…that I don’t want my first sexual experience to be with a woman who has already been with another guy? Especially since about 75% of women my age have already lost their virginity (I’m 18)?
It may sound really stupid, but it’s something I plan to do everything in my power to avoid. Which will most likely mean ending many potential relationships before they ever even happen. I have incredibly low confidence and esteem as it is, and knowing that a woman has already had sex with someone else is something I won’t be able to deal with mentally.
Personally, I think that’s a beautiful philosophy. I fully intend to marry a virgin (in both senses–I hope my husband will be a virgin, and I certainly will be). I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
My first time was with another virgin. It was great.
I don’t mean it felt great… but we were able to giggle nervously, fumble through it, then look at each other and ask “is that all there is?” (first time was very short and ummmm just very brief)
i felt really comfortable with him. i’m still friends with him now, some 10 years later, and we can still look back on it with good feelings and giggles to boot.
however you are most comfortable, i think that is the way to go.
Your preference for your first time to be with a fellow virgin is fine, but I worry at this portion of your post. Are you saying that you want a fellow virgin solely because your self-esteem is low, and you want someone who won’t know whether or not you’re good in bed? (No, I’m not saying that in a mean way…)
I can’t speak for all girls in their late teens (your age group), but when I was your age I wasn’t a virgin anymore (had sex when I was 17) but I wasn’t exactly a seasoned professional or anything. I was still shy and nervous, and I definitely wasn’t “worldly” or very experienced.
I mean, unless you’re also excluding non-virgins on moral grounds or something like that, I don’t think it’s necessary to automatically exclude non-virgins thinking they’ll be holding you up to some unreachable standard.
Is it actually 75% of women your age who aren’t virgin :eek:? That sounds like a major exaggeration! I must’ve been pretty naive at your age (only four years ago).
I guess you could say it has to do with moral grounds. Basically my overactive imagination would cause me to picture the girl with a previous boyfriend if she has had one, and thats something that would torment me to think about.
I want my first time to be as special as possible, and if the girl I’m with has already been with someone else, it won’t be.
Soapbox… that sounds like something more serious that a moral dilemma to me.
I’m afraid that penchant for picturing your SO with previous boyfriends will lead you down a very bad road. Please try to deal with this as deep seated jealousy will most likely ruin every relationship eventually. You’re 18 and odds are so is she. She’s probably had a boyfriend or two… is just the thought of her having kissed someone else going to torment you also?
That said, I lost my virginity to my now husband. He was also a virgin and while it was special it was also awkward. First times always are. Think of the first time you rode a bike without training wheels! Would it have been less special if one of us had done this before? I don’t know but probably not… the experience wasn’t a competition for who had the best technique. It certainly wasn’t about our exes either… it was just us sharing that moment.
Umm…tanookie, you’re comparing riding a bicycle to sex? Although I have no experience in the latter, I know full well that the two are entirely different.
Even comparing kissing to sex is something that I see as being somewhat absurd. Kissing is the locking of lips to show affection, where as sex is…well…much much more than that.:o
All I meant with the bicycle comment is that when you first do something it can be awkward…
And I know kissing is not sex… What I do know is that if you are tormented by thoughts of your lady friend with some other guy then you need to examine that. It is not a moral thing it is a jealousy thing. I was asking this because I wondered exactly where you drew this particular line. Can she have kissed someone and not have that torment you? What if they’ve done “everything but intercourse” You can examine the rest for yourself.
There is a clear line between sex and kissing. But I don’t draw the line at intercourse, thus making “everything but intercourse” acceptable. Basically any sexual contact of any would probably make me hesitate from entering into a relationship, and that includes oral sex, hand jobs, etc.
And I wouldn’t call it jealousy so much as just complete and utter terror and mortification at the thought that my girlfriend has already done that with someone.
It’s not a concern for when we are actually having sex. It’s something I will think about much much sooner, so it won’t be something I think about “while in the throes of passion.” There won’t be any passion because there will most likely be no relationship to begin with.
IMHO, this insecurity thing is runaway and stampeding everything before it.
in all honesty, now: if these thoughts are going to torment you so horrendously if you know your potential GF “knew” some other guy in ANY physical sense whatsoever[ul]
a) why would you ask her about her history, down to the details, and
b) even if she assures you she’s as pure as the driven snow, ARE YOU LIKELY TO BELIEVE HER? (and i’m not implying that’s she’s lying, either.)[/ul]
seriously, i think you are majorly wrapping yourself around the axle here. you seem like you’re setting the bar impossibly high just for the entrance audition. is this really because the thought of someone who you are ostensibly developing a fondness for (or at least a physical attraction to) might have some experience you lack? or is it more an insurance policy that guarantees no female will ever “qualify” to get close enough to you?
I worry that you won’t only have this problem with the girl you have your first sexual experience with - after all, what if it doesn’t work out and you break up? Will you want your second girlfriend to be a virgin as well? Sure, this woman might have been with some other guy before - but she’s not, now.
I suspect you might well benefit from asking yourself, honestly, some of the questions that others are asking here (lachesis’ among them), and perhaps even seek out a professional’s help on it. You admitted to having low self-esteem, and learning how to honestly raise that will be a big help for you in general.
And if this preference does extend to second/third girlfriends, Soapbox Monkey (great username, BTW :)), how would it make you feel if you finally met someone amazing and she walked away from a potential relationship with you based solely on the fact that you’re not a virgin, and she can’t bear thinking about what you’ve already done with other women? (Not trying to be judgmental–it’s just something to think about.)
Maybe the girl of your dreams wants you to be experienced so you can show her the ropes (so to speak). Then you’re gonna be standing there all virginny not knowing what the hell to say.
It sounds like you’re expecting more from a virgin besides sex. Is this a precursor to your personal belief that this girl will be with you forever? As for your lack of self esteem, if you’ve had it for some time I think the starting of resolution on this problem would make you feel better emotionally. If you really want a virgin, then you’ll wait until one comes around. If you become a horny young man there is something to settle this condition. If having sex with a non-virgin will make you think of her partners and thus make you miserable, you must ask yourself is this worth it.
My advice is get it over with and then get as much as you can.
I waited til I was almost 20. Then for years after that I was still focused on “love” and “romance” and having a relationship. Also, I hated the fact that a guy can’t get laid if he is sweet and sincere. I refused to play the game.
Now I’m thirty-three, married and kicking myself every day when I think about all the missed opportunities. I see all those 16-20 year old girls now and just want to weep.
Three things to remember
(1) There is a HUGE difference between the average 18-year-old girl’s body and the average 30-year-old woman’s body. Enjoy it now while you can.
(2) Whatever you do, wear a condom. Wear two condoms.
(3) All’s fair in love and war. … And sex. Say anything, do anything to get the goods.
