Am I being a fool (conserning my virginity)

In My Humble Opinion
21

Count me in as another someone who thinks your title of “virgin” appears to be hypocritical. Honestly, you really think oral sex isn’t sex?

You’ll do as you feel you must, and I really have no advice to offer either way- but this reminds me so much of a girl I had a class with last year. She told me she had only had sex with one guy so far. When I pointed out that she had blown five other guys before that she said “That doesn’t count!” I asked, “So when you get married, it will be okay if your husband wants a BJ on the side because ‘it doesn’t count’ ?” “NNNOOOOO!!!” Uh-huh, that’s what I thought. :smiley:

22

has there not just recently been a high-profile, lengthy legal case in America which set a precedent that oral is NOT actual sex? :wink:

My HO on the OP:
I waited (a little) before losing my virginity too, but once I did, I realised the wait was pointless as it was no big deal. It was equatable to any new experience. It’s something that everyone goes through and then moves on. It is with hindsight that you realise the futuility of hanging on for the perfect first time scenario. Think more, or concentrate more, on having a perfect relationship.

“Sex is like oxygen, it only becomes a dig deal when you are not getting any.” (anon, to me)

23

Doesn’t some religion(s) view the first ejaculation as the loss of virginity? Whether it be by your own hand, someone else’s, etc… Therefore, virginity is relative :wink:

Only one other thing I want to add. Once you’ve found the right person, every encounter beforehand is meaningless IMHO.

24

Dude, you’re no virgin, just a guy that has yet to stick his penis into a vagina. I think you should go talk to a counselor because you may have some underlying issues with women, intimacy, and control. It’s best to sort these things out now while you’re still young.

Looking for the one is a nice and noble persuit, but nothing last forever. What may seem like the one today may be number 10, five years from now, so stop trying to be perfect and stop trying to control everything.

25

You’ve trusted yourself this far, and felt okay with your decisions, it seems. I don’t see any rationale in your history for you to start doubting yourself now.
I don’t think you’ve made any bad calls yet. When I look back at the people I’ve been involved with, I tend to think along these lines:
Bill: Wish I’d had sex with him! Hoo boy!
Tom: Glad I had sex with him.
Dave: OMG why did I EVER have sex with him??? [shudder]

MUCH better to have one of the first two reactions than the third!
Trust yourself here, Elvis.
Best,
karol

26

I think some of you people are missing the point of the OP. He may not be a technical virgin, but he is a vaginal virgin. In my book there is a big difference. You don’t have to practice control or restraint when receiving Oral sex, you do when you are stirring the entrance to the fun tunnel.

27

I don’t think it’s stupid to wait, and I think religious convictions are as good a reason as any. Speaking from my personal Catholic perspective, I think sex belongs within marriage and the world would be better if people took it a lot more seriously. But that’s my perspective. If you feel the same way, why put an arbitrary date on the loss of your (technical) virginity? Wait until you’re ready, no one else can make the decision for you.

StG

28

It may be artificial, since we are dealing with something that is totally about preception anyway, I don’t see how it matters whether it is “real” or not. It is not uncommon for heterosexuals to view first intercourse as something special onto itself. Many consider it a step up in intimacy. But sti It may be all in his head, but if he thought the opposite that would also be all in his head. His own personal preception is really all that is important here.

29

There have been plenty of talks about “Is oral sex really sex” in the past, and like with everything, it’s all relative. Some people place oral sex on the same level as intercourse, some place it lower in the ranks, some place it higher. In my upbringing, I’ve come to view oral sex as an aspect of intercourse, but do not view it as the same. I admit, once I started practicing it, the distance between the two did become a lot shorter, but for me, oral sex is still considered more foreplay than anything else. Sure, it can be used as a means of it’s own, but it’s more a precurser to thing to come (no pun intended).

So, for all you who view me as a hypocrite, there’s my views on the matter. I know people who view oral to be more intimate and personable than regular intercourse and won’t think of performing on someone they haven’t had sex with. That’s all relative to the individual. For me, I don’t view it that high, so in my opinion, I am technically still a virgin, and that’s where my current state of emotional dismay comes from.

