In a number of threads I’ve seen people bemoan their lack of social skills and the difficulty inherent in improving them. I’ve been checking out websites of therapists (for my husband’s depression) and I’ve seen quite a few of the therapists and counseling centers offer “social skills counseling/training.”
At first, I thought it was for children, but it appears to be equally geared toward adults who feel they are lacking in the social skills department.
That strikes me as a neat idea for those who feel awkward or unskilled.
I’m probably the last person on the planet to learn about this, huh?
I’ll guess that “social skills training” (which is a great idea, don’t get me wrong, “Hey, I’m not doing psychotherapy diagnosis, treatment, or any of those highly regulated activities–I’m doing developmental, lifestyle, and training!”
I wonder if “social skills training” is about teaching people how to pick up on social cues. There are a couple of people at work who DO NOT get the cues that say, “I’m done talking to you now and I have to go back to doing my job.” Turning my back on them, focusing on the computer, and not responding to what they’re saying does not sink in.
My husband does not have the social skill involved in give-and-take in a conversation. If he has a thought to be expressed, he will ramrod his way through the conversation, cutting others off in mid-sentence, hijacking the topic, whatever.
That’s exactly what it is. Body language, both your own and others’: tone of voice, gestures, when to interrupt, when not to interrupt, and above all perceiving the other person and what they’re doing.
You can think of it as Toastmasters for non-verbal communications, but of course counselors who deal with people who have other problems should also know of it. I believe that there’s a critical time during high school when some people could really benefit from it.
I am reminded of dancing masters back in the Dayes of Olde (when there were a lot more Es to go around, to paraphrase Pterry) and, more recently, of charm schools, which were apparently only for girls. I guess that boys were expected to just knock heads together to get their point across.
It seems like some kind of closely-guarded secret that you can actually learn social skills, and how to be not exactly as you were raised. You don’t have to go from a wallflower to a social butterfly, but people have somehow along the line gotten the idea that if you’re quiet, shy, awkward, whatever, that you’re doomed to be that way the rest of your life. Uh-uh, I say. Part of what you are is your innate characteristics, and part is what you’ve learned to do along the way.
True, but there’s also a chicken-and-egg situation going. If you don’t know that the possibility of something exists, you can’t ask for it and seriously hope to get it.
For example, I never know that orthodontics was possible for people out of their teens. If I had known, I would have figured out a way to get it decades ago.
Ooh, maybe this training will tell me when women who say ‘no’ actually mean ‘yes’. That would be useful, even if only as evidence of lack of intent at a later trial.
Or, for for us to be able to tell which man’s a threat - and who’s just socially inept.
Because it can be *really *hard to tell the difference. With huge consequences.
This isn’t meant as snark, but this thread was neat when it was *people *wanting to interact with people, instead of the same old men vs women thing.
I, for one, have as much trouble understanding other women, as well as men. There are a thousand reasons to misunderstand each other, gender is only one of them.
That web page has what seems to me a blatant contradiction:
This doesn’t sound very “precise” to me. I think a better term would be “outcast.” This distinguishes between someone who is just shy from someone who is really unhappy because they are “socially inept,” and would like more social contact.
That said, if someone lacks this “intelligence,” how would they know they should go to a counselor? It’s not like there are commercials on TV asking you, “Have you ever thought that maybe YOU lack social intelligence? Well, then come on down to Dr. Putnam’s office, and we’ll take care of you!”
I seriously doubt that any amount of “social skills training” is ever going to stop me bolting like a scaredy Wolf when really big occasions come up into view on the calendar. I can listen to people and communicate just fine. Getting over the fear of being socially out of my depth and in over my head is just going to have to be something I work on for myself.
There’s a great chapter in If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Then Kill Him by Sheldon Kopp that covers that exact thing.
When you’ve done all the therapy and chemical mood balancing and personal growth you can, there you are - the same basic human being as when you started. Hopefully, you also understand that this is how most humans feel and you can get on with things as best you can.
I’m certainly not knocking these courses - every bit of help would be gratefully received.
I could probably use this, if I ever decided that it was worth trying to get involved with anyone again. With the exception of my marriage, which I still haven’t figured out, I’ve never done well with meeting people and relationships. I always manage to screw things up, and I just don’t know if it’s worth bothering to try any more.
Or to know when women who say “no” mean “no” and when women who say “yes” mean “yes” or even “whadahellareyouwaitingforyoumoron”. maggenpye, methinks Jim was making a very bad joke about those guys whose excuse for abuse/rape was “but she wanted it!” Very bad because sadly there’s too many of those around, some of them judges.
My mother does the “express any thought instantly” thing, but only with me. So in her case I know it’s not lack of social skills, just lack of respect for her daughter. Sometimes I tell her to cut it out and she stops doing it for a few days.
There’s a place near me that offers coaching on speaking, from business to personal relationships, from speeches to accent reduction. Here is their site. Looks like they even do some body language work.
It has been fairly standard to do this sort of training with people with schizophrenia, mental retardation, and autism, helping them to learn social conventions by observing other people and practicing. For example, how do you know how close to stand to another person? In the US, if you shake hands with a person and then drop hands, you’re at about the right distance.
Oh, it’s not just that people have subconsciously picked up that idea somehow. I’ve had psychologists straight-up tell me that in almost those exact words!
I’m living proof that you can change. I was always shy around new people until one day a light went on in my head that said “Hey, that guy/girl is probably just as nervous around new people as you are! Why don’t you make him/her more comfortable?” I stopped concentrating on how nervous and shy I felt, and and more on drawing the other person out and making them feel comfortable, and hey, the shyness went almost completely away!
