When does virginity and age become weird? (Offshoot of What's sexier)

The “What’s sexier: innocence or experience” thread seemed overwhelmingly weighted in favor of the people who don’t have the time of day for people with no experience, which sort of contradicts everything I’ve been consoled about when this question has arisen before.

I’ve always gotten the “don’t sweat it, girls like teaching guys” thing, but apparently it is most definitely something to sweat, what with a very large portion seemingly unwilling to take the time and patience to teach someone the ropes.

So I would like some honest answers (please don’t be afraid to be 100% truthful), hopefully from the people who choose experience over innocence; at what age does someone still having their virginity become a red flag for you to stay away?

I know, I know, “I’m generalizing,” I’m “painting with a broad brush” yadda yadda yadda. But the opinion does exist, and sadly we live a life of percentages (That and I analyze and over analyze everything). It’s hard enough sometimes finding someone your age who is currently single, in addition to someone who finds you attractive, who you also are attracted to, and who you are compatible with. Having to search and search and search for someone who meets those criteria AND is willing to tolerate your virginity is just an added burden and makes the chances of finding someone even smaller the longer you retain your virginity.

So, around what age does still having one’s virginity make you raise an eyebrow and turn your attention in the other direction?

Hmmm. This is a difficult question. I’d say mid- to late twenties. To be totally honest, however, I would be more intrigued than otherwise, because I’m a nosy sort. I’d want to know just why the person in question was still a virgin.

It’s not virginity per se that bugs me in a woman, it’s professed virginity and some attendant eyebrow raising indicators: being a virgin and still living at home being supported by her parents; virginity and still going to the same church for all her life; virginity and being called “princess” by her father; virginity yet getting drunk and giving up anal, oral, handjobs and felching on the first two dates. Brrrrrr.

The problem with that other thread is the title: it’s coached in terms of innocence (and its loaded connotations of sexual purity) and experience (and its somewhat misleading connotations of sexual competence.) The real question was, Would you rather be taught, or do the teaching?

Whoops. Forgot to add, and this was said in the other thread: Ethusiasm is the sexiest thing.

For me, I consider mid- to late-twenties to be weird. Unless you look like John Merrick, or have some obvious mental deficiency, or some horrible smell emanating from your body, you should probably have had sex by then. I can understand if someone has actual disfiguring problems that he or she might never have sex, but if the person is relatively normal in appearance and behavior, it’s odd.

As I told an acquaintance once, being a virgin for a long period of time past puberty kind of implies that you have some kind of problem. It might be a problem with being afraid of intimacy, it might be a problem with forming relationships with people, it might be that you have hangups about sex, it might be any number of things. In my opinion if you haven’t had a relationship that you consider serious enough for sex before you’re 30, there is some kind of problem.

And yes, I consider people who use the excuse that they’re “saving themselves for marriage” to have some kind of problem. Besides which, there may not be that many like-minded people out there, but you should have been able to find someone acceptable by the time you’re about 30, or it just isn’t going to happen.

That’s quite sad, because it’s kind of a vicious circle for the person in question.
Saying, “Omigawd! You’re a virgin?!? I was into you before but now, no way!” isn’t really going to help a virgin become a non-virgin.

Personally, it wouldn’t bother me, because if I’m going to be intimate enough with a guy that that sort of information comes up for discussion, I’m going to try to be understanding if at all possible.

Because if he was a raving loony or resembled John Merrick, I probably wouldn’t be getting intimate with him.

If the person was in their twenties, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. Any older then that and I’d be wondering why they’re still a virgin. It would put me off dating them.

As long as the person was reasonably presentable, I’d consider it a mitzvah to help them with the virginity thing.

I think the answer may differ widely between gays and straights here – it’s not all that unusual to find a homosexual person [most notably lesbians, IME] to still be a virgin into his/her late to mid-20s, usually resulting from his/her deeply closeted status.

Perhaps this is biased, but I’d find it more odd in a heterosexual person past the mid to late 20s. Not bad or indicative of anything “wrong” with them, just curiously outside the norm.

Matt, your thoughts on that, if you wouldn’t mind?

I consider myself a late bloomer, since I was 22 when it finally happened. Most of my friends started around 16, 17, or at the very least in college. When it comes down to it, losing “the Big V” isn’t a contest or a race. I was very self-conscious and it bothered me for years, but in the end, it really isn’t that big a deal at all. The only problem is that women will expect some degree of expertise from men, so there is definitely a double-standard at work. While some guys fantasize about deflowering female virgins, women seem to want men who know what they’re doing.

It starts getting a little odd in the mid to late twenties, as others have said. But I would hardly consider it a deal-breaker if I was into the guy for more than a quick lay. And if we get to a point where it’s appropriate for him to tell me he’s a virgin, I probably am.

I wouldn’t be put off by chosen virginity at any age. Celibacy is sexy. Virginity because you can’t get laid, OTOH, is never sexy, whether you’re 18 or 38. So it all goes back to the attitude, really. If you seem in control of your situation, great! If you’re not in control (if you haven’t *chosen *to remain a virgin, but you are) than it’s weird after about 25.

Early thirties UrbanChic says a virgin in his or her mid-twenties is a little odd. UrbanChic of ten years ago would say someone in his or her late-teens and early-twenties who hasn’t closed the deal yet is just plain wrong.

As far as the other thread, I have a saying. This is not the University of UrbanChic. Learn it first, then come to me.

Gotta echo the lose it in your late teens preference. I think it’s because I am attracted to people who are curious about sex pretty early on. Curious enough, that is, to experience it that soon.

If you are still a virgin in your mid 20’s… I think we’re going down different roads, sexually speaking.

Mid- to late 20’s, but again, it wouldn’t be an absolute deal-breaker. The question again lies in enthusiasm. When they get to you, are they just anxious to throw off their virginity for any reason & anybody? Or are they genuinely interested in you and what you have to teach?

I think an important point here is that in the other thread we were given the option where the only differentiating status was sexual experience. Obviously, this isn’t the case in real life. While I would prefer someone with experience, if it was someone I liked and was attracted to, it wouldn’t matter. Especially if she was enthusiastic about learning…that’s the most important part.

If a man was deeply religious and saving himself for marriage because of it, I would cut him some slack. But if he was late-twenties and still a virgin for no particular reason, or non-religious but saving himself for the right person? That gets me wondering about him. Add to it anything else unusual and he’s officially weird, in my opinion…

I was 25, and it was simple lack of opportunity. The second I HAD opportunity, I jumped on it! (Or him.)

I would wonder about somebody who was past 30, probably, but it wouldn’t necessarily be an automatic deal-breaker. Of course, if he was a virgin for religious reasons, that would be a death knell to any relationship, seeing as I’m an agnostic pagan UU and I’m sure anybody religious enough to not Do It until their 30s would run away screaming at that idea!

I don’t think it has to be merely religion or saving yourself. I think it is quite possible that some people don’t treat sex casually, and do not need the absolutely, guaranteed right person, but don’t want to have sex with someone they are not extremely comfortable and intimate with. It doesn’t seem that odd a concept to me that some people would not find a person like that in their late teens, early 20s, particuarly if they are aware of how impressionable and short relationships at those ages usually are.

SlyFrog, I have to admit that if that’s the case I start to wonder how high their standards are, that they haven’t found anyone to be comfortable with at that point. Again, it’s not a deal-breaker, but motives are as important as actions.