Long lost love

In My Humble Opinion
1

Recently I have reconnected with an old love. From 37 years ago. On facebook. She’s forgiven me for having sex with her best friend and one other person in a threesome that her best friend decided to tell her about.

We were engaged at the time.

I was 23 years old and a virgin.

After the episode I was still technically a virgin.

She was saving herself for me, but after she dumped me, she went on birth control, got laid and invited me over to make love to her during which I was informed that she had experience.

I had premature ejaculation. Only time in my life.

A year later, she visited me, aggressively attempted to have sex with me only to result in a somewhat less than satisfactory sexual encounter. A semi was the best that I could muster.

Each time I was hoping that my one indescretion could be put behind us. Each time I felt I was being punished.

Each time she made herself unavailable afterwards.

She was a nine and I was a six. Not just for her looks. She was fun, she had sparkling eyes and when she opened her mouth everything made sense.

Losing her was devastating.

Now she tells me that she regrets dumping me.

I’ve seen her pictures, she’s grossly obese.

she tells me she’s unable to love her husband like she loved me.

Guess what, I understand that. I’m the same way.

Truth is, my wife has successfully reduced her weight, looks really good, doesn’t want to have sex with me any more, but tells me she loves me at least twice a day. I want to have sex with her, but she represents my life, the mother of my children and I’m not going to throw it away. I can live without sex.

But here I am secretly reliving my old love with my old lover and it is extremely precious to me at the moment. I would never want to reconnect physically but…

I’m confused.

I don’t even know what exactly I want to ask.

Comments are appreciated.

2

Ah, Facebook. New-fangled destroyer of marriages everywhere. I’d say don’t do it, but you’re ultimately going to do what you want, so I’ll just say good luck.

3

I can’t tell you anything, either Dutch, mainly because I was where you are now about 10 years ago. Best of luck in finding happiness in your life, it doesn’t sound like you’ve got much of it right now.

4

well maybe you can tell me what is next or what could be next for me. My life was good enough for me until this contact, and I’d like to know what to expect or how I need to handle this situation.

5

It’s pretty simple, really. If you want to stay married to your wife, then commit to it, stop talking to old love interests, and start talking to your wife. If you don’t want to stay married to your wife, then leave her. What you do with old love interests after that is your own business, and doesn’t hurt anyone else. Simple!

6

In short, I concur with Alice. Take some time and get clear in your head what you want. Trust me, I know that’s easier said than done when you’re in this situation, but that’s what you’ve gotta do.

It took some seven years for me to go from where you are to moving out and seeking the happiness that I was not finding with my now-ex-wife.

If you’d like more personal advice, feel free to PM me. I think my email address is in my profile as well.

7

Don’t go there.

8

Drop Facebook and all other social networks like so many hot rocks. Stay where you are and use your old loves as fantasy objects, if you must. Don’t contact 'em in real life; I doubt anything good would ever come of it.

9

I appreciate your offer.

The thing is that I am reticent about going into another “secret” communication.

10

I’m confused on two points–you imply that your love for the ex was above all else to this day. And yet, you cheated on her. Are you sure you loved her that much, or are you perhaps romanticzing the past?

Also, the ex is obese now. Are you still attracted to her, or are you just nostalgic?

It sounds to me like the arrangement with your current wife needs changing. If she’s not going to provide you with sex, maybe you need to open the marriage up (or get started on fixing whatever it is that’s turning her off). Frankly, I’m wondering if this hasn’t already happened–if she’s happy and not putting out with you, she may be putting out elsewhere.

11

LOL. Good point. I’m sure others will give better than I could anyway.

12

Of course I’m romanticizing the past. Our love was intense. On my part for sure. Yes I cheated on her. It had nothing to do with love. It had everything to do with an immature perception about what a young man should have experienced before he commits all to his future bride. It had nothing to do with horniness either. Like Bill Clinton. Why did I do it ? Because I could. That statement resonated with me.

Obviously it had nothing to do with sex. But I had always thought of her as extremely sexy. Yes she isn’t now, and I don’t feel anything sexual for her, yet I still feel an extreme attraction. This is very puzzling for me, and if I could understand that, I might understand why my wife still wants me if only in non sexual ways.

Trust me, She isn’t putting it out elsewhere. She assures me she isn’t even mastubating. But you know what ? Once or twice a year, maybe three times a year I get to break through and she just goes all nuts into paroxysms of orgasms that would suggest an experience far superior to any precious orgasm that I ever experienced.

The point is that I believe my wife is satisfied with me and doesn’t need anymore.

I’d like more, something about sex represents love and intimacy to me.

All this was emotionally manageable untill my ex contacted me. Intense feelings reawakened feel real good.

