Am I being a fool (conserning my virginity)

In My Humble Opinion
1

This may get a little long, so if you want to skip the background story, feel free to jump to the end. To get a better understanding of what’s going on, here goes:

My name is Elvis and I am a 23 year old virgin. I’m still debating about how much of that is by choice.

I’ve dated a good number of girls, but only gotten heavily involved with a few, and only cared about two of them enough to make them legitimate “girlfriends.” The first was my druing junior/senior years of high school, the second ended about eight months ago. In highschool, like all guys, I wanted to get laid. Moving around a lot, attending all boys Catholic schools, and being a social outcast made this hard for the first, oh, 17 years of my life. my sophomore year, I moved to Beaumont, TX, and after two years, finally found someone. We went to the same Catholic high school and the same church. I was president of my youth group and her mom was very involved and close to the priests, so needless to say, this the first big relationship for us both, we were very intimidated in trying much. But, I did get a good handle on boobies, so I was happy. Senior year, it ended bad. VERY bad. After school special kinda bad. One day while looking at her in discust, a number of occassions popped into my head where I realized had I been paying attention, I could have attained my much desired goal getting laid. To my shock, I said outloud to myself: “I almost had sex with THAT?”
It was at this point I realized that just maybe, there’s something more to this sex thing than sticking it in and wiggling it around. The idea hit me that, what if we had had sex, and the sex I had with this person who I no longer even considered human was better than the sex I will one day have with my wife. It would destroy me. So, I opted to wait until marriage.
A few years later, I realized I’d grown up a bit and matured some, and that no matter what, bad sex with my wife would be bad sex, but hopefully something she wouldn’t be too scared of working on till it got perfect. So, that and the premise that 1) I’ll most likely never marry a virgin, and 2) marriage is no longer the life long testiment of love it used to be, the concept of waiting till marriage filtered out of my head. But the romance of it was still there, so I decided I would wait till I was in love, she felt the same for me, and it would be this great, wonderful thing.
So, I continued dating, but never once did sex become an idea for me. For me, kissing was great, boobies were fantastic, and thanks to dear Robyn, I learned the joys of oral sex (hey, if I’m going to be holding off on practicing the real thing, I might as well have something to bring to the dessert table, no?). Robyn brought up the topic a bit here and there, but I didn’t love her or care for her enough to venture that far, so I kept practicing my other skills until eventually things went sour and I ended it.
The day that ended, I met my next ex. :slight_smile: After three months of courting, we made it official, and after a good two months of incredibly good times, I one night brought up the topic of sex with her. She said she’d want to wait till she could save up enough to get some birth control her parents couldn’t find out about, and I left it at that. I spent the next month searching myself, tearing my soul apart and asking myself “Do I truly love this girl, or am I just looking for a guilt free way of getting laid?” After a month of hard core digging and denying and searching again, the answer was finally clear: Yes, I love this girl, and I am ready to go threw with it.
It was at this time she decided we should “Just be friends.”

Ow.

So, we’re still friends, my heart still aches from time to time, but since her, I’ve not felt the desire to sleep with anyone else. Then, about two weeks ago, something happened. I met up with one of my really close friends at a bar, and afterwards, we ended up back at my place. We started to snuggle, and eventually things progressed. It was the first time I’ve ever had a girl beg me for sex, and I have to say, it felt really empowering. It even felt a bit moreso to say “No,” and to stick to it. Now the big question is:

Am I a fucking idiot for holding out?

I recognize the fact that sex is an everyday thing of our society and many people’s lives. Sex is a completely healthy thing when used properly (whether in a commited relationship, or a “fuck buddy” situation where both members know the score). The big question I have is, is one’s virginity really that big a deal nowadays? I mean, I would like it if my first time was with someone I love and who loved me, but at the same time, I know that it is possible to have a fun filled sexual relationship with one person and later have a completely meaningful, emotional and spiritual sexual relationship with someone else. The two of us are still very close friends, and this event wasn’t the first time she’s brought up the idea of “deflowering me,” so I feel confident that all it would take is a well planned out evening to take things farther. I know that I don’t want to end up a 30 year old virgin, but I’m just not sure if this is what I want.

So, who’s been in a similar situation? Who’s held out and who’s given in? Does anyone regret their decisions? Is it worth waiting for “Ms. Right,” or is it good to get in some practice with “Ms. Right Now”? Who’s held out for “the one,” and do you think it would make any difference if you hadn’t? Or vice versa for your partner. It’s an odd personal ordeal for me, so I’m just looking for what others have to say about the situation. Thanks.

2

Don’t worry, I’ve been in a similar situation just like you, and have stopped when I feel that it isn’t right or if I object. If you think that the girl or the time isn’t right, remember it’s your decision and can opt to do what ever you feel regardless.

