In this now-closed thread, the issue of a guy not having healthcare came up as a possible dealbreaker for some of the posters.
To be honest, the issue has never crossed my mind. (I’m in my mid-20s - perhaps it’s an age thing?) Is this a common issue when it comes to dating in the US?
In my limited (also mid-20s) experience, this topic has never come up among any of my single friends, nor the single friends/family of my wife. I’ve never heard it referred to in popular culture or media, either.
Not having health insurance might suck, but I’ve never seen it associated with a person’s character or their “dateability”. It is more of a personal issue, if it’s an issue at all.
Not for me, but it would definitely be a red flag. If a man didn’t care enough about himself to have some kind of insurance, I would be worried he was looking for a mommy to take care of him. While it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker in and of itself, combined with other things it would definitely be influential in my decision of whether or not he was worth my time.
When I was in my early twenties and dating, it wouldn’t come up and I wouldn’t care. I’m 33 now and if I were to be dating again, I think it might be a red flag at my age unless it were a temporary thing or they were a grad student.
It may not be a deal-breaker for dating, but it could be for marriage.
Depends on the reason. A guy says he doesn’t have insurance. My spidey sense pops up and I say “oh really, why’s that?” and this conversation can go one of three ways:
Way of the Golden Monkey:
“Well, I’ve gone over the pros and cons and right now I’m healthy and it just makes sense for me to pay as I go instead of paying every month for something I use once a year. I have a small savings for catastrophies and will make payment arrangements with the hospital should I be run over by the train.”
Way of the Naked Squirrel:
“I’m focusing all my income on living right now and it’s just not an expense I can swing. I’m sure everyone would like to be set up for emergencies, and I will later in life I am sure, but at the current time I need to make sure I pay my rent on time and keep working for the future.”
Way of the Pirate’s Parrot:
“I don’t know. I guess my parents dropped me? Huh, you think I need insurance? That sounds too hard to figure out. I don’t get that stuff.”
OK, so I made up the Ways, but the idea is that for me, it’s all about attitude towards the situation. Maybe he has a really good reason. Maybe he’s thought it through. Or maybe numbers and insurance forms make his head hurt and he really wants someone to do it for him. That last one is the one that makes is a dealbreaker. Give me a good reason, explain yourself - I may not agree with your decision but at least I can respect putting some thought into it. Otherwise, yes, it is a dealbreaker.
You forgot:
Way of the Sloth
“Yeah, yeah. I haven’t got around to it yet.” (Ten or so years down the line.)
I’ve never had it come up before either, but I was in my twenties last time I was living in the U.S. and it just didn’t come up since half-my friends were still covered as students.
But, I would see it more as a red flag as a general sign of responsibility and managing affairs like a grown up.
Example, when I was living in the U.S. my ex hadn’t bothered to get any kind of insurance. She also didn’t bother getting a proper driver’s licence because her international licence was still valid. So although she was a resident of the state for over 5 years, she had no valid state ID. Just because she couldn’t be be bothered.
The IRS got pissed with her for not filing some forms for her business that were supposed to be filed quarterly, because she couldn’t be bothered and figured she’d just have it done by her tax guy around income tax time.
When she finally did have insurance through work, I had to nag her for months to get suspected skin cancer checked out (and yes, it was skin cancer) because she couldnt be bothered to make an appointment, since it was inconvenient. In the last few months we were dating, her arrhythmia was getting worse. Her heartbat would totally go out of whack and she’d have to cough to get it back to a proper rhythm. It was severe enough for her to stop in her tracks and clutch her chest… But she couldn’t be bothered to have it checked out, and just said: “Next time I’m at the doctors, I’ll ask about it.” Basically, she’d prefer to wait until she broke an arm or needed stitches before she was going to ask: “By the way, sometimes my heart sort of stops…”
So it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker in itself, but if it seemed like it was the Way of the Sloth, it would be. I never want to date someone as irresponsible as that woman again.
When I was in my early twenties, it didn’t matter so much…most people I knew then were in college and still covered under their parent’s insurance or the college’s insurance. If I were to be dating now, though, in my early thirties, it would definitely raise questions. Why would someone my age take a job that does not offer health insurance? I’m sure that there are valid answers to that question, but I would certainly be interested in what those answers would be.
It would be an issue to me, not in and of itself, but because in many cases it would say they didn’t have a good enough job to have insurance. (the self employed and contractors get a pass on this) It would be an red flag of their financial situation.
I would apply this to car insurance as well. Though that also adds the aspect of their respect for the law in a way that not having health insurance doesn’t touch on.
You know, I just had this discussion with a guy.
He works a $10/hr job with no benefits. He doesn’t own a car, and he rents a bedroom from his ex-wife. Great guy - funny, smart, sweet, and here I am having to explain to him that a romantic relationship is probably not going to work out between us.
First, I’m not interested in dating someone who isn’t a potential marriage partner. I’m not dating to pass the time, and I’m dating to hook up. I want a life-partner.
Second, I believe very much that marriage is a partnership. I take care of him; he takes care of me. It may be that he loses his job or is struck down by a catastrophic illness. If that’s the case, my health insurance has to be able to cover us both. I have to know, in turn, that if I become seriously ill - and it’s a possibility - that he has the resources to take care of me. If he doesn’t have health insurance or a job that can lead to it, then he isn’t going to be able to do that.
The man in question is in his mid-40s. I don’t expect him to revise his life to meet my needs, and I don’t want to waste his time.
Of course, this one particular issue would be moot if we could only get single-payer health coverage.
