First, let me make it clear that I’m an Obama supporter: I voted for him in my state primary last week and I’m desperately hoping I’ll be able to vote for him in November.
As a world-weary and cynical observer of the political scene, I’m troubled by the fact that he seems too perfect. But I’m sure we can count on the Republicans to dig up some dirt, true or not, about whoever the eventual Democratic nominee is. Of course, if it’s Clinton, they won’t have to go very far. Most of us already know about most of her negatives. (They’re the main reason I don’t want her to win the nomination.)
So I think we need to help Obama by muddying the waters of the false and baseless accusations that will eventually be spread by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy™. Let’s put as many ridiculous claims about him out there as possible so that nothing the Pubbies try to spread will be taken seriously either.
The only problem is that I’m just no good at lying and slandering people. I just can’t help it. I’m too nice and decent a person. But I figure the rest of you don’t have that problem.
So I’ll get it started, but I expect you all to top me.
Did you hear that Obama fathered an illegitimate white child?
Would it affect your vote if you were to find out that Barack Obama once lost an entire pork barrel project at the race track and his dad Tom Bosley had to go win it back?
Did I ever tell you about the time Barack took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Barack takes me to a vacant lot and says, “Here we are.” We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Barack yelled over the roar of the flames, “Always leave things the way you found em!”
Psst! Barack Obama’s presence causes cancer in laboratory mice, and the reason Lindsay Lohan is such a mess is that he molested her when she was four! Four!
But don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a helluva guy…for a closet Nazi.
Barack Obama won’t let anybody else be the race car in Monopoly. Not even if they had to be the thimble last time.
Barack Obama overfishes sardines and then eats them in front of hungry penguins. He laughs while doing this. He sows dandelion seeds in his neighbor’s garden at night.
Barack Obama washes his great-grandmother’s cast iron skillet in the dishwasher. He spends five minutes choosing his lottery tickets at the gas station while pretending to not notice the line growing behind him.
Barak Obama is, in fact, whiter than I am.
Yes, he was trying to hide the results of overindulging in colloidal silver by covering himself with Nutella when a hungry armadillo happened along. Well, Obama enjoyed that so much he now won’t go anywhere without a layer of Nutella.
And that’s why some people “faint” at his rallies, they’re actually allergic to nuts and suffering anaphylaxic shock.
He writes a question-and-answer column for a weekly Chicago paper, but due to the often scandolous or inappropriate nature of the questions covered, does so under a pseudonym so as to protect his political career.