How long can I play with this. It isn’t playing, its very real. Its very risky. It feels good in a way. But my wife just can’t be made aware of what I’m going through. That doesn’t seem right somehow. And my wife is the one I want beside me when the dust clears.

13

I think reconnecting with this woman on FB brought to the surface feelings of dissatisfaction that you would not acknowledge until now. They’ve been there for a while, but this flash of excitement of revisiting the past and reconnecting with an old flame has made those feelings of dissatisfaction come boiling to the surface.

And this is how it starts. You see someone else in front of you, you feel an attraction, you turn around and there is your spouse. You love your spouse and want to reach out your hand to her, to pull her toward you, but she won’t budge. She won’t give you everything you feel you need to have a complete relationship. You turn back around and there is this other person, this future unknown, but sometimes the potential hope of an unknown overcomes the dashed hope of a known.

I was you, but a woman, married to a man who had messed himself up so much with excessive drinking and an eating/digestive disorder that while he expressed a desire to have sex with me, he rarely acted on it. And I wanted more. There’s more to that story, but the bottom line is, the lack of sex hurt and the need to be loved and held grew and grew until I could barely stand it. As I said, there’s more to the story, and I didn’t leave for that reason only, but it was one of the reasons. But we didn’t have kids and what we did have seemed to be crumbling around us. I walked out and was alone, though–there was no one to catch me, and I had to rebuild a life of my own and am still alone after six years. Also–happier.

This is quite a trend right now, this finding your past love on Facebook and rushing toward him/her. I’ve known of two marriages in just my circle of acquaintances that have been ruined by it. One relationship didn’t work out; the other is working as far as I know.

But those butterflies–that excitement you feel when recalling former passion? That won’t last.

14

I dont understand the confusion.

If somebody is not getting what they want at home, then they go elsewhere to get it. I am sure your wife is quite aware of this old old truism, and your wife is apparently facilitating you to go get it elsewhere.

15

If it’s anything like experiences I’ve had in the past, the attraction is a fantasy to return to a more optimistic and innocent time, and she personifies that. You’re especially vulnerable because, like a lot of us over 50, you realize that your life isn’t exactly how you planned and sometimes you wonder what would have happened if you had taken a different fork in the road rather than one you did take. You can get past the obsession if you repeatedly remind yourself that it’s exactly that – a fantasy. No, you can’t go back – and it probably wasn’t as great as you’ve inflated it anyway.

Again, this is just my experience.

16

And yet… few have found the ability to flip the switch and turn this off. He’s in that state of mind very few escape from, even with people working to help him.

Maybe this will help. Odds are it won’t, and we’ll have the ugly and awkward moments that are likely to come.

Oh, they’ll be ugly, and they’ll be awkward, and he’ll eventually say, “Why didn’t one of you just drive here and slap me?”

17

That’s what I think as well. You don’t actually know her any more–you’re attracted to a fantasy. Online communication feeds the fantasy without including much of the reality–that she is older too, and almost certainly a very different person than the one you remember.

My advice would be to cut off communication with her and work on your relationship with your wife. If you’re not happy with your wife, then either try to improve it or leave before you get yourself into a messy online affair. Personally I vote for putting your efforts into communicating with your wife about how unhappy you are.

18

I’ve made FB connections with several women that I had had crushes on in school. (We graduated in 1982.) From their pics, some are hot, some have gained some weight, others have gained a lot of weight and/or are really sun-damaged and really show their age plus some.

But if any of them told me that they’d had a crush on me, were going to leave their husbands/SOs, and come visit me so we could make mad, passionate love, I’d say, “pass.”

My family (wife and daughter) is more important than any sexual tryst I might have. Yes, sex is great, but it’s not that great.

19

Oh, you know you just wanted to bang him and leave him hanging.

Seriously - I don’t get the feeling at all that you’re feeling a specific way about this actual person - I think you’re fantasizing about “something else”. If you’re having problems with your wife (and it sounds like you are) then you need to either get out of that marriage OR do something about it. See a counselor, maybe. You’re obviously not happy, and you look like you’re thinking about doing something destructive because of it.

This isn’t a reaction to this woman. This is a reaction to the rest of your life.

20

I don’t think that they just contact you out of the blue and say “wanna fuck?” It starts out as a perfectly innocent email, contacting an old friend, just to say hi. Then you feel that you have a “spark”, that she “understands you” in a way that your wife never has, and then comes the ol’ “She’s my soulmate and we’re meant to be together forever” stuff. It’s a gradual buildup and buy-into of a fantasy. Many, many people have fallen into it, I’ve been hearing, thanks very much to Facebook.