For men: thoughts on dating virgins?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is inspired by another thread concerning losing one’s virginity at a, ahem, riper age than most. I’m 21 and counting, although I hide it. I’m trying to become more confident with this whole dating thing, and I’m getting there, but I’m nervous about my sexual status being, well, off-putting.

I guess my question is, guys, if you found out the girl you had your eye on is a virgin, how would you feel? Would it be a dealbreaker, would you assume that you won’t get any until gulp marriage? Would you guess that something’s wrong with her? Assuming everything else is equal, are you less excited at the prospect of sex with her than with someone a little more experienced? Or would it not make a difference?

2

I personally (though I’m engaged, so my POV might be skewed by the fact that I’m not as desperate as your average single guy might be) would take it on an individual basis. Would I assume you were waiting for Mr. Right or marriage? Most likely not … unless, for example, I had been introduced to you by someone who knew you at a conservative church (their members have a greater likelihood, it is my experience, of waiting until marriage, or at least intending to do so). But sometimes you don’t find the right guy (or any guy, depending), sometimes you go on birth control and find it does wonky things to you and you’d rather not take the risk with another method of prevention, so not having sex is worth the lack of risk of little feet.

IOW, it wouldn’t affect me either way initially. Once I found out the reasons (this is not something I think I’d press, though of course I wouldn’t change the subject any and every time you brought it up) then things might change. I personally changed from “no sex before marriage” to “no sex before marriage isn’t the right thing for me”, so I’ve been on both sides (and how many things for which THAT’s the case:D). So if I were dating someone who was a NSBM person, that might enter into thoughts about permanency of relationship; I don’t want to pressure anyone into having sex before they’re ready, and at the same time I don’t like the thought of someone thinking they’re denying me - for any reason. IME most people who decide to wait until marriage do so for religious reasons, and as such any person who adhered to that religion would probably disagree with me on too many things for a serious relationship to be viable.

So I guess to answer your question fully … it would depend on the person:)

3

I’ll be very honest here – my first (genetic) reaction would be “damn, I’m not getting any tonight, or the next, or the next.” HOWEVER – if I liked the girl already – her being a virgin would add more than it would take away (also genetic I’d wager). So – call me an “animal” – but call me honest. And the lesson to women is this – never sleep with a guy on the first date to get his attention. You may “get his attention” – but not in the way you want.

4

Are you fucking KIDDING ME!? Virginity being a deal breaker? Quite the opposite. More like the answer to my prayers. :stuck_out_tongue:

I’m a virgin myself, so being able to lose my virginity to another virgin would be preferable. I’ll take a virgin please. :smiley:

5

I personally would have no idea what to do with a virgin. I’d probably see you more as a little sister than anything else.

But that’s just me. I’m a virle man and prefer women who are total sluts in the bedroom.

That being said; since I do see you as a little sis so to speak I feel compeled to give you advice which I’m sure you already know:

WHATCH OUT FOR WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING!

By that I mean there are alot of guys out there that hear the word virgin and immediately, they will say and do anything to get said girl. Furthermore, when your dating guys you are under NO obligation to tell them that you are a virgin. Untill of course YOU feel the time is right to do so.

So yeah try not to advertise your a virgin so you can avoid the afore mentioned wolves I spoke of.

BTW: That “sluts in the bedroom” remark is just me and I’m anything but typical so don’t think all guys are like that.

6

Having been there, done that, I can tell you the response of my soon-to-be ex-husband…

I was, at least as far as de-flowering goes, considerably older than you when I lost my virginity at 24. He’d been with one other person, his ex-wife. He’d also known me for a while and my reasons for remaining so… religion.

Well, by the time I decided to “do the deed”, he had issues with being my first. I, on the other hand, was all ready to go. :slight_smile:

So, considering your age, I definitely think you’d be alright and most guys would be more than thrilled. If not, at the very most, they’d probably just be extra cautious. You know, that you’re really ready and you specifically are sure that you’d prefer to pass this task on to them, etc. I know that since my status was pretty common knowledge, many men seemed to be turned on by the idea (But who knows why? ::: wonders while staring off into space :::slight_smile: and desired it for the conquest value. Of course, I’m sure you understand that those types of fellows are usually to be avoided.

Anyway, you are not a freak IMHO and should just proceed along until you know in your heart it’s the right time. Don’t worry about anyone else but yourself and it’ll be all good.

Best of luck!

7

Dealbreaker? Nah, can’t imagine why it would be…

I suppose it might be an issue if you were planning on waiting until marriage… but I dunno…that’d be a case by case basis…

FYI, I’m a fellow virgin…we should start some kind of SDMB club, lol

8

Well it would be a few dates before I even knew and it would be pot luck from there. The prospect of being her first would keep me interested for a while but I guess would depend on how much fun we were having otherwise. Deal breaker…not for a fair while at least, but if marriage wasn’t a prospect eventually a non-virgin would steal me away.

9

Interesting. Looking back a ways (my dating days being a whole lotta years behind me, now) I’d have to agree with iampunha. It really is an individual thing.

I dated three virgins, that I’m positive about, at least. Without getting into the lurid details, the very first one and I lost our virginity together, one wasn’t even interested in fooling around, and the third wanted to wait for marriage, as far as actual coitus goes. Out of a sample group of three, I think I covered all the bases.
[sub]No pun intended.[/sub]

I felt pretty much the same emotionally towards all three, so I’d say, no, it’s not a dealbreaker. I was interested in, and involved with, all three of them before the subject of sex beyond “making out” was ever discussed. (We’re talking high school years here, though. Give that what weight you will.)

