Virginity: albatross or treasure? Advice needed

In My Humble Opinion
1

Disclaimer: not squeaky clean, but you probably already knew that.

[Hi everyone]
[Hi Bob!]
I’m 25, and still a virgin. Insert “good for you/I can’t fucking believe you haven’t slept with anybody yet” here. Well, for anyone who wonders why, I guess it was a combination of not really caring, and not being particularly motivated (I’ve passed up sex on more than one occasion in the past, although not in the last year or two.)

Being a virgin never particularly bothered me in the past, but now I feel like it’s an obstacle in my way. I’m afraid that any (sexually experienced) woman around my age (i.e., the vast majority) is going to be disinclined to hop in bed with a complete rookie. If she does that, you say, she’s a superficial jerk who wasn’t right for me anyway. Well, that still makes her a superficial jerk who didn’t sleep with me, and didn’t give me any sexual education or gratification.

I guess maybe I should be clearer about my motives. I’d like to have start having semi-regular sex, probably in a semi-serious relationship, but heck, right now I’d settle for just the sex. I’ve got no complaints about my right hand here, but at age 25 a bottle of hand lotion and whackoff.com just aren’t as interesting as they used to be.

So, maybe some people can give me some advice here.

How long does it take to get proficient or good at the act of sex? FWIW, I’ve given head before a couple times (and enjoyed it), that’s the limit of my experience.

Women age 20-30 (or people who can pretend they are), what would you think and/or do, if you went on a few dates with a guy and then found out he was a virgin? Would you feel betrayed if this wasn’t revealed to you until “after the fact”? How much would it hurt or help your willingness to have sex if you knew beforehand that he was a virgin? How completely obvious d’ya think it would it be that I hadn’t been in the sack before, if I didn’t tell you beforehand?

Anyway, thanks for indulging me, and I’ll appreciate any advice you can give me.

P.S.
I searched for a study showing what percentage of US residents had lost their virginity by various ages, but couldn’t find it. If anyone can locate a link to that, I’d be grateful.

2

I’m not a woman, but what I think you should do is tell her, but not until it’s perfectly obvious that you’re going to have sex. Don’t introduce yourself as a virgin, in other words. When you’re starting to get down to business, look slightly apologetic and tell her. If you’re lucky, she’ll cherish the opportunity and you’ll have a better first time than 99% of us get. If you’re really unlucky… well, good luck next time.

3

Feh, some of the horny old broads that I hang with would jump at the chance to do it with a virgin.

Where do you plan on meeting girls? If its a bar and all your looking for is to get laid; then I really wouldn’t worry myself with “how good I was” All you really need is to get yourself broke in. (I’m assuming you don’t really care if your first time is special with someone you’re in love with.)

Just go with your instincs and do what comes natural. As far as how long it takes?
Meh, depends on you I guess. I’m sure I was a pretty lousy lay for the fist year or two… That was only becuase I was too affraid to try anything other than the ol’ missionary or doggie style position. Once I became more confident and willing to try new things, I became alot better. (at least thats what I’m told. heh, heh,)

And for what it’s worth; don’t freak out if you try something and it doesn’t work. its not a big deal at all. (I wish somebady would have told ME that going in)

The only physical advice I’d give you about being good is; if you’re a quick draw McGraw; rub one off the night before you think you might have sex. This way you’ll go alot longer before you …uh… shoot your …uh… Well, you get my point.

Also keep it up with the oral. Women are suckers for the oral!! :stuck_out_tongue:

4

Proficiency, eh? I’d love to see the requalification process.
I’d say most of the physical act of sex is controlled by spinal reflex, so, yeah… just let the instinctual animal rhythm of it all do its thing and just hide inside your head and watch. If you TRY to be good, you probably won’t be. If you don’t try at all, of course, you also won’t be.

As for the albatross/treasure question… it depends why you haven’t had sex yet.
You say you’ve had opportunity, but didn’t take advantage… why?

5

Albatross or treasure? Neither. It’s just part of who you are at the moment, like the color of your eyes, or the way you wear your hair.

How long does it take to get proficient? Depends on natural aptitude, willingness to keep practicing till you get it right, what exactly you’re trying to do, how you define proficient. How long does it take to become a good lover? Well, the most important part of being a good lover is paying attention to what your partner is enjoying or not enjoying, and that’s something you should already have before you ever drop your shorts. It’s certainly not anything anyone can teach you.

What would I do when I found out you were a virgin after a few dates? I’d probably say, “That’s nice, could you pass me the chips?” It wouldn’t help or hurt my willingness to have sex with you. It’s you I’d be wanting to have sex with, not your previous experiences.

Of course you’re going to tell a woman you’re a virgin before you have sex, because you’re a responsible adult and responsible adults have the safe sex/STD testing discussion before leaping between the sheets. In the course of this discussion, you’re going to have to disclose your virginity, because no woman smart enough to bother with is going to believe, “No, really, I’m clean, trust me” without an explanation of how you know you’re clean.

6

Bwaa-haa-haa-haa…
Oh, wait… your’re serious… excuse me while I laugh louder…

Bwaa-haa-haa-haa!

Man that’s rich… “responsible” [/kidding]

OK, I’m done being an ass now. Carry on…

7

Advise a blow-up doll with heaps of KY jelly. You can learn together.

