Back in 1990, I was a live-in nanny for a girl of 2.5 years. Her family consisted of an unstable and bickering set of parents, a half-brother from her father’s previous dalliance before her parent’s marriage and an aunt and uncle who loved her so much they wanted to adopt her. Her mom had kind of a job, selling water purifiers through an MLM called NSA; this did not prevent her from shopping their finances into the ground to the point of bouncing checks at the grocery store - forcing me to buy food for little girl and me with my meager $160 a week. Her dad had a company making video and cassette tapes, which he worked at for 12+ hours a day, every day. It wasn’t long after I moved in that I saw what a wreck the marriage was and then discovered they weren’t paying their house payment either. After 3.5 months, I quit and moved out. (The final straw was the parents’ watching porn with their friends in front of the little girl over my protests.) In that time, I’d taught the little girl the alphabet, written and signed in ASL and all the words to ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and the phrase “Cowabunga Dude!”. She was a delight to care for and I was really attached to her. I bought her clothes and shoes, hers were all outgrown but no one cared to replace them. The day I quit her mom got in a drunk-driving fender bender, which was unsurprising as she spent her non-shopping hours at the bar. When she called me from the bar for a ride, I told her I quit. I hung up on her string of obscenities. When the dad got home (at 8pm), I told him I was leaving. He shrugged it off, didn’t care and I left.
When I called the next day to speak with the hopefully sober mom, the phone was answered by the 9 year-old neighbor girl from mext door; mom was out shopping for a new car. I drove by the house once in awhile for a few months afterward (it was in the same area as the home of a friend of mine) and saw it listed for sale and then sold; I assumed they moved.
Once I found the internet, I started trying to locate the litte girl. Every once in a while I’d run her name through Google; today I found her. She’s a cheerleader at a small college her dad went to, there are lots of pictures and she looks very healthy and happy. I read some posts of hers on a guestbook for a friend who passed away and she’s a clever thing still.
Should I email her? It’s in her cheerleader and school paper contact info. Or should I leave it alone?
Personally, my opinion is no. She probably doesn’t remember you. If her life continued down the suck-worthy road it seems her parents were on, she may wonder why you didn’t do something to get her out of the situation. There’s probably not much you could do besides call Family Services, but since she’s still a kid she might just assume that you were an adult who abandoned her when things got rough.
As it happens, the day before I quit I called her aunt and gave her the scoop. I also gave her dates of the mother’s offenses (infidelity, drunk driving, etc.) and offered to testify if she and her husband wanted to pursue custody. Though we had discusssed it in the previous weeks, the aunt never called me after I moved out.
She may very well remember you, if only vaguely. But there’s also a chance her parents lied to her about why you left.
If you feel compelled, drop her a line, but make it clear you’re not trying to stage a reunion or anything. Just mention that you used to babysit her, were wondering what happened to her, and that it looks like she turned out just fine.
Oh, and I’ve run across a former babysitting charge online. I don’t plan on contacting her, but if I ever meet her in person it’ll be tough not to tell her she was a horrible, spiteful little brat of a kid.
I think it’s doubtful she would remember you (how much do you remember of when you were 2 years old?). What exactly is it that you want from her? If you wanted to satisfy your curiosity about how she turned out, I think you already have an answer of sorts.
I don’t think it would actually do any harm to email her, but there’s a better than even chance she won’t remember you and might even be a little creeped out. I think maybe you should just take some satisfaction in the fact that she’s healthy and apparently happy and leave it alone.
I’d love to hear stories about when I was two years old. I love to hear them now and always clamour for them. I was an enormously cute baby. I’d e-mail her, just a nice friendly note, and maybe she’ll want to hear too.
If I were here, I’d find the whole thing creepy. I know it’s not actually creepy but you keeping those pictures all of those years and then sending them to her could come off as weird. Be happy that she’s doing well and leave it alone.
Nawth Chucka - I didn’t say you didn’t do anything, I said she might think you didni’t do anything. My advice still stands - you were a brief encounter in a very young life. I would be sort of freaked out, in such a case.
They were in my photo album when I moved out and I don’t expunge (most) people from my albums when they’re not in my life anymore.
I’ve always enjoyed hearing stories about when I was little precisely because I don’t remember back that far. I doubt she’ll remember me personally, but that’s not important to me.
I’m trying not to sound defensive, so if I’m coming off that way I apologize. Overall, I’m just pleased to know she appears to be doing well in spite of her folks. That’s something I would always have wondered.
I wouldn’t start with that. Personally, maybe sign up for something that she posts to and mention it there. If she doesn’t remember you, or doesn’t want to, she’ll probably just ignore it, otherwise she’ll repsond. I’d do this, rather then email her. Kinda the way, you feel more comfortable being approched by someone while you’re with a group of friends rather then by yourself.
But I say, go for it. What’s the worst that can happen. She get’s creeped out, then you drop it, and everyone moves on with life.
Another thing though. If you do strike up a conversation, you might want to let her do the talking first. You don’t want to tell her all the reasons you left only to find out that her parents got their act cleaned three months later and she doesn’t remember any of that…for example.
Despite my vitriol for them, I have no intention of mentioning her folks messed up behavior, even if she asks. She was too young to understand and she’s still only 20; that’s for them to tell her if she doesn’t already know.
Quartz, how nice to see your au pair, how did you find her?
You were a nanny for 3.5 months at age 2.5? She doesn’t remember you at all. Be happy in the knowledge that she seems to have soldiered on.
10 years ago, just before moving to CA and meeting my wife, I dated the mother of 2-year-old twins for a summer. They were as cute as could be, and I’d be lying if I said I never Googled their names out of curiosity about them. But contact them? They have no idea who I am. Memories don’t fix themselves until nearly two years later. I’d just be this strange man who contacted them out of the blue. Creepy.
We never actually lost contact - that is, we knew where she was and she knew where we were - but she was in another country. So when she happenned to be in the U.K., she made the excuse to visit.
I still say I’d love to hear from some of the people in my childhood. My aunt tells me there was this young man named Monty who would come and babysit me a lot, and play with me, and entertain me. He loved me and I loved my uncle Monty. If he showed up in my life today, even though I have no memory of him, I’d love to see him. I bet he could tell me lots of stories of what a scamp I was.
My wife used to babysit a four-year-old, about 20 years ago. Let’s call her Annie. Annie had a tumultuous home life, and grew up with a somewhat troubled childhood. Two years ago, she turned up, quite by coincidence, at a party we were hosting. After about half an hour talking to my wife, they realized that they knew each other, and from where.
Annie, now a mother, was…well, overjoyed is too mild a word. She was downright ecstatic.
Turns out, Swampwitch was the one person Annie had good memories about. SW read to her, taught her, and was always willing to play how Annie wanted to play.
I’d say contact her. She may not remember you, but if she does, she’ll probably thank you for all you did for her, when her entire world was on the verge of upheaval.
And good on ya for what you did to help her long ago.