I’ll admit that the second time was the shortest of the three relationships. I was young, dumb, and had a lot more active hormones than she did, I guess. But I didn’t date her for a week, then kick her to the curb when she wouldn’t put out, either.

Being experienced, and being good at it, for lack of a better term, are not mutually inclusive. I can only speak for m’self, but my excitement at the idea of sex with someone was based a lot more on how attracted I was to her (emotionally, physically etc etc) than on how good or bad she might potentially be at the act.
Consider too the old gag, “Even the worst sex is still pretty damn good.”
Is this helping, or even making sense, at all?

10

Me having no experience myself, it’d ease my stress about the whole situation knowing that the girl has no experience as well, so no, most definately not a dealbreaker. I would be no less excited about sex with her than with someone who has experience.\

Would I be worried that I wouldn’t get any untill marriage? No, it wouldn’t matter to me if I had to wait. I won’t lie though, if the girl was all gung ho for sex, I’d be more than happy to oblige her.

11

I’m a gay male, so my input might not necessarily be dead-on in this instance, but I suppose there isn’t an awful lot of difference.

I am rather uncomfortable dating virgins, but it’s far from a dealbreaker. I have been with several people who had not had sex before, and the only concern was that I had to be careful to take into account that, for the other person, this was a very new and emotionally charged experience. As long as you’re up front about it, I don’t see how it would be much of a problem. YMMV.

-Kody

12

I feel special :cool:

Why would it be a dealbreaker? :confused: If I like a woman, it’s her mind and character that I like. Whether she is a virgin or not has no bearing on that.

Experience cuts both ways.

13

If she was waiting until marrige, that’s a dealbreaker. Otherwise, it doesn’t really make a difference. Someone with experience is fun, but being with someone who’s an enthusiastic newbie would be fun too. Helping her learn to enjoy it would be very enjoyable.

14

Not a dealbreaker. I lost my virginity with a girl who was also a virgin at the time, and it was she who had to convince me to finally go all the way. I understand reticence. I’ve also had a relationship where I feel we slept together far too early and things… well, sort of fell apart after that.

The relationship has to be good apart from the sex, really. If it’s not, you’re in trouble.

15

Also not a dealbreaker for me UNLESS the person is adamant about remaining a virgin until marriage. If that was a strongly held principle of hers then I wouldn’t feel right about pressuring her to violate it, whereas I myself definitely would want to have sex with her before even considering marriage or before getting too far along in the relationship.

Also, I would be wary of “dating” a virgin if it seemed like she might be extremely concerned with her virginity and the loss thereof – i.e., if losing her virginity would be a hugely emotionally traumatic thing for her. It would probably make me feel like we’re not on the same emotional playing field, and if that’s the case I don’t think I’d enjoy the relationship.

16

not a deal breaker. However, if you like the guy, you might want to let him know that you’re not ready to do the deed now but it’s not a wait until marriage thing either.

One woman that I fell for head over heels for was in her late 20’s. Not a virgin but only one previous boyfriend. I initally thought she was being the world’s biggest tease. Later as I knew her better and found out I was boyfriend number 2, her reactions made sense not as a tease but as someone unconfident and inexperienced.

So a heads up that you want something special but not necessarily a ring before changing your status just might help the situation…

17

I’m not a guy, but my two of my best friends didn’t lose their virginities until they were 22 and 23 respectively. They did it in quite different ways. The first was desperate to lose the virgin tag and just had a one night stand to get it out of the way. The second waited until she was in a relationship. Both are now perfectly happy in relationships. I’m not quite sure what the moral of this story is, but both have said that once they explained their reasons for still being virgins (entirely fluke), the men in question were gentle and understanding. I definitely think that you should tell whoever you decide to sleep with eventually that you’re a virgin and have some kind of frank discussion about it, but doing so very early on would be a little odd. I don’t think any guy would be turned off by it as such, if anything they’d feel a little pressured to have such responsibility on them, but they would like to know.

18

I was 25 when I finally did the deed, due to simple lack of opportunity. He was real sweet about it. It seems only fair to let somebody know before you actually climb in bed with them – I, for one, needed him to be real patient and gentle (THAT time, anyway).

I don’t think being a late virgin is quite as uncommon as people think. How many of the people in high school who claimed to be having sex were trustworthy, after all?

19

If I’m already dating someone with whom sex is at least a genuine possibility, we’ve advanced enough in the relationship that the girl being a virgin isn’t a big deal. If I want to date someone, it’s not because of that person’s sexual experience. Now, if you had asked the question “Would you rather have sex with a virgin or not a virgin?” that would be a little bit different. In the context of an actual relationship, though, it’s certainly not a deal-breaker. In some ways, it’s sort of nice to be with the good girl, and the first time creates a real bond emotionally.

Besides being a virgin, you mean? I kid, I kid. I certainly wouldn’t assume anything’s wrong with her. Most of us are born virgins.

At any other time except right then, no difference. At that exact moment, probably, only because sex with a virgin (especially if I’m not a virgin) isn’t exactly going to be about me- not that it should, but hell, you wanted the honest answer. It’s a little different animal that very first time. Anytime before and after the actual first encounter, it’s not a big deal.

One other thing, though, which I see whiterabbit beat me to- don’t lie about it. Don’t lie about anything you have or haven’t done, because the benefits of having someone think you’ve done this or that are simply not worth the disadvantages. If the guy is expecting a veteran, and you’re just not a veteran, that’s setting both of you up for disappointment. Be honest, and if that turns the guy off, you don’t want your first time to be with him anyway.

20

Sex should never be the deal breaker.

It should be an enhancer to the relationship.
and then when you’ve been married awhile, it is a negotiating tool …did I say that outloud? I’ve just broke the rule of the All Girl Club. :slight_smile: