Boy the things the SDMB can get you into.
So here’s the story 25 years ago when I was a pretty young kid my mother was helping out this man who lived in our hometown. This man had a daughter that was my age and because his wife had died my mother would keep the two of us for him. Now understand this was a long time ago and I was pretty young so I don’t remember what her father did or what all the circumstances where behind this arrangement but those are the details that I can remember.
Now about this girl. Its been so long that I really can’t even remember exactly what she looked like, I just have this very vague memory of the most beautiful angelic little thing with dark brown hair. Whithout going into a lot of detail about how my feelings toward her came about and to be quite honest I am not sure that the passage of time hasn’t obscured that forever, suffice it to say that she was the very first person that I ever truly fell in love with. I have fallen in love exactly twice since then and I am confident that the feelings that I had for her at the time were genuine full fledged in your face love.
Now everything sounds fine up until this point except that she and her father moved away. That was twenty five or so years ago and I haven’t seen or heard from either of them since. I even remember where they used to live and I remember being real sad when the house was torn down. Amazingly enough I even know that nobody ever moved into that house when they left.
Now to fully understand how big of a deal this is or was to me let me point out a few things. This whole episode that I am laying before you now is the first time I have ever shared this with anybody. This has been my very best kept secret that has never been revealed. Another thing is that until recently not even I was aware of how profoundly this affected my whole life. I look back on some of the decisions that I have made in my life and even though I was totally unaware of it at the time I can see it just as clear as day now.
About 15 years ago I thought I might try and track this girl down so I asked my mother if she remembered keeping me and this girl. She said that she did but didn’t remember the girls name nor could she recall anything about this girls father or what he did or anything, so I just let the whole thing go and didn’t pursue it any further. By the way I did remember the girls first name but wasn’t sure if I remembered her last name. Then about 11 or 12 years ago I asked my mother again about this girl. This time I told her what I could remember in the hopes that she could fill in some of the blanks. It did jog her memory some and she made a couple of phone calls and found out what the girls last name was and she gave me a town that she thought they might have moved to. This was before the whole internet thing hit bigtime so I somehow got my hands on a phonebook or something but of course didn’t find a listing for anybody with the same last name as the girl I was looking for. When I called my mother again and asked her about it she told me that she thought that they were originally from another state that was far enough away from here that trying to track her down that way was totally impractical.
Now fast forward to last week. I read URL=www.board.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&thread=182190]this thread and since I was bored off my ass I thought well hmmm I wonder if I put this girls name in if anything will come up. Well to make another long story short it did and I managed to track down her father who is currently living within a couple of hours of here.
Now here is where I need some advice IYHO. I called her father last week. It kind of freaked me out when I called because when he answered the phone I was like Mr ______ this is ________ I know this is gonna sound crazy but do you have a daughter named _________ and did you guys used to live in _______ when he said yes it was the strangest feeling I have ever had. I mean this is like 25 years ago and here I am calling up out of the blue like that. Anyway I was so rattled that eventhough I talked to him for like 10 or 15 minutes I couldn’t even think of all the things that I wanted to ask him. He asked me for my phone # and said that he was spending this week with his daughter where she and her husband live. He did give me a brief rundown on what has happened with her since they left but because I was still in so much shock of actually having located him I didn’t even ask him alot of what I would kind of like to know. So the question I have for all of you is should I call this guy again? I mean he was really nice the first time I talked to him but then I keep thinking to myself if I call again will he think I am some kind of creep? Next thing I would like to know is if any women out there read this thread what would you think if you were in this girls situation? Has anything similar happened to anybody else here from either perspective? Any help or advice would be welcome.
By the way I forgot to mention when I was talking to her father he said that he would send me a picture of this well now woman and her children. Now I would like to see what she looks like now but I am tempted to call her father and ask him if he could scrounge around and find a picture from the time period of which I remember her. I do want to know what she looks like but I would like to get my memory of her straight before I go any further…if that makes any sense.
What is your reason for trying to contact her? You say you fell in love with her. But she’s married now, and she hasn’t seen you (or probably even thought about you) for years.
If you’re interested in pursuing her romantically, forget it. You will indeed look like a creep.
If you’re just interested in finding out what happened to her and/or striking up a friendship again, well, you’ve already accomplished the first part of that. Friendship? How much can you possibly have in common with her anymore? You could barely remember her name. I suppose you could make a brief call just to let her father know “Hey, if she’d like to get in touch with me, here’s my number.” Put the ball in her court. But even that might be a little creepy.
My first instinct either way, without more information about your motivations, is to say let it go.
I don’t understand the part about your mother “keeping” the two of you. Did the father abandon the daughter? Why would your mom “keep” you? I’m confused?
Valid question Scarlett67. I am not interested in trying to pursue anything romantic. As I pointed out earlier she is married and has been for several years now.
