I hope some one with experience and maturity can help me out in my decision.
for 22 years ago while in highschool, a girl fell in love with me. She really loved my. She intiated the contact and tald about her love to me. I first agree and we datet for a small period. Then one day she discloses her wish to marry me. My immature 17 years old mind freakde out. And b ythe end of the year ( last year) I just broke up in one single word. Later I regretted and tried to look her up without luck. recently I saw her in a mutual friends wedding. And happend to find out she is still not married and never dated anyone else. I do regret what i did in the past. I am married with kids. But something happened. I felt urged to get in touch with her. I never spoke to her at the marriage. But i do wish to aplogise for what i did many years ago. leaving all what happened behind.
We did keep looking at eachother at the marriage.
Shoudl i Get in touch with her? Or do you think it will just bring up old memories and bad thing?
I hope I can get some guidence from experienced peopl
Would you please elaborate on that. On the wedding she did give me smile and kept gazing at me in periods. btw she is a doc now. I do not wish to reconcile just let her now that i did not berake up due to anything to have to do with her, but its just I freaked out.
Now that she’s a woman around age 40, she should not need to have it explained to her that a 17-year-old would freak out at the idea of marriage. If she’s still fixating on a relationship that ended more than two decades ago (and she probably* isn’t*, but if she was) then that would mean there was something quite wrong with her that you’re not going to be able to help just by telling her it wasn’t her fault you broke up with her.
She was probably just smiling at you at the wedding because you were her high school sweetheart, not because she’s been pining after you for all these years.
You’re clearly intrigued by the thought of talking to her, and I kind of get the feeling that’s the real reason you want to contact her, not just to clear your conscience. But you’re a married man and I don’t see how it could be a good idea to even start down that road.
It’s far more likely that something bad would come from getting in contact with her than something good- and the bad thing could destroy your current life.
I mean that if you contact her, you’ll risk damaging your own marriage and family. Old feelings will certainly come back (it sounds like they already have in your case), and afterwards you will feel worse, not better. This is a very, very bad idea.
In situations like this, I find a good maxim is this: “If my wife and family knew what I was about to do, would they approve?”
Ok I get it. One thing I forgot to tell is that I was the one who breake off. It was not really a romance ( from my side) We did not do anything apart from just meeting a few times. I never loved her. She did most certainly. And fter seeing her at the wedding i get the feeling perhaps she still does ( maybe i am wrong). I somehow feel like i had a fault. Cant we just be friends. I am mature man now.
If the reason that she never married is because she was heartbroken over your rejection of a never-relationship, then she needs professional help, and not you rekindling the “friendship” (which she obviously thought was way more than that).
People can change dramatically in 20 years, and all you two have in common right now is some idealized high school memories.
I’ll go the other way. I see nothing wrong with just saying Hi. I mean, that was 20 years ago. If she’s still hanging on to you, then yes, there’s something wrong with her. But maybe you’ll get a friend out of it.
Don’t go into it with the least bit of romantic inclination, though. if you feel attracted to her at all, probably not a great idea. If you really just want to say sorry, why not? She’ll probably be a little embarrassed but I don’t think she’ll be angry.
If you find out she is still crazy about you, though, RUN.
yes. I merely metioned that to her on the wedding who she is. The big Q. is if she would like that me taking contact again. All I have tracked down is her email. hmm
Thanks Anaamika. In the past 20 years she never tried to contact me neither did I. I believe she is mature. She is a doctor now. But i dont think having feeling for someone means you are wrong. It does not mean she still is crazy. We never spoke on the wedding but yes she and I did have frequent eye contact
The question is what you are trying to get out of this. I contacted my ex not too long ago, to apologize for some things. To my surprise, he tried to get…well, let’s say it was pretty clear he would have been happy to sleep with me again. He had a wife and a baby! But I went into the contact clear-eyed. I just wanted to apologize and smooth over some rocky terrain, and once that was done, that was enough. I never met him in person and I was never interested to.
The reason why people are so strongly against you meeting her is that you sound like you are attracted to her. Well, you’re married. You have kids. And if she is still attracted to you, then that’s pretty much a recipe for trouble.
I’m afraid to say that if you are nursing a flame for someone for 20 years that you don’t even know, then, indeed, it’s not a healthy thing. I mean, what are you in love with? Some idealized notion of the person that doesn’t even exist. Now if you and her can both just be FRIENDS, sure, go ahead and contact her. But if you think there is potential attraction, you’d better stop and ask yourself why you are contacting her. Are you bored in your marriage, unhappy? Shouldn’t you try to fix it? Looking for excitement? Make your marriage more exciting. Etc.
I think you’re deluding yourself, if you think the only reason you want to reconnect with her is to apologize for your role in a onesided teenage romance from 22 yrs ago.
That may be what you’re telling yourself, but if you’re still thinking this has some importance, to either of your lives, all these years later, I don’t believe you’re being fully honest with yourself, sorry.
If this is still an open wound for her, (having been badly broken up with by a 17yr old male, 22yrs ago), as an adult professional, then you should be avoiding her because she clearly has issues. If it’s still eating you up inside, that you once behaved badly as a 17yr old, then you have an issue that you should address instead of seeking out this woman.
If she was making eyes at you, hasn’t dated, never married, and still carries a torch for you, then what good can come of you engaging with her? Unless you’re prepared to walk away from your marriage/family, then it seems she’s likely to get hurt by you, again. Does your ego really need a boost that badly?
Do her a favor and deal with your own issues and leave her be. Just my opinion.
Ohh god. Maybe i formulated a bit wrong. I do not intend to meet her. I do not to go any path with her. I do not feel anything for her. I just want to say hello apologise and getout asap.
Then I say, go ahead. I know other people say otherwise, but I can see this going two ways:
She is still hurting and angry and doesn’t forgive you. Well, you tried, and you can’t get hung up on people like this. Walk, no, RUN, away.
She doesn’t even remember or thinks it’s silly and is embarrassed. For a moment you two share the sheer embarrassment of being 17. You laugh, and you both go on your way.
OR
She even becomes friends, with you and your wife. Maybe you see her around more often.