-It never exposed itself “accidentally” while climbing out of a limo this year
-It always makes sure there are no floaters left in the bowl
-Tastes better than Bacon Salt on hamburgers
-No mention of Ann Coulter anywhere
-It pays its writers sufficiently for Internet downloads
-Smells vaguely of gasoline
-Unites Red and Blue America without constantly talking about how it unites Red and Blue America
-It decided to drop it’s lawsuit against Imus
-It gave my dog a bath last night
-After it farts, it cracks a window and uses its hanky to fan the odor out
-It removed all accusations of trolling without even being asked
-It speaks highly of most mods, without coming off as a major kiss-ass
-Is totally cool with you having lunch with your college girlfriend twice a month
-It remembered to get more ice for the cooler.
-No Christmas music until Friday
-Nice cunnilingus
-It did not question the very existence of Cecil Adams.
-It started out in the right SDMB forum.
-It did not mention Duran Duran’s “Rio.”
-It’s 5:45pm on the day before Thanksgiving, and he’s still at the office.
-No smilies.
-
When it says it will be there at 5, it is. Not at 5:15, or 6, but 5.
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It is without smileys
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It doesn’t take your last beer, in fact it usually brings it’s own when it drops in.
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It is fabulous cook.
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It has never bragged to you about the cheerleader it bagged under the bleachers right in the middle of the homecoming game.
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It does NOT watch Dancing with the Stars
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It is 99 44/00ths percent pure.
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It has a really cute sister that completely likes me, not you.
It has chocolate-chip cookies and it shares.
- It has nothing to do with Uri Geller
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It is considerate enough to change the toilet paper and hangs it correctly.
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It remembered to bring an appropriate wine.
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It didn’t answer its cell phone while it was talking to me.
Robin
–It helps little old ladies across the street.
–It brings its own bags to the grocery store.
–It has been fighting ignorance since way before 1973.
-It has not contributed to the commercialization of the holidays.
-It contains no fruitcake.
-It’s opened its home so that we can get together with our friends.
-It’s fireproof. Maybe not flameproof, but fireproof.
-It thinks outside the box.
-It’s 100 percent trans-fat free.
-It’s crazysexycool.
-It has never called me at 2 am and asked me to come over.
-It has “good hair”.
-It has a good beat, and I can dance to it.
It gave out the best candy on Halloween
It spayed and neutered all its pets.
It sponsored someone’s SDMB subscription.
It returned your lost wallet with all the cash accounted for.
It shoveled your driveway in the blizzard of '06.
It came to your daughter’s goldfish funeral in the back yard… and brought tissues.
It came back, and it brought pie!
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It has never been to any submarine geological formations ever, not even for any length of time.
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Its totally harmless.
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And it doesn’t recognise salutatory responses to any mineraloids.
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It has a low carbon footprint.
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It took out the garbage without being asked.
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It showed up with pizza when I didn’t feel like cooking.
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It tutors kids after school.
It either:
A) Wipes its shoes on the mat before entering a shoe-wearing household
OR
B) Removes its shoes upon entering a non-shoe-wearing household
AND
It’s smart enough to be able to tell when to do which!
- It contains no carcinogens
- It can be viewed in the ultraviolet spectrum
- It knows all the words and so doesn’t have to hum along
It has turkey and it has veggie dishes.
That filling is just yummy and I can have some more.
It doesn’t have adverse health effects, and may lead to laughter.
It’s noninflammable.
It contains less than 1/2 % alcohol by volume.
It doesn’t suffer from wardrobe malfunctions - it flaunts them.
- I’m not reading it at work.