#1) Your wife and you need to work on fixing your marriage. Sex is an integral part of a healthy marriage. It’s as unreasonable to constantly withhold sex as it is to demand it nightly. You need to communicate to your wife that her frigidity is harming your marriage. If she cannot be intimate with you, then that’s a deal breaker, IMO. You shouldn’t be expected to live in a sexless marriage because it makes you feel REJECTED.
#2) It’s very common to seek out people from your past because it’s a bit like reliving your youth from someone else’s perspective. This can be wholly innocent or it can be lead to other things. I can’t help but thinking that you’d not be feeling the least bit interested in the “long lost love” if you currently enjoyed a healthy, satisfying marriage. And therein lies the problem. See #1.
Here’s the rub. Guys don’t talk about it much, but it seems to come up often enough in men conversation that their marriage lead to a dearth of sex. sometimes in serious rare one on one conversation or as a running joke. A comedian seems to get a lot of “knowing” laughs when joking about how they got more sex before marriage then afterwards. I accept that as a reality for a significant percentage of marriages and that my wife still loves me even though she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I don’t understand it but then I’ve never understood women.
Sex has nothing to do with my recent facebook connection dilemna. That much is clear. But I am reliving the intense emotion that I felt for my first true love and yes it is intoxicating. It is also clear to me that we both know we have too much to lose by abandoning our families. It helps to know that she won’t leave her family for me. I can’t help it I truly can’t. I’m a blithering idiot.
Has she said why? Does she not want to have sex with anybody, or just with you? Did you or she gain a bunch of weight? Is she willing to talk about it or does she just freeze you out? Would she be willing to see a professional with you?
She doesn’t even masturbate. She has no interest in sex. Actually she’s lost a lot of weight and been on a self improvement program for a couple of years. She’s into health stuff pretty heavy. Trust me, a guy knows if his wife is looking or even thinking elsewhere.
Funny thing is that when we do have sex, she’s a dynamo.
She tells me that she’s working on the problem with our doctor, she does have mild incontinence problems and gone for several operations and suggests that might be part of the problem.
I’ve been married 21 years and I’d feel horribly rejected if my spouse showed no interest in sex. It would seriously undermine my self-esteem and our marriage. It’s not the physical act itself that I’d miss as much as the intimacy.
Having sex is one of the key differences between a spouse and a friend. You shouldn’t be expected to live chastely. And nor should she!
You are emotionally cheating on your wife, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing given that she won’t have sex with you more than a few times a year. You might not be as compelled to cheat emotionally if all of your needs were being fulfilled by one woman–your wife. Since they are not being met, you have a few options:
Open up the marriage so you can get your sex. (I advocate this option but it is strongly dependent on what your wife will “allow”)
Cheat. (I do not advocate this if it will make you feel guilty, but I do if you can be perfectly discreet. Cheating frequently ends badly)
Divorce. (I advocate this option if your wife is not amenable to opening up the marriage)
Abstaining from sex with one’s husband while simultaneously demanding one’s husband abstain from sex with anybody is monstrous! It is not the action of a partner who cares about your needs, and I think you’re really minimizing this aspect of your marriage. You went into the marriage with a reasonable expectation of sex and your wife isn’t holding up this end of the bargain whatsoever. She’s controlling you, even if she doesn’t mean to. It’s NOT cool.
I don’t see your ex being a factor in anything except as a stepping stone to increase your bravery and confidence that you can “get away” with cheating. She can’t physically fulfill your needs as you’re apparently not attracted to her anymore. Do what you need to to break that off, she is just a distraction. If you do decide to cheat on your wife, do it with someone local to whom you’re attracted, and who will remain as discreet as you are. Or pay a sex worker for the service. And please use protection so as not to expose your wife to disease without her consent.
Above all your marriage needs some serious sex counseling, if you want to preserve it. I do not think your current situation is tenable; you’re fooling yourself if you think this will keep going on.
I have been there. I have given up a relationship for an online infatuation because I “fell in love” with the words on the screen. Those words and the person I created in mind – who was far from the person that actually existed – turned into a living hell.
All this has done is amplify the problems in your physical relationship (physical vs. virtual). You are romanticizing “what was” and “what could be” but it will never be that.
Either concentrate on what you have – for better or worse – or leave your marriage. Don’t do this to your wife. You need to find out why your wife stopped having sex.
Here’s what is interesting. I have no desire to have sex with anyone else but my wife. I desire her night after night. It is true that I could be persuaded to have sex with another woman, but that doesn’t seem likely to happen anymore.
And as someone mentioned earlier I see it is difficult to experience intimacy without sex especially when you are wondering why sex is being witheld. Yet as in the case of this 2000 mile facebook resurrection of love, the intimacy can be intense without sex.
Well, first you contradict yourself but I have news for you, buddy. You are so WRONG about your wife not masturbating or nothing thinking about sex.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
She might not do it often, but I absolutely guarantee 100% that your wife IS thinking about sex and might possibly be looking. She might not be acting on it but she is definitely NOT the a-sexual creature you think she is.
In her defense it’s possibly a medical problem but really she should tell you exactly what the problem is not just suggest. If she’s uncomfortable with talking about it maybe she’ll giver her doctor permission to talk to you.
