Well, it was never an issue for me. I doubt it would have been off-putting, though.
But, let’s turn it around. For (hetero) women, would it be a dealbreaker or red flag if a man was still a virgin at an age customarily higher than most? Let’s say, hypothetically, the man was in his late 20s or early 30s and still a virgin? I had sex for the first time at 28, and as my twenties went on, I became increasingly self-conscious about my lack of experience in this area. It was kind of circular - I was self-conscious and insecure because of my virginity, which reduced my self-confidence in dating, which in turn perpetuated my virginity.
I’m a woman, and I don’t think I’d want to date a virgin. Part of dating is having sex, so if there’s no possibility of it unless I marry the guy, it’s a dealbreaker. I just couldn’t deal with that kind of frustration.
I’m not going to waste my sexual prime not having sex. That is all.
Well, somebody’s got to date the virgins or it’s going to be a permanent state, right? I’m sure you can find some volunteers. Not what I’d be looking for if I were looking, but I have to go with punha on it would depend on you.
I should clarify. By “virgin,” I mean one who has never had sex, not necessarily one who has a “no sex until marriage” clause. Since I asked the question and am using me as an example, that means “never had another person touch their naughty bits except for medical examination purposes.” Someone who has “morals” or “hang-ups” (depending on your perspective) about pre-marital sex is a much different question.
For example, I was a 28 year old virgin, but it definitely wasn’t because I didn’t want to have sex or because I had a moral objection to sex without marriage.
Hah, I expected all the girls responding to say something along the lines of “It doesn’t matter about sex, it’s all about love!” and then you have Indygrrl throwing a curve ball out there
I was considerably older when I lost my virginity with my GF (we were both virgins and I was 24, she was 26). I don’t know why people place such importance on virginity. Since I wouldn’t date a very religious person, sex after marriage has never come up (then again, some of my more religious friends (catholics!) have also lost their virginity well before I did).
I guess it could be a deal breaker depending on what’s sought in the relationship. If the guy (typically but not always) is looking for sex and the women is looking for love, it’s not going to work out. I guess the best thing about being a virgin is having a great excuse about not putting out, at least ont he first few dates . It’s a fairly easy way of screening your dates.
I think I’d only be put off by it if it was by a girl saving herself for marriage for religious reasons, mostly because I don’t subscribe to the “sex is evil unless it’s for procreation in marriage” theory…mostly because the relationship isn’t going to make it to engagement/marriage anyway with the religious differences.
I had a summer relationship with a virgin, and when she went off to school in August, there was simply no interest in her part in sex, and by the time the idea did roll around around Thanksgiving, the relationship was worn to a nub anyway due to the long distance.
Right. 'cause 21 is, like, aged. Uh-huh. Send in for that AARP card!
(Sorry, but never mind virginity, the idea that 21 is “too old” for anything just rubs this 42-y/o the wrong way… )
Well, that depends on what is the “deal” , doesn’t it?
Well, just assuming that (or ANY other reason for it) would be mighty pretentious of me; it’s something she would have to actually tell me. At which time the decision would have to be based on the fullness of information and on the current circumstances. What if she’s a catch that I’m willing to wait for? ( OTOH if person A is looking to get it on and Person B is not, or A is looking for lifetime commitment and B is not, it is right and honest and does neither wrong to stop wasting each other’s time and seek more compatible people.) BTW, there is a difference between being a virgin, which is a simple fact of life, and being celibate, which is a conscious decision.
Not on account of virginity qua virginity. Like someone said above, everyone is born a virgin. The idea that there is some sort of civic duty to become sexually active as soon as there is opportunity and means is fallacious. If celibacy’s due to religious or moral conviction, late-blooming, or just never having met Mr. Right, that is fully respectable and it’s not my place to make any assumptions about anything being “wrong” with that.
Um, I would not call it “less excited” as much as “more cautious”. It is a burden of responsibility that I (or generic guy X) may approach more gingerly in one case or another. As to “more experienced”, an “eager-to-learn enthusiastic beginner” in the right circumstances can be more fun than a jaded veteran.
Yet another spin - I’m a guy who happens to be a virgin, mostly because I’m something of a religious fanatic who believes in waiting for marriage. (And I’m 25 - shocking, isn’t it? ) No, a woman’s virginity (or lack thereof) would not be a deal-breaker for me.
A girlfriend of mine was a virgin, though that was partly due to circumstances: she was in her 20s, but never dated. I made it clear that I wouldn’t pressure her and that we would only have sex if she was 100% sure. It had no effect on our relationship.
Never having dated, or, consequently, had sex with a virgin*, I’ve always thought it would be quite exciting and an honor to be a woman’s first. I’m not hung up on ‘breaking the maidenhead’ or anything ridiculous like that, but I think it would be pretty special for a woman to pick me to be her first, and I’d enjoy helping her discover the joys of the entire experience and avoid acquiring any hangups about her sexuality or having sex.
All the women I’ve slept with have brought at least a little previous experience to the table. But being a little experienced is far from any guarantee that the sex with her/him is going to be good–there are plenty of non-virgins running around who, for one reason or another, still seem not to have learned how to do it. For that reason as well, I wouldn’t have any problem being with a virgin. Because experience doesn’t equate with quality.
*Come to think of it, “having sex with a virgin” seems pretty oxymoronic to me. Upon penetration, s/he’s no longer a virgin so you’re having sex with a new non-virgin.
Better than I would if I found out she was a lesbian.
No.
Yes, unless she indicated that it wasn’t a “saving herself” thing.
No. Why would I? Especially at 21? If she was clear that she wasn’t “saving herself,” then I would assume that she was either shy or hadn’t felt the circumstances were right yet. Neither of those are a problem.
Yes, the thought of “doing it” with a virgin is an exciting thought. It is also off-putting inasmuch as there is a lot of expectation to live up to, and the concern that she may not really know her body and lack the sort of confidence that makes it more enjoyable.
I guess for me the whole thing boils down to why you are a virgin. If you are “saving yourself” for marriage, then you might want to bring it up–not early, but before sex is really on the table. It would be wrong, IMO, to keep that information hidden for a long time.
OTOH, if you are a virgin just because you’re shy or haven’t felt right about it yet, but you aren’t specifically waiting until marriage, then I’d not bring it up until sex was on the table. You aren’t withholding information that many men who subscribe to a sex-before-marriage ethic could reasonably expect to be apprised of earlier on in the relationship. From the OP, I’m guessing that this describes you. Having waited until the question comes up naturally, you are just making the same decision that more experienced women make: Do I want to do it with this guy? Now you can discuss it with him, or not; make your concerns known, or not; etc. Heck, you might not want to mention it at all! It’s up to you. Maybe you’ll only want to tell him after the fact.
Regardless, don’t worry. I would just advise that you don’t bring it up until sex becomes a real possibility. If you do it before that, he’ll be wondering why and what does it imply. I think that by waiting to tell, you make it a more natural part of the sex & romance, rather than a stress-grenade coming out of the blue. And when you do tell, you might want to follow it with the fact that you just haven’t had the right opportunity.
If you’re waiting for marriage, then I think you should bring it up earlier, but not right off the bat.
Lastly, one doesn’t make the first time special. It’s special because it’s the first time. So don’t worry about all that.
(It reminds me of an episode of Third Rock from the Sun when the landlord said something to the effect, “That was the third time I lost my virginity.”)
) No, a woman’s virginity (or lack thereof) would not be a deal-breaker for me.