3

Elvis- I don’t think you’re a fuckin’ idiot for holding out. You can only do it for the first time once, and if you regret it afterwards you’ll regret it for the rest of your life- there is no “do over”. Uh, so to speak. You’ll know when you’re ready, and we can’t tell you when that is, nor should we.

Sex is unique in that it’s simultaneously Not a Big Thing AND a big thing. Just chill, be yourself, do what you need to do for yourself. Virginity is only as big a deal as you make it. Don’t rush.

4

I think you are crazy to wait, and you are placing too much importance on keeping your virginity. Having said that. DON"T listen to me, or any other person who would try to talk you into doing something that you know is not right for you. If keeping your virginity is important to you, then don’t have sex until you’re married, or the time is right for you. And stop don’t worry about what the rest of the world is doing or thinking.

And something else. Why is it that it’s “acceptable” to have oral sex, but intercourse is held up as some sacred act? I mean really, if you have your face in it, how chaste is the woman after that?

Imho, we sure have some odd “rules” when it comes to sex.

5

You aren’t an idiot. I’m a 29-year-old virgin, and I’ve never felt (well, not for long, at any rate) that it’s that big a deal. When the right person appears, I’ll still be here.

6

I think you’re making it out to be much more than it is, and the longer you wait the more importance you’ll place on it. It’s good everytime. Even bad sex is still good. Just be careful, don’t be stupid and not protect yourself, but otherwise, play ball.

Likewise, it’s your big moment. Do whatever you want. But that’s my opinion, which is what you asked for.

7

You’re no idiot. Do what you want. When you find the right person you’ll know and you’ll be ready.

8

It is a big deal if it is a big deal to you.

9

Hmm.

In the last case at least, I don’t think it was so much a ‘keeping your virginity’ deal as a ‘having a one-night stand’ sorta deal. At least, that’s how I’d look at it. You already decided to sleep with someone you care a lot about. I don’t think you’re being a fool at all - I did the same thing and lost mine to a guy I cared a lot about - even though we’re not together now, I don’t regret it at all. I also don’t regret the fact that I wasn’t my husband’s first. Mighta been kinda fun :slight_smile: but I haven’t been in his life for a very long time when you look at the long-term picture. I’m going to be in it for the long-term - that’s what matters most to me.

10

Let me add my name to the list of people who thinks you are definitely not being a fool for waiting. In my case, my motive is religious fanaticism. Don’t rush out to get laid just to get laid. I’m still holding out for Mrs. Right, and I don’t regret it. Well, at least not often. :slight_smile:

11

You’ve engaged in oral, so what’s the difference…Fuck Already.

It’s not worth waiting for anything in life, unless you have to.

Wouldn’t you feel short-changed if, God-forbid, you were in some cataclysmic car accident and as your lying on the pavement bleeding to death the last though that goes through your mind is “Damnit, I missed out on one of nature’s greatest gifts!”

Do people who hold out until the honeymoon think the skies will open up and dancing cheribs are going to swoop out of heaven playing trumpets and harps while witnessing the magical moment of deflowering?

It just doesn’t happen that way…

My guess is if you and Ms. Right (Tight?) wait for that magic moment, odds are you’ll be so worked up and nervous over it either

a) neither of you will enjoy it
b) you’ll be finished right after you get started and will have to wait for round 2 anyway
c) you’ll be disappointed the earth didn’t quake
d) all of the above

But that’s just my humble opinion

12

Well, I’m a nearly 20 y/o female virgin who has no regrets about waiting. Quite the opposite. I’ve often been glad that I didn’t give it up to someone who turned out to be a jerk or a psycho.

I find it appealing when I find out a guy I’m interested in is a virgin. I like the idea that virgins are much less likely to be carrying STDs. Seems like herpes and HPV are rampant nowadays, and I don’t like the idea of being at high risk for cervical cancer–supposedly more than 80% of cervical cancers are caused by HPV–just because my partner had a casual fling a few years before he met me. I also like the idea that, presumably having exercised some willpower in waiting, perhaps the guy would be less likely to cheat. :slight_smile:

The whole “you need experience” argument doesn’t mean much to me. I would rather be able to learn with my partner and take pleasure in teaching him those kinds of things myself.

13

Elvis, for a long time I felt much the same way you did. Not that I wanted to wait till I was married, but I wanted to wait till I met someone I really cared about. Unfortunately, the woman I decided was ‘The One’ turned out to be a total nutcase, and the dreaded First Time wasn’t all I hoped it’d be. (To this day, I still don’t know if it was actually in or not.) I think the reason I have regrets about it is because things just got plain weird after that. (Weirder, that is.) And sex turned out not to be the big deal I thought it was – it was fun and it was great, but it wasn’t the big deal I thought it’d be.

