if I dab a little fish oil on after dinner?

Nice kitty,
BoD

20

Dear Olive:

I love it when you snuggle into bed next to me. However, I also love sleeping in my underwear. I am not willing to sacrifice this for you, cute as you may be. Therefore this fascination with my breasts must stop. There probably are people out there who enjoy having their breasts pawed at by felines, but unfortunately for you, I am not one of them. Don’t make me put up a “misc romance” ad on craigslist in search of a new owner for your adorable self. There are scary people out there.

Love,
HazelNut