I’ve read that there is a high percentage of divorce among parents of children who become disabled or have long term serious illness. The strain of everything just makes it much harder to have a good relationship.
It could be that Erica is in the middle of the grieving process and this is part of it.
It’s really to so say without actually being in the situation.
But everybody changes. You are not the same person you were five years ago; you will not be the same person five years from now. Nor will your spouse in five years, let alone twenty, be the same person you married. Marriage is by definition a commitment and expectation to go through changes with someone, yours and theirs.
Granted, a major trauma can change someone faster or more dramatically or unpredictably than anyone might have anticipated. But so can ‘lesser’ events. Sometimes the dealbreaking difference is only the cumulative weight of a thousand tiny changes, no one of which would even be worth mentioning alone.
It seems to me that the question isn’t about anticipating possibilities or predicting reactions; it’s about what people actually do. Things will happen that we don’t expect, that’s pretty much given. That doesn’t mean that what we do in the unplanned-for case somehow isn’t a real or fair test of character. Indeed, maybe it is the only one.
The one variable not mentioned is how the injured spouse is handling this drastically life-altering tragedy. I guess we’re supposed to assume that he’s handling it as best as can be hoped for under the circumstances in this hypothetical, but that’s an enormous assumption to make in the real world. And who wants to accuse their newly paralyzed spouse of behaving badly in response to such an event?
I think Hey Hey Paula has the only valid criticism against the healthy spouse here, in that six months is awfully soon to make that kind of decision final in the wake of such tragedy, even in a relatively new marriage.
I would still give anyone, let alone a close friend, a lot of leeway under the circumstances. They would have to really show themselves as indifferent or callous before I wrote them off.
I couldn’t remain friends with Erica. Abandoning somebody you’re committed to for better or worse while that person is at the absolute lowest point of their life displays a self absorption I can’t respect.
True, a man would seem like some sort of ogre if say his wife became handicapped. But a woman, it would be all “you go girl!”.
And yet the majority of posts have been the opposite of this.
Does your personal standard for friends proscribe narcissistic ones? If so, Erica is off the list.
If you are open to having friends with that particular personality trait, keep her as a friend within whatever level of relationship you permit for friends with flaws.
This is a question of your values; not hers.
I find almost everyone from almost any walk of life interesting. I would not consider those who violate outright my personal standards close “friends.” But neither do I find almost anyone’s personal ethics or behaviour a cause to shun them.
If you are personally close to Geoff, and a friendship at any level with Erica hurts Geoff, the equation changes.
YMMV
Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if Skald the Rhymer’s binary vision of events was all we ever had to consider?
I don’t “get” marriage. Making a lifetime commitment to someone is basically saying that even if you want to be free of the person at some point in the future, you are going to stick around anyway until one of you dies. Why would anyone want this?
Of course people know when they marry (depending on where they live) that they can get divorced, but if they see that as a future possibility, what is the value of the commitment anyway? You can always stay with someone until you tire of it without marrying them. I guess if your religion dictates that you must marry or remain a virgin or you are up for insurance benefits or tax advantages if you marry, then that explains why people do it, but the “lifetime commitment” aspect seems quite absurd.
I would fully support any friend leaving a spouse for any reason at all. If you don’t want to be with someone because they are a quadriplegic or because they won’t quit leaving toenail clippings around the house, it’s all the same to me. I sure wouldn’t want to be the quadriplegic whose spouse stays out of obligation. Maybe the quadriplegic will find love elsewhere at some point after the unloving spouse is out of the way. Staying with someone you don’t want to be with is no favor to them.
What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a binary vision of events. I haven’t given an opinion one way or the other about Erica.
This logic is what bothers me the most.
A husband could say, “The woman I married was beautiful and had a lovely face - not the woman with third-degree burns now whose face is hideously melted from the blazing house fire she escaped from last week.”
A wife could say, “The man I married was healthy, not the pancreatic-cancer patient hooked up to IVs and tubes right now.”
A husband could say, “The woman I married was young, energetic, and athletic, not the 70-year old hag who is in a wheelchair now.”
All in all, it’s just an awful sentiment.
Yes. She has proven herself to be severely lacking in integrity. Not the kind of person I would want to hang out with.
I think these sum up my attitude fairly accurately. I can’t honestly say that I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was in Erica’s shoes. I mean, I like to think I wouldn’t, but it’s just not the sort of response that is truly predictable. I’m also not sure that I would encourage Erica to stay with Geoff if she was genuinely going to be unhappy anyway.
Well it’s not something Hallmark should make a card about, but people can’t help how they feel. Isn’t it better to act on those feelings and go away than to live a lie and pretend feelings you don’t have because you don’t want people negatively judging you?
It’s like a closeted gay person in a heterosexual marriage. Why should the spouse be victimized by this type of deceit?
If you don’t get marriage you don’t get marriage, I’m OK with that. It does declare that you have made a commitment that goes beyond the casual. For some people that’s important, and outside of religious/legal/tax/insurance purposes.
A sizable number of marriages DO last under one of the two partners dies, so apparently there are quite a few people who do want to stick around until death.
Well, yeah, awful but it happens pretty often in real life. Post-disaster divorces/break ups do happen. People left maimed and crippled all too often lose family and friends who can’t deal with the changes.
Would it really be better for her to stay with him and slowly come to resent everyone and everything in her life?
I’d stay friends with her. Actually I’d make it a point of supporting her just because I know lots would judge her harshly.
I agree, just six months after the accident, both Erica and Geoff are still adjusting. Some counseling might be in order, and maybe more nursing help or household help if that stuff is causing stress. If after another year or so after trying to work things through she still wants to leave, I wouldn’t blame her, but six months is an awfully short time to deal with a big change like this.
I also agree with this. Erica can still do some of the exciting things with him, just it might take more planning. And she can definitely do a lot of exciting things without him while still being married to him. Some married people without disabled spouses travel alone just because the spouses aren’t interested in traveling to the same places. She’s not required to be his live-in nurse since they have money to pay for a real one.
I’d like to know how Geoff is treating things. Is he angry and bitter at the world? Did he fall into a depression after the accident? If so, I wouldn’t blame Geoff, but I also wouldn’t blame Erica thinking about leaving the marriage. Or is Geoff handling things pretty well? Does he have bad days, but is overall accepting that this is how it’s going to be now and adjusting well? If so, I’d have less sympathy for Erica wanting to leave.
People do get divorced for any number of reasons. If someone I know gets divorced, I don’t interrogate them about the reasons to see if I approve or not. I think I could still be friends with Erica, although I would advise her to not make any too hasty decisions, and see if there was anything else she could do before divorcing.
I’m not sure why this scenario should be any more wrong than divorce for any other reason.
Fundamentally, she is no longer happy in her marriage. Maybe she’s being too quick to bail without putting forth any effort to find a way to be happy, which speaks perhaps to her level of commitment in the first place. In the end, however, divorce is not a moral failing.