My advice – follow your heart (if that doesn’t sound too hackneyed). Relax, don’t worry too much about it. Sex can be a big deal, but if you and your FB have talked about it and you’re both cool with the idea… then you’ll have a better experience with your first time than most. If it feels right, then go ahead; if you have reservations, then don’t.

14

Christ, could this sound any more redundant? :smack:

15

Stop waiting. Have sex already. Sex is great. It’s worth doing. A lot.

I think having sex with a few people before you get married teaches you both to be a better lover and helps you find a sexually-compatible partner. Sex is an important part of a long-term relationship. Being good at it and recognizing when it’s really good will help you enter into a better relationship than you would otherwise, in my opinion.

16

From the other side of the coin…

No, Elvis, pal, you’re not being an idiot. I liked the way Dr. Lao put it. Having had the experience of acquiescing to undesired sexual intercourse when a woman just wouldn’t let it go, I can tell you it will yield a memory that you’ll likely not savor.

To say nothing of potential consequences. I’ll not stress the HIV thing, because female-to-male transmission in fairly unimaginative heterosexual intercourse is a small risk, but other STDs are real, and who wants that for “doing their duty?”

And that’s the small potatoes. A friend of mine has a son he loves, and an ongoing two-decades-at-least interaction with the one-night-stand-from-psycho-bitch-hell.

17

I’m probably not the best example to go from… my thought processes are odd… but if you’ve been with someone for a while and things are going well, and if you truly love said person, then I see no reason not to. Sex, IMHO, is a bond greater than marriage in some ways, and you have to be careful who you create that bond with…

My first was a bad idea. She didn’t really feel about me the way I felt about her, but there was mutual attraction and I was a hopeless romantic at the time… it gave me a huge boost in self-confidence that I could satisfy her, and I felt like I was able to relate to women in a different way after… but it was a disappointment on the whole…

My first within a loving relationship was an entirely different thing… the earth moved, and I’ve never experienced anything like it. I wouldn’t undo it for anything in the world, although she and I are no longer dating and the breakup crushed me horribly… but being crushed horribly is a part of the life I’ve accepted, where I am open and willing to give love to people. Sex is an expression of love and trust, and if you feel that it’s right to do it then it won’t spoil the next time… because not only are you learning to please someone else, you’re learning to please yourself within that context, which means that you won’t lack anything from prior encounters when you’re with Ms. Right… you can always teach her what you like (tactfully, my only word of warning).

I take no responsibility for any events resulting directly or indirectly from reading my ravings.

18

Honnestly, I think your questions are pointless. You already practised oral sex, and probably eveyrthing short of penetration, so in my book, you’re no more virgin. You’ve just drawn an artificial line to be able to pretend you’re still virgin.
To be bluntly honest, it sounds hypocritical to me. Oh…perhaps not really hypocritical since you seem actually convinced that it makes a difference, but I can’t see where the difference lies. You could as well have been already laid and still pretend you’re a virgin because you still didn’t try anal sex. Pretty much the same IMO.

Not that I would have any issue with premarital sex in general or premarital blowjobs in particular, at the contrary. Just that in my opinion you already crossed the line long before, and you’re worrying too much about something which is now essentially abstract (I didn’t have sex this way).

19

My thoughts follow like this.

I used to have long hair. It was a very long process to grow and a lot of work to maintain and keep neat. But I liked it and liked the look for awhile. Soon I began to realize that while I still like it I didn’t like it enough to compensate for all the work that I had put into it, and yet I had put so much work into getting where I was that I was really hesitant to do anything about it. After a few months of dithering over it (summer months mind you) I said screw and got it hacked back to a little longer then a buzz cut.

So the question I think you should be asking is “Why am I still a virgin? Am I maintaining my virginity because I’ve put years of effort to do so or because I truely believe that it’s worth waiting for someone special?” If it’s the former then I say to hell with the tyranny of the past it is the present you that is in charge of your future. If it’s the latter then by all means maintain it and feel no remorse.

I went through the same thing with my virginity, I realized I leaned heavily towards the former and when it next came up I enjoyed myself and thought nothing of it. I don’t think of the first time as something special anymore then I think that this day is special because it’s the first day of the rest of my life. But then that’s the kind of person I am about most things.

20

what clairobscur said …

I am a lesbian woman and have never engaged in penetrative sex. Would you consider me a virgin?

If it feels so important to you, by all means wait until you are in a meaningful relationship again. But I would advise not to put so much importance on the technique you use to have sex.