8

Well, you’ll remember losing it, the rest of your life, so you should try and make sure it’s a good experience!

I don’t think women would really mind, personally I’d see it as an opportunity to do some serious teaching.

The one thing is, TELL HER, she’ll be a lot more forgiving and sensitive than if she doesn’t know.

Condoms aren’t optional. You know about you, but not about her, and unless you want a 6-week wait before you do it, and a full STD screen, they’re the way to go.
Make sure it’s a nice girl, you don’t want to be used, and you don’t want to end up using someone else for sex. I’m not saying you have to wait til the 15th date or anything, but at least try and have some genuine feelings there.

9

I didn’t loose mine until I was 20…I spent too long with a girl who turned out to just be a frigid freak (honest!) :eek: …I then spent ages chasing after someone I liked. And she liked me. But we were both embarassed. I was then with her for 6 months before we had sex - although we did just about everything else in the meantime. Somewhere during that time I told her I was a virgin, and a great big horny grin spread across her face. It certainly wasn’t a passion-killer :wink:

Still together four years later :slight_smile:

10

Woman here.

No, I wouldn’t really mind sleeping with a virgin-it’s kind of flattering because it would make me feel special.

I also wouldn’t mind if I was told or not, i.e. I wouldn’t feel cheated if I just found out during the actual fun. What Priceguy said that you should only bring it up once you’re pretty it’s going to happen is very right. If you bring it up before you risk coming across either desperate or like you’re only interested in the sex.

Yes, I’d probably notice it was your first time.

One last thing. Even though it is a big deal, in a way it is not. :slight_smile:

Can’t speak for all womankind, but that’s what my feelings on the matter would be.

11

I agree with pretty much everything in the above-quoted post, but especially the line I left in. It’s only a Big Deal if you think it is. If you regard virginity as something sacred or special, then “losing your virginity” will probably have much more meaning in retrospect, which could be good or bad depending on how it went. If you treat it more like “well, I haven’t had sex yet” the first time will still be special to some extent, but probably a lot less stressful. I have trouble dealing with the concept of it really - you’re not losing a thing, IMO.

I think most people, men or women, are kind of pleased at being able to “teach” someone when they learn that their sex partner isn’t experienced. It’s sort of like, “Well, let’s make this one to remember!” That’s assuming that you’ve found yourself a partner who cares about your needs, mind you. It’s probably better to be open about not being experienced also because some women might not interpret it as that, but as something like “not very good at it” or “why the heck am I freaking him out?”

12

I’d like to bring up something that you might not know (not having first-hand experience with sex and all).

Sex is funny.

Really, it is!

If something silly or even bizarre happens, it’s okay to laugh. Also the reverse works, funny is sexy.

I wish someone had told me that before my first time. I took it way to seriouslt and didn’t have much fun. I’ve since learned better.

13

nodding along with everyone.

been with a couple, knew about it ahead of time, and we just had fun with it once I had more confidence in teaching and sharing.

14

Ok hold the presses:

Am I missing something here? I thought “giving head” was the proper nomenclature for giving a BJ…not cunnilingus? Am I wrong?
Look RadioactiveGayBabyWhale - us psych profs may be a bit over analytical at times but are talking about having sex for the first time with a male or female? And you are…???

15

Female, didn’t have sex until I was 25, would have no problem with a virgin. I’ve been there too. :slight_smile:

16

42 yo virgin here & even I know ‘head’ includes fellatio & cunnilingus L

Head is head! Ya do it with your head! G

17

34 year old non-virgin here. Sorry, I thought there was a difference. My mind does not usually go too far into the gutter but I thought there was a dif between Going down and Giving head? My bad…

Carry on.

18

Women age 20-30 (or people who can pretend they are), what would you think and/or do, if you went on a few dates with a guy and then found out he was a virgin?

It wouldn’t bother me. I’d probably think something like “Wow. This guy must have a good head on his shoulders and a lot of self-control to wait for someone he really cares about. That’s pretty cool.”

Would you feel betrayed if this wasn’t revealed to you until “after the fact”?

Not betrayed, but I’d still like to know beforehand. Although I can’t articulate why.

How much would it hurt or help your willingness to have sex if you knew beforehand that he was a virgin?

It wouldn’t make any difference.

How completely obvious d’ya think it would it be that I hadn’t been in the sack before, if I didn’t tell you beforehand?

I’ve been with a virgin, and it wasn’t obvious.

19

I’m a guy, and it sounds like you have a really good attitude toward the whole thing. Becoming a good lover is pretty simple, as long as you:

  1. want to learn/improve
  2. pay attention to how your partner responds
  3. don’t freak out, both beforehand or when things don’t go perfectly

It’s all about enthusiasm and a willingness to learn. You sound like you’ve got all three nailed, so to speak, so you’ll be fine.

Don’t worry about what women will think about you being a virgin. Most women don’t care or are flattered by the idea (as evidenced by previous responses in this thread). And as a guy, just being enthusiastic about giving head already puts you in the top 25%. If you try to get good at it, you’ll be in the top 1% before you know it. Being really good at oral sex trumps everything else, in my opinion.

20

At work, I often heard people griping that “every time I get a new boss, I’ve gotta train the boss. He/she get more money than I, but I know more about the job than the boss.”

I just had a mental picture of one of those folks saying, “Dammit, I just got married, and I find out it’s the same thing all over again!”