Its hard for me to explain what I am trying to do. I am not sure that I even know myself. This is such a surreal experience and one I am trying to wrap my mind around myself.
I guess if I had to put my finger on any one reason for trying to contact her this would be it. I am curious as to what others opinions of this particular aspect would be.
I meant keep as in her father worked and so my mother would keep us as in babysit if that is what you call taking care of kids. My mother didn’t work so she was available to watch us.
I’d say you should tread pretty carefully, especially because she has a family now.
I totally understand that this is an extreme voyage of curiosity for you. In more ways than one, because you can’t actually remember her name, or what she looked like, or anything, really, other than the memories that evoke these feelings inside of you. It’s easy to project what you’d most love to see on to such a blank slate.
Childhood friendship CAN work years on, but only if you’re realistic enough to take the fact she won’t want to be romantically involved. It sounds like you were very small when you knew each other, so I guess it’s not like a teenage relationship ‘revisited’.
It sounds like your mother didn’t want to give anything away. Would she really not remember this girl’s name, even when you asked her so many years ago? Why might she not think it’s a good idea for you to contact her, do you think?
Honestly, I would avoid initiating any further contact unless you hear from them. You gave him your phone number, he knows who you are and how to contact you, and is presumably giving that information to his daughter. She probably would feel a bit odd about the situation, considering she’s married with children and it has been 25 years. If either of them is interested in re-connecting with you for any reason, they will do it. If you pursue the relationship without any encouragement from them, again, you’d probably come off creepy.
For the record, I did have an old middle-school friend get in touch with me a couple years ago. We’d been good friends around age 11-13 (both female) and she emailed me out of the blue to say hello. It was a strange feeling & I felt rather bemused by the whole situation; we had coffee a few times & got on alright, but our lives were very different, so we’re “out of touch” again. I’d probably feel similarly bemused if it were a male friend from the same era who’d called me, although I would certainly question his motives (i.e., if he’s interested in friendship or if he’s looking for a more intimate relationship). Depending on the length of your friendship, this woman probably feels bemused or a little weirded-out if you only knew each other a very short time.
I think you read something into my statement that wasn’t there or at least intended to be there. No my mother had no motive to hide information from me. And I will take this time to clear something up. I did remember this girls first name and could remember her last name I just wasn’t sure if I had if right.
Sionach thanks for the reply.
This is interesting and kind of what I was wondering about. By the way everybody keeps throwing in the word “creepy” is that because I used it in the OP or is that just the normal reaction?
OOhhhh this is a tough one.
I’ll share what I recommend, not what I would do, because I would drive over there and stand at her front door, but I’m an idiot and do stupid stuff like that.
So, firstly are you married or involved?
If you are you will appear more genuine, because she will assume you are just feeling sentimental or going through a ‘trip down memory lane’ phase.
Secondly if she fell in love with you too and now she is married you may open up old feelings that she has tried to ignore for 25 years. It may cause problems in her marriage. You don’t know how happpy or unhappy her marriage is. Perhaps she could use you as an excuse to ‘get out’ of her marriage.
Thirdly, it could be the most amazing experience and you could end up the best of friends or more.
Fourthly, she may not remember you and that could really hurt.
Fifthly (now I’m just making up these numbers!!) She could fall for you, but you realise that the feelings are not there it was all in your head. Everything looks better in the past with things like this. She could get a little psycho etc.
I could go on for ages with scenarios but I don’t want to confuse you. Just be prepared for anything and take it as it comes.
Go with no expectations and you won’t be dissapointed.
But GO. Life is short, make each moment count (God I sound like Oprah). Do it, do it, do it.
I say leave it be. From your OP, it’s pretty clear that your interest is based on the strong romantic feelings you had for this girl. The fact that you’ve carried it around with you as a secret for so long has probably made the relationship seem more significant than it in fact was. If she is interested in contacting you, she will.
If you continue to pursue her now that the ball is in her court, you’re eventually going to have to explain that the reason for your persistence is that you’ve been carrying around your love for her as an unresolved secret for the past 25 years. That will almost certainly freak her out. More than freak her out, it might really scare her.
Calling once is fine – you happened to come across an old friend, and got in touch. Maybe she’ll call you back. Maybe she won’t – a lot of people aren’t interested in reconnecting with childhood friends. But let it go now.
If you push any more you will look like a weird stalker type guy. Give it 6 months or so, better yet, wait til Christmas, then you can make another call. Send the dad a Christmas Card to forward on to his daughter if you like.
Have you done any soul searching as to why you want to contact/see a picture of her so badly? I think you should examine your true motives first - then decide on an action.
She’s married now, has kids - Plus it’s been 25 years. I would say drop it as well. Unless they contact you. Even then I would be very careful.