There have been a few sex-related threads, so this may be a good opportunity to get some input on a subject that nags at me.
As a sexual violence survivor, my “first time” was very painful and had unpleasent long term effects. (Feeling damaged, self injury, falling into an abusive relationship, etc.) There are times that I wonder what would have happen if my introduction to sex was different.
How do you Dopers feel about virginity? Do you think that people should wait for a “special someone” or marriage?
I don’t necessarily see the loss of virginity as all that different from first-time encounters with any new partner. The very first time can be emotional and stressful, and so there should definitely be a supportive loving relationship around it, instead of its being just a quick encounter, but that’s just my opinion. And the relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be a marriage. I just think that there has to be love and trust involved, and since I think that can exist outside of marriage… well… bring it on.
Long story short: sex, to me, isn’t something to share with just anyone, and there has to be love and a level of trust between me and a partner before I’ll let anything happen, whether it’s the first time or the thousandth.
Pretty much what Antigen said. I don’t think I’ve experienced anything quite as painful as my first breakup with a sexual partner. There is a certain level of intimacy achieved that makes it pretty much a divorce, even if you haven’t lived together. As a protective measure, you want to make sure you’re with someone that won’t screw you over emotionally once the relationship ends. That is, of course, if you have the choice.
I hate to resort to platitudes, but reltionships are difficult enough and once you bring sex into it, matters are inevitably complicated. I would advise any kids of mine to wait until they thought they were with someone special, so that even if the relationship itself didn’t last, the memory of the experience could be one they would remember fondly.
I think virginity is something we’re all born with. Whether or not you’ve been able to cling to it through all of life’s twists and bumps until your marriage is important primarily from a cultural context. In my culture virginity doesn’t much matter. Keeping sexual activity within the confines of any agreements you have with a partner though, that’s a big deal.
As for your particular situation I can’t see it bugging me at all in the sense that I might feel like you’re missing something I expect. Sure, I’d want to make sure I could handle any baggage you might be carrying around because of it, but I’d be more interested in how consistently you’re going to adhere to a mutually respectful relationship hencforth than where you’ve been.
What I mean is–if I had to choose betwen someone with a hymen and someone who’s going to bring me a beer when I wasn’t thinking about one, will play with my cats, and who can play a mean game of darts, well…the hymen’s gonna remain intact.
I’m sorry about your experience, and I’ll understand if you prefer not to answer, but how old were you when you were raped? Was it your first real sexual contact?
I ask because I never considered my first vaginal intercourse my “introduction to sex”, it was simply a point on a continuum, and if anything, closer to a *graduation * to sex.
I’ve always hated the term “lose your virginity”. I didn’t *lose * it, I know exactly where I left it. Frankly, I was dying to be rid of it. I’ve gained way more from having sex than I “lost” when I stopped being a virgin.
16 and it was my first sexual contact of any kind. (No dates in High School. I was rather unpopular.)
The “point on a continuum” is interesting. During my adolescence I lived in the town that’s the international headquarters of Focus on the Family. Saving yourself for marriage was a big thing. (I used to joke that I got into advanced biology class so I could learn about sex.) As a teenager, I was curious about sex but I was told that sex was bad and sex outside of marriage was a ticket to hell. For a while, I thought the rape was “punishment” for my curiousity - doing “bad” things like masterbating, etc.
I also thought that since I was no longer a virgin, no one would want me in a sexual way. I had this strange notion that men/boys only wanted virgins.
I have had sex with exactly one person, and I’ve been married to him for 16 years and counting. First time was before we were married or even engaged, in fact only a few months after we met. I was 21 and just felt that both the time and the person were right.
I’d had a couple of previous opportunities to tear one off, and I’m oh so glad I didn’t. Quite positive I would have regretted it. Even if Mr. S and I hadn’t worked out for some reason, I don’t think I would have regretted giving it up to him instead of one of those other man-skanks.
On preview, I have always felt like I’m missing some sort of life experience by not having any ex-lovers. Or even boyfriends that I didn’t have sex with. Mr. S is and was it. So I’ve never broken up with anyone. I feel lucky and . . . sheltered? . . . at the same time. Sort of like someone who’s never known what it’s like to be broke. Seems like everyone should have that experience. (This is not to say that I’ve never known misery – I’ve experienced that in spades.)
I think as a society (primarily meaning the US), we make way too big a deal of it. Sex is a natural thing and needing to define yourself by if you’ve had it or not is a tiny thing in the grand scheme of life.
Hey man, I almost lost an eye because my dad couldn’t wait for my mom to give birth! :eek:
But as to the OP… Dunno, my first time was in a stable, loving relationship. I’m not female so perhaps there is less of an idea of “loss” but I can honestly say that I can’t recall my first time in any particular detail. It wasn’t amazing, special, frightening, nor much of anything else but a romp in the sheets.
I personally wouldn’t want to have sex with someone I wasn’t romantically interested in, but I don’t think virginity should require you to find someone any more special than someone special enough that you would want to get naked with and poke about in one anothers’ bodies.
To me, virginity was nothing special. I was 19 at the time and had been dating my boyfriend (if you could him that then) for a week. It would have been sooner, but I had my period. We were having a two week fling and I never considered not sleeping with him. Other than the fact that it hurt a lot, it was nothing. Granted that whole fling thing didn’t work, we’ve been living together for a year, but I wasn’t planning on that then, it just sort of happened.
I never considered waiting for marriage because I’m bisexual and had some lingering doubts that I even liked men (which have been dispelled), but what if on my wedding night I found out there was a reason for those lingering doubts … that would have been bad for all envolved.
In literature I’ve run across a concept I find interesting with regard to virginity: a kind of sexual mentor, who teaches the young one the ins and outs of sexuality. Some of the advantages of thise would be: a no-pressure first time, no emotional anguish that would inevitably come when that first relationship broke up (as there is no actual long term relationship expected), and just generally a good experience - so many of us had first experiences that ranged from middling to horrible.
I doubt it would work as well in real life. In these stories the mentor was a cultural norm, for instance, people who were trusted not to take advantage of their younger partner. In our culture, an older person who takes up with a younger one is automatically assumed to be some sort of predator.
This post by JThunder pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject. I’m waiting and that’s as completely my business as anyone else’s sex life is their business.
I don’t consider it anything special. I waited until I was 19 only because that’s what I thought I ‘should’ do. Looking back, I’d much rather have taken advantage of opportunities presented to me earlier so I could have had more fun at a younger age, and not gotten so drawn into the wonder and mystery of the ‘first time.’ It sucked. It was boring and I didn’t particularly enjoy myself. But it paved the way to bigger (heh) and better things.