I’d definitely consider it to be evidence of an outlook on life that isn’t particularly compatible with mine. I’m extremely risk-averse, and I can’t imagine choosing to go without health insurance if there were other options, even if those options included work I liked a lot less or being paid less. I couldn’t see myself being happy with someone who wasn’t bothered by the thought that he could be financially wiped out by an accident or illness. I only date to find someone to marry (I hate dating, so I definitely wouldn’t do it for fun), so I wouldn’t date someone like that.
If someone has the option of getting affordable health insurance and doesn’t, then yes, it’s an absolute deal breaker. I really can’t see how that’s not proof of anything other than a really stupid attitude towards risk in general, and that is going to be a problem.
If someone doesn’t have that option, things are a little bit more complicated. But I really can’t think of a reason why they wouldn’t have that option that doesn’t point to some other incompatibility. At this point, I’m looking for someone who’s educated, at least slightly career-oriented, and not fresh out of college. Anybody who fits that profile will probably have the option of affordable health insurance.
I think it depends on the situation. Z.R. Test works his butt off lecturing at three different colleges to make ends meet while trying for “real” faculty positions (which are nonexistent right now because of a hiring freeze). He hasn’t got health insurance, and it sucks, and it’s scary, but that’s what you have to do sometimes to realize a dream. I certainly cannot fault him for it.
The original thread talked about a guy who was dating women with children. That sounds like a demographic group out to find a mate/provider. They certainly don’t want a liability. He signed his original post wondering if he should remain poor so that he can be appreciated for himself.
From a dating perspective, someone making $10 an hour with no insurance is a financial liability. An honest person who does not want to take on that liability should be honest about it.
Maybe he has an elevated attitude towards risk.
I mean. . .the insurance companies aren’t making money because everyone is getting their money’s worth out of it. (they say they make it on the float. I’m dubious.)
But, it really does come down to his reasons, like ShelliBean got at. . .I could see the guy saying, “well, I’m not making a ton of money, and that’s a huge expense, and I’m relatively healthy, and don’t engage in high risk activity; I’ll pick it up again when I get a better job, etc.”
Or, is he saying, “well, if anything really bad happens, the ER will just patch me up and I’ll figure out how to pay for it then.”
So, I can’t really dismiss it as a deal breaker out of hand.
FWIW, I forsook insurance when I was unemployed back in 2001. Pure economic decision from my point of view.
I don’t know but that whole thing has been bothering me since when I first read it this morning. It’s something I’ve never encountered before. I’m trying to fit it into my world, and I can’t decide if this is something that happens naturally when you pass into the 30s, or that thread is just another weird SDMB minutiae fixation event, or what.
Granted, I’m just sort of an irresponsible manchild. I make okay money, nice car nice shoes etc. Got the Motts. What I know about insurance is told to me by human resources people, and as far as I can tell those people do only one thing in this world: they collaborate with the insurance companies to change my plan every year. Every year I wander into the meeting, ignore everything being said because I’m thinking about work, video games or tits, then at the end I choose a random insurance plan and go back to work. And I hardly ever get sick so I don’t really care. Lalala, oblivious to the evident HR free-loaders doing nothing all year but changing a card in my wallet.
But now, this. What distresses me is that there may be an entire faction of women out there who have some sort of active interest in this part of my life. Am I missing out on tail because I don’t have the insurance card in the front of my wallet? Did I choose the right plan? What if I have an inferior plan? Could I be making a better and more informed plan decision that would make me even more appealing to the opposite sex? Should I have said yes to the Aflac duck?
These are the things I want to know.
The Aflac duck creeps me out.
I suppose I had a similar reaction upon reading the thread, Grossbottom. The thought has never crossed my mind. Maybe I’m being young and stupid, and I SHOULD be thinking about these things; on the other hand, none of my friends have insurance at the moment, and I wouldn’t say any of them are lazy or irresponsible. Most of us are working our asses off as adjunct faculty at community colleges.
It isn’t something I would ever think to ask someone about, but if I were dating a guy and found out somehow that he was uninsured and it was just because he doesn’t feel that it is an important purchase that would say a lot to me about his priorities in life. If he has the complete cable sports package but can’t make it a priority to afford to go to the hospital if he gets sick or injured then he is not the man for me.
Okay, yeah, but. Whaaaat if he’s just barely responsible enough to hire people to do it for him? Because I’m yes, admittedly very disinterested in these adult responsibilities, and I guess I’m not particularly risk averse. But I’ll go out and get money so I can pay other people to do these grown-up things so that I don’t have to do them myself. Like letting the HR ladies pick my insurance, or hiring a maid to clean my house. I don’t want to do those things because they suck.
Is it still a dealbreaker?
I don’t know. In my mid-20s it seemed like getting money and trading it for services was a good plan that offered maximum return, but now I think I might be screwing myself out of a big chunk of the milf market. Maybe I should read my insurance plan book and talk about it on my next date with anyone over 28.
My current SO has no insurance available through his job, and yes it concerns me. I’m in my late 30s and he’s 41, planning on going back to grad school soon and it worries me. We’ve been talking about getting married for a while, but the biggest reason I want to do it sooner rather than later is so he can be covered on my insurance.
He has looked at a few different available plans and at least has some clue that it’s not a great situation to be lacking insurance, but hasn’t found any that’s reasonable and he’s healthy so he’s just continuing to wing it. If he weren’t planning on heading back into school, I’d expect to see him making moves to get out of a small company where he’s got a good job with no bennies into a larger company where he might have some suckage but with grown-up compensation.