Let’s say Warren Buffett runs over you in his Hummer, leaving you paralyzed from the waist down. Being a mensch, he forks up enough money to keep comfortable for the rest of your life, both in terms of providing a comfortable upper-middle class lifestyle and paying for even extraordinary medical bills.
Nobly, you tell your spouse she or he needn’t stay, as this is not what he or she signed up for. Just as nobly, your SO decides for better or for worse isn’t just a Canadian comic striip.
Do you give your spouse permission to take other lovers? Why or why not?
Also, if the situation were reversed, would you want permission to be with other lovers?
I like to think I’d be magnanimous enough to give her permission, but I’m afraid I’d be singing *Ruby Don’t Take Your Love To Town * if it actually happened.
I’d probably let her do it (I’m not married, just have a gf), but I’d be more comfortable with her doing one-night stands than her developing some relationship with another guy. Do we have a prenup?
No, I’ have to say I wouldn’t. One, I don’t think that quadraplegia and sex are mutually exclusive. Secondly, I just wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m just not that big a person. Leave me and let me figure things out for myself if a “normal” sex life is that important to you, but don’t expect me to sit back blithely while you carry on with someone else. After all, I have the same needs and theoretically would be doing without them too. (Barring the truth of point one, that is)
I would let me wife have sex with other men right now if she were interested, so I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I were unable to perform. I doubt she would let me have sex with other women under any circumstances. She is afraid that one of them will steal me away. I have assured her that after being married to her I don’t ever want to be with anyone else, but she doesn’t believe me. I am quite capable of having sex without any emotional attachment. In fact, that describes the first ten years of my sexual experience.
WTF? Show me where the guarantees are in a marriage & in life! Whether it be health, financial, or whatnot - tough times are just that and I really am getting sick of people who no longer make an effort because it’s not “easy” anymore. Good lord, doesnt anyone’s word mean anything anymore?*
Would I want my spouse to take a lover if I am unable to satisfy his needs? No. And that’s the honest truth. Would I UNDERSTAND if he occassionally needed to fulfill this human desire? Yes, I would. I’d rather not know about it and I’d rather it be one night stands. I would not accuse him of having affairs and I would most likely have a bit of self denial and lots of ignorance stored up.
Guess I’m not so noble since I would never tell my spouse he neednt stay, I would merely tell him that he is the only one who can make that choice - but the suggestion would not cross my mind, or my mouth.
I can honestly say that I would most likely feel abondaned if he left because I would never give him my blessing to do so.
*of course, I understand there are situations that would warrant just cause for a divorce
I wouldn’t. The quadraplegia would be bad enough without having an unfaithful wife.
Not to mention, mr. sexinupyourwoman getting any ideas. “Let’s see-this guy is handicapped and I’m banging his wife…what more can I get from him? What more CAN"T I get from him? What can he do about it, tell his wife?” I see a quick ride down some stairs, or maybe a hunting accident for me, if I were such a dolt.
I think if I were not able to provide sexual satisfaction – and that is not certain for all quads, AFAIK – I could not object if my completely hypothetical hubby was interested in a lover who was less . . . still. But if our joint decision was that he could get a need met outside the marriage that I could not meet within the marriage, I would not consider that “infidelity” or “unfaithfulness.”
Absolutely I would. If he was noble enough to stick around and take care of all my needs, I can’t begrudge him getting the one need I am no longer able to take care of for him from someone else.
Well, yeah, in all fairness I probably would. But I think I would worry a great deal about him forming emotionally meaningful attachments to his partners, risking his commitment to our marriage.
I wouldn’t care about the physical infidelity. My biggest concern off the top of my head would be for the third person. While I know open marriage that have worked, I’ve also seen a lot of drama and misunderstanding.
I’d have Cranky’s concern about emotional involvment of my spouse as well, but at least I have some understanding of and communication with him.
and just to add, if my injuries were considered permanent and if my sexual function was reduced to nothing or nearly nothing I would probably see about being castrated. Why would I want the hassle of sexual desire if I couldn’t do anything about it?
See, my definition of infidelity is not “thou shalt not stick your groiny bits into the groiny bits or mouth of someone other than me.” I’d be perfectly happy with an arrangement similar to what WhyNot has if it was what happened to work for us.
I did break up with a bf over infidelity but not because he was sleeping with others… it was because he was not taking any care to protect his health, therefore mine and those of the children he kept saying he wanted me to bear for him, and because there is a difference between “having lovers, with proper hygienic care”; “getting relief elsewhere, again with proper care, if I’m unavailable for months” (both acceptable for me) and “having one-night stands with anything that stays still long enough, every single time I work late, without a rubber and while making no effort to please me in bed.”
If I’m unable to have sex with him for an extended period, as would be the case here, I don’t expect any SO of mine to chop his dick off, not any more than I expect him to stop noticing good legs just because mine aren’t. I would still want him to take care of his health while doing so (hey, I’m selfish and want him around!) and if things get to a point where he’s getting heavily involved with a specific person I’d like to know through him and not through a letter from a Family Judge.
