Today I saw a post secret about someone saying they were still a virgin and that they think they’ll always be one.
That got me wondering, at what age would being a virgin be a deal breaker.
Ok, so you meet this guy/girl. They are perfect for you in every way. They take you out and it was an instant connection, something you’ve been waiting for your entire life. In the course of the evening they do or say something that makes you think, “This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
But over the course of talking throughout the week you come to find that they’re a virgin. You’ve been inside their home and there’s no lampshades made of human skin, they have actual friends, healthy relationship with their mother, etc etc.
My wife says that it wouldn’t matter. Another friend said that after about 26 it’d be a bit weird. What says the Straight Dope? And if it would be a deal breaker, why?
ETA: For the sake of this poll “After 20” means older than 21. “After 30” means older than 31 etc. If it’s, for example 26 click After 20 and clarify in response. Thank you.
It’s a little unclear. Does “Male: After 20” mean, for instance, “I am a female, and would not consider a male if he was a virgin after age 20” or does it mean “I am a male and would not consider a partner who was a virgin after 20”?
I’m just curious. I can’t participate, as I got married in the 70s, and there were no virgins anywhere in those days.
Well, “dealbreaker” is a strong word. But most people don’t end up old virgins accidentally, you know? Common reasons might be:
He’s religious and doesn’t want to have sex before marriage, which is a dealbreaker.
He has problems with women. Puts them on pedestals, etc. Also probably a dealbreaker.
I’m watching this fascinating documentary even as we speak made in the 80’s (giving it a seriously surreal quality) about a sex surrogate and her clients. Worth a look - one of them is a 20-something virgin who’s shy and terrified of approaching a woman. (The other one I don’t like.)
But Sofia, he says in his OP that the person is otherwise perfect for you in every way. Being highly religious or putting women on pedestals would sort of get in the way of being otherwise perfect.
You might also find someone who used to be religious or had weird ideas about sex, but now does not.
Many of the people I’ve known who were virgins far into their 20s were in some sort of dysfunctional relationship for many years, and/or had significant self-esteem issues. These are things that can be and often are resolved/worked through.
Given the parameters of the OP, virginity wouldn’t matter to me, so that’s the poll option I chose. But in my experience, virginity after a man’s late 20s would prevent him from being “perfect for [me] in every way”, because the reason he was still a virgin would probably be a dealbreaker (extremely religious, low sex drive, etc)
If one takes seriously the hypothetical (the person otherwise being a good match) then the importance of their level of previous sexual activity is greatly diminished in terms of what it says about them. For example, I have one friend who is an undergraduate at a women’s college and plans on medical school. A 30 year old version of her who is virgin out of sheer lack of opportunity would still be an awesome person. It starts getting hard to imagine a 40 year old virgin who is compatible with me in all other ways but lets not fight the hypothetical.
So, in the terms of the scenario, the OP has neutralized the normal concern: a virgin of X age is a weird person. The only remaining cost to dating a virgin in this scenario is having to teach them how to have sex. This is a real cost but, all things considered, something I’m willing to accept. Now, how will I feel when I am 30, 40, or 50? That i’m not sure. I suspect, however, that I’ll be increasingly willing to settle down in general with age, so there would be a strong tendency to accept a woman who is a near perfect match.
I said after 40. It seems like the older you are, the harder it is to learn new skills and become proficient at them. This is not to say that it would be impossible for a 40 year old virgin to learn how to be an amazing love maker, but it does seem like it would be less likely or at least, a lot of work.
Maybe I will feel differently when I am older, but that is how I would feel about it now.
Wouldn’t be a problem at all if I liked someone. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen, for a variety of reaons. I know some perfectly attractive, intelligent, engaging, and otherwise normal people who are late virgins.
Of course if our sex life ended up sucking after a good attempt- that would be a dealbreaker for sure.
Yeah, but I’m pretty sure anybody who’s still a virgin after 30 who doesn’t have any of those issues is… mythical. Or maybe used to have them, like somebody said above.
Yes, the lady in the documentary has short hair. I was really hoping she wouldn’t have a shitty relationship with her dad, but oh well.
Assuming the person were an otherwise excellent match, this wouldn’t be a problem for me.
In the real world, though, I can understand how lack of experience past a certain age would be a deal-breaker. In my own case, I expect that I may well never have a really serious relationship, simply because I didn’t have one in that “window” of late teens/early twenties in which most people learn the basic framework of how relationships function. It’s one thing to be dating a freshman in college who’s got no idea what he’s doing at all - quite another when that fellow’s a working professional, trying to date a woman in the same age and place in life.
There are other problems that come with being a “late bloomer” - for one thing, it makes you really nervous, and gives you terrible habits. In all candor, part of me is relieved when I end up in the Friend Zone with a woman I’d been interested in - after all, I know how friendships work. The other thing - not a clue.
It’s a shame - quite aside from getting laid, other people seem to derive real strength from their romantic relationships, and lend it to their partners in turn. That’d be neat. But, hell - I’m healthy, employed, and the beneficiary of an education that’s lent my life a richness all its own. That ain’t nothing.
I’m happily married, but if I suddenly found myself single, I don’t think that a woman being a virgin would automatically be a dealbreaker. HOWEVER (all caps cuz it’s a big whatever), a woman my age being a virgin would most likely indicate some underlying weirdness that WOULD be a dealbreaker.
