I would not remain friends with this person. Not necessarily because she is treating her husband badly. IMO the basis upon which they have built their marriage is between them, and is both their responsibility, and frankly, none of my business. If their relationship was built upon freedom travel and excitement, obviously she feels that this circumstance has shaken that basis, so let her be free.
But at the same time she is showing that freedom, travel and excitement are more important to her than love, companionship and loyalty. This is so far from my own values and priorities that we are just not compatible as friends.
I would judge her as kind of stupid for getting married without anticipating such a scenario. Did she just tune out during the “through sickness and health” part of her vows?
However, love can make people do stupid things. You can be a good person and rush into things without thinking. And no ever really anticipates the worse.
I’d probably remain friends, but if she asked for my opinion about her decision, I’d let her know that I thought it was a messed up how she could walk out of a legal obligation so easily. If she asked for additional commentary, I’d let her know that she should at least pay spousal support so that Geoff can get something positive out of the relationship.
You know, being married to a disabled person does not mean being shackled to a disabled person.
I married a disabled man and there are some things he just can not do. However, he has NEVER stopped me from doing those things. Indeed, he encourages me to do things even when he can not join me in doing them.
Thus - assuming this couple is financially well off and Erica is not the only caretaker - Erica would NOT have to be the “live in nurse”, she could still go to restaurants (actually, quads can go to restaurants, too), long drives in the country, and yes, even travel the world. She may not be able to do it with Geoff.
So, a lot depends on things not mentioned in the OP. Is Geoff willing to let Erica do things on her own that he can’t do with her? What, exactly, is causing the split? I can envision circumstances where such a split is best for both people, and circumstances where both people might be asshats.
There is a distinct difference between my situation, where I entered into a relationship with someone disabled from the get-go, versus the acquisition of a severe impairment later on.
I’m not going to answer the question because there are just too many possible variables. But, I will say that Geoff is better off without Erica in this scenario. If I was Geoff, I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone who was utterly resentful and miserable because of my plight. It’s not to say that when people have to take care of a loved one they need to be cheery and positive all the time - that’s surely impossible. Erica, however, would only make the situation worse. I’d say she should head out to find her “adventures” and not let the door hit her on the way out. In other words, good riddance, Erica.
Me - I can be loyal to a fault when it involves someone I truly care about.
Yes, I would be friends with Erica. She’s young and has her whole life ahead of her.
I’d like to think if I were Geoff, I would WANT her to leave so she could have the possibility to live that life we once dreamed of together.
Ah, but was that in her vows? Not everyone uses the same ones. Besides, “'till death do us part” is in the traditional vows, too, and I’m not going to stop being friends with someone if they got divorced over infidelity, abuse, or just no longer being happy together.
Not to make this about gender, but I suspect there would be a much more negative reaction if a man divorced a crippled wife because of her being crippled.
People do stop being friends over those type of issues/break-ups. The friends that I lost after my divorce - I realized were not really the type of friends I wanted to have.
I was thinking a bit more about the Geoff and Erica scenario. I think that would bothers me most about it is not the fact that she wants to leave - if I was Geoff I would want her to go on with her life and find happiness in whichever way she chose to - it’s the time frame that seems pretty cold. I think that after 5 years of marriage, Geoff deserves more than a mere 6 months from Erica to adjust to all the changes ahead of him. That’s all.
Here’s his thread. He was a poster who developed Locked In Syndrome after a stroke - basically, he could only move his eyes, and posted using some sort of scrolling computer technology. He recently passed away, hence the altered title. The thread’s a pretty amazing read - at one point, he talks about how when his smell first came back, the first thing he smelled was a lemon, and it was the most beautiful sensation in the world. He also wrote a piece for Teemings - 'Twas the Stroke Before Christmas - which goes into more detail.
I got remarried and never once considered that he may be in an accident and become a quadriplegic. It’s a pretty unlikely outcome for most people, even if we were truly good at imagining horrible outcomes. (Most of us really don’t take “there are only two ways out of this marriage” very seriously, even though it’s true.)
And even if we can conceive of such a possibility when we make the vow, we have no real way of knowing what that would mean on a visceral, day-to-day level. We really have no way of anticipating what particular challenges any relationship will face, and if we think we can predict how we’ll handle them, we’re kidding ourselves.
I speak from recent experience. My husband is not disabled but after 12 years of awesome we had a series of adverse life events this year that were the equivalent of throwing a live grenade on our marriage. And we are still picking up the pieces. And it’s not like we never faced challenges before this. We had years of experience dealing with life’s sucker punches and then this one thing blew it all to hell, in what seemed like an instant. We are finding equilibrium now, but nonetheless, I find myself humbled. I don’t think I would ever dare to predict our reaction to any given event, after experiencing this. Relationships are fragile things, all it really takes to threaten one is a well-aimed blow to your most vulnerable spot.
Indeed. Crowing about our sticktoitiveness is like crowing about your immune system. There are a lot of bugs out there that we never encounter. We don’t really know what would fell us if we were exposed.
Before reading the OP, my thought was that it depends a bit on what kind of friend I am with the non-injured spouse. If we’re work-friends, in the sense that we chat about the game on Monday and we go out to lunch together more often than not, I could probably stay friends with the person. If they’re the kind of friend that I know through some mutual organization, like volunteering with the Humane Society or whatever, where I see them but not their spouse, yea, I could probably stay friends with them. If they were the kind of friends were we saw each other mainly though dinner at each other’s houses and joint family activities, I would have a much harder time with that.
After reading OP, it’s not super clear what kind of best friend Erica is supposed to be. I assume the latter, but OP reads like I barely know Geoff. I think it’s not so hard to stay friends with someone that left their spouse (for whatever reason they left), if you barely know the spouse and think of them as “so-and-so’s spouse” instead of as a person in their own right. For that reason, I think I’d be able to stay friends with Erica, unless she started being extraordinarily selfish in other ways. I might think less of her, but I could stay friends.
If it was one of those couples where I am as good friends with one as with the other, I don’t think I’d be able to stay friends with the leaving spouse. Just too awkward. But if I have to be honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t spend as much time with Geoff as I should either. I would be too uncomfortable, which is really shitty of me but probably the truth.
You are wise. Relationships fail for much more trivial reasons than permanent disability. Friendship can be much longer lasting because they require much less effort.