Let’s say you have a friend, Erica, whom you’ve known ten years or so and consider among your closest amigos. Erica is married to Geoff, whom you like well enough but aren’t especially close to; he’s more of a friend in law. They’ve been married for five years, and to hear Erica they’re happily married–or at least were, until half a year ago.
What changed? Glad you asked. Six months previous, Geoff was in a bad automobile accident that left him a quadriplegic and in need of a great deal of nursing care. The good news is that this doesn’t put a financial strain of Geoff & Erica; Geoff has more money than Croesus. The bad news is that Erica is having a hard time dealing with it. The man she married, she told you, was vital, strong, active, and exciting–not a wheelchair-bound cripple. She’s still young, she tells you; she wants to travel the world as they planned before their married, seeing the sights, trying new and exciting vistas, and having adventures. Thus she plans to file for divorce. She won’t be seeking spousal support, as she is still working; she just wants to be gone.
Does hearing all this from Erica change your opinion of her? If so, will it keep you from maintaining the friendship?
I knew somebody would say something like that. I’m not convinced that you’d have known about Erica’s … attitude beforehand. My best friend doesn’t know everything about me, and vice versa. Hell, I don’t know everything about myself.
I’ve been married to someone with a disability. It’s not a sign of my generous heart and soul or whatever that it was worth it to me. It was just a sign that it was worth it to me.
And I respect that. The question, though, is whether Erica’s behavior would be sufficiently disturbing to you to wreck the friendship.
Surely there must be something a friend could reveal about herself that, at least in theory, would ruin the relationships. I’ve cooled on friends because of racism. I wouldn’t be friends with a guy who thought it was okay to beat his wife. By contrast, I have friends who are Pentecostal Christians, even though (as many of my posts may make clear) I have zero respect for that branch of the faith.
I’m not asking if Erica has the right to act and/or feel as she does. I’m asking if you could continue respecting and liking Erica after this revelation.
I would like to think I would not leave my wife if she had such an accident. However, I would not judge too harshly, or break off a friendship, with someone who couldn’t handle it. People get divorced for all kinds of reasons, (many that don’t make sense to me or even offend my values) I try not to judge. I managed to maintain a relationship with my father after he left my mother, I think I could remain friends with Erica.
And until I’ve seen them in this situation themselves, and acting differently, I’m not going to take the word of people who would say “I would never do something that shallow myself”. Words are cheap.
Also, the reason people have to be together vary a great deal. Him being in a great shape might perfectly be central in her choice of a mate. Other people might have very different reasons to stay with their current significant other. If they picked him for intellectual qualities (sharp wit, positive spirit, humour, whatever), for instance, they wouldn’t be as negatively impacted by a physical disability. They can’t compare unless they picture their SO losing the qualities they value the most in him and made them choose him.
I’ve been married for 20 years; my spouse has been chronically ill/disabled for 16 years. I totally get the “this is not the marriage I signed up for” feelings. And I’m not a strong or wonderful or amazing person, I’m just me, coping the best I can.
If Erica were a friend of mine, she would have my sympathies, and all my coping tips. If she told me she wanted to divorce her husband, only six months after his accident, I’d also advise her not to do anything rash so soon after such a life-changing event. She may feel differently in another six months, or she may not, but there’s no need to act right this very second.
Calling a spouse being a quadriplegic needing nursing care some sort of “shallow” change is also profoundly ignorant to my ears. My first husband was radically changed in everything after his illness started, and as it progressed it continued to change him. The Geoff in this scenario is not the same person Erica married. He’s not a lesser person, but he is a different person.
First, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. Oh boy do I understand the feelings of not having the marriage you signed up for. I didn’t have a good excuse, since I knew my husband was ill when we married, but it was still a drain and a shock.
I agree with your advice though, honestly, I’d probably hesitate to give it.
No, I wouldn’t. I’ve lived enough life to know that the people we want to be and the people we are are often very different. I wouldn’t blame Erica for discovering that she can’t cope with the situation.
Do not be too quick to condemn anyone - esp. one who has undergone such an extreme change in circumstance.
One day, you’re young, rich and ready to see the world.
Next day, you are trapped in the life of a live-in nurse - no travel, no restaurants, not even a long drive in the country.
If Erica was the only person who could care for him, that would be one thing - but if he is wealthy, and number of skilled nursing possibilities are open to him.
I don’t quite understand you here. You wrote “No, I wouldn’t,” which I take to mean that you wouldn’t remain friends with Erica, but that seems at odds with your last sentence.
There are, of course, but they will vary from one person to another. For instance if Erica had left Geoff because he became poor (he’s apparently wealthy) instead of because he became disabled, it would very negatively affect my opinion of her. Taking his financial situation into account in such a decision or in the selection of a partner seems the epitome of shallowness to me. I can’t even really comprehend it. Nevertheless, a lot, if not the majority, of people do want a financially secure (not necessarily rich) partner, and will perfectly understand that a friend reject a potential mate who can’t bring financial stability to the table. I won’t. There’s no universal rule about the kind of “moral failings” that have the potential to ruin a relationship.
Shit happens. Relationships sink or swim, it doesn’t have to be a judgment on the person who felt, for whatever reason, it wasn’t working.
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Also, the reason people have to be together vary a great deal. Him being in a great shape might perfectly be central in her choice of a mate. Other people might have very different reasons to stay with their current significant other. If they picked him for intellectual qualities (sharp wit, positive spirit, humour, whatever), for instance, they wouldn’t be as negatively impacted by a physical disability. They can’t compare unless they picture their SO losing the qualities they value the most in him and made them choose him.
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Bingo. I have a buddy who eats, sleeps and breathes physical activity. Just to give an example, he decided on Memorial Day, just for the joy of it, to bike 125 miles and run 30 miles. This wasn’t training for a race or anything, he just spontaneously decided that’s what he would do that day. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he exercises in his sleep. I am quite sure he is crazy and could only be with a woman equally as insane. I don’t think he could deal with a crippled partner, because so much of the relationship would be predicated on a mutual obsession with fitness.
There’s a lot of little variables that go into this. It likely wouldn’t be completely out of left-field for Erica, so I’d have probably already known she’s the sort of person that sees marriage as a sort of “super friendship”, not some sort of unbreakable sanctified contract. This would likely have already shown itself in other ways… if we’re super-close then I’m probably okay with her approach to life already.
As you said, you’ve cooled on friends because of racism and wouldn’t be okay with a friend who beats his wife… the former seems like something that would be difficult to not notice already if you’ve been super close for 10 years, the latter maybe more likely to occur suddenly and something I could see ditching a friend over.
I’d also like to know the circumstances of the accident. If Geoff was sitting in his car stopped at a stoplight and got T-boned by an unavoidable drunk driver, sure, that’s more likely I’ll feel for his situation. But what if he was the one driving drunk, or recklessly? I might be the one telling Erica to dump him in that situation.
In the end, though, I think I’d side with Erica - shit happens, and I don’t think marriage (especially early on) is something that should be expected to survive such unpredictable tumult.
Given Blinkie’s story, knowing human nature in general, and knowing that people get divorced over things *far less serious *than this sort of radical situation, at my age, I’d find it difficult to decide that I wanted nothing more to do with a loved one because (s)he made a different choice than I might. Doesn’t make her a terrible human being, and possibly not even a terribly flawed human being.
One might decide to cut ties with another after discovering the loved one is a cold-blooded murderer or lacked a conscience, but I don’t know that it makes sense to decide that you no longer want someone in your life because (s)he chooses to end a relationship with someone because of this circumstance.
What I’d be more curious to know is whether the friend of Erica will remain friends with Geoff.