As for DemonSpawn’s post, even in the homosexual community, the concept of “sex” is just as vague. I have many lesbian friends, some of them consider it sex if they engage in finger fucking, and for others, it’s not sex until someone uses their tongue. You can hold the same argument with them as you can with me on the topic. Everyone has their own decisions as to what counts as “sex” for them. I’m curious as to how many heterosexuals who consider oral sex “sex” would also consider hand jobs/fingering “sex” as well.

Thanks for everyone who’s responded, it’s really helped me think things through. I’m still a hopeless romantic, so in time, maybe that will fade and I’ll change my mind, but for now, I’m just going to hold out and see what happens. If anything, it will give me one less thing to be bitter about in life.

30

It’s astonishing to me that it could be suggested that you’ve got problems just because you’re carefully considering this, Elvis! It is important, it’s not just acrobatics. I agree with St. Germain; the world would be a lot better place if people would treat sex with more respect. My opinion, of course.

31

Add me to the “Virginity is meaningless” list.

At the same time, if you don’t feel ready, you shouldn’t feel pressured to have vaginal sex. It does have one important difference from other kinds–birth control or no, one nearly always risks producing offspring. I recommend the Pregnancy Test. If the thought of having children with your prospective partner sends you screaming from the room, don’t do it. This test served me well on many an occasion.

And if you just don’t feel ready, don’t do it. It’s your life, and your choice to make. You shouldn’t feel stupid for making the choice you think is best for you.

32

Do yourself a favour and stay well away from marriage (at least until and if you no longer consider the above statement true).

33

My SO lost his virginity when he was 23 to a girl he didn’t care for that much. He says he regrets it and he wish he waited. I am the only other girl he’s been with and we first had sex when he was 27. He said before he met me he wouldn’t have minded if he nver had sex again becuase it was such a bad experience. he said it physically felt good, but afterwards he felt shitty becuase that’s all it was, with no emotion to it.
I waited untill I was dating my SO for 5 months before I lost my virginity to him because I wanted to make sure i was in love with him becuase i wanted it to be special. and it was. Our one year aniversary is September :slight_smile:

34

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24, even though I’d been masturbating since I was five. I had opportunities, but I was terrified of disappointing my parents if I got pregnant–even with birth control. Finally, I hooked up with a real cute guy at a party and went back to his place and did it, just to get it over with.

It really was no big deal. The best thing was that a lot of stress and tension faded away: now it wasn’t “should I have sex?” but “should I have sex with this one?”

Follow your instincts, Elvis, but I will tell you one thing: there is no “perfect scenario.” Sex is not roses and violins. It’s messy, awkward, smelly, funny, embarrassing, silly–and it’s GREAT. Even on Sundays. :wink:

35

Go for it. I would.

I used to be in the “wait til marriage” camp. But then I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I realized that I would not pass up a chance to lose my virginity (as long as it’s with someone I’ve known for awhile and we’re both fond of each other and it’s not just a one night stand or a visit with a prostitute).

Why did I change my mind on this?

Death, although it’s an unpleasant possibility, could happen at an unexpected time. What if I’m still 30 and a virgin, and I got into a car accident and am bleeding on the pavement (I know, this example was used before), do I want to spend my last living moments knowing that I was too chicken to take the plunge (so to speak? I don’t want to die knowing that I never got to make love to a woman.

36

Wait, wait, wait. I do not understand this one bit. A few people have used this “What if I die a virgin?” scenario, complete with the ‘bleeding-to-death-by-roadside’ situation. Do you really think for one minute that your last seconds on earth would be concerned with something so trivial as whether or not you’ve done the nasty? If your only regret in this life is never having had intercourse, consider yourself blessed and lucky.

I think the attitude towards sex as being the end-all, be-all of human experience is unhealthy, misguided, and frankly, pretty shallow. If you choose to invest this physical act with so much emotional content, I think you’re putting too much emphasis on mechanics. A fulfilling emotional relationship with another human being based on trust and love is far more important, IMO, than what you do in your bedroom. You could argue that intercourse is a phsysical manifestation of feelings you have for another person, but isn’t that just ritualizing it, making it a symbol that does not necessarily have a direct relationship to what it represents? For instance, I am in a long-term and committed relationship, and I do not consider sex to be all that important. Far more important to me are the feelings my SO and I share for one another. If for whatever reason he was rendered physically incapable of performing the sex act, would this destroy our relationship? Would I no longer be able to relate to him in a romantic and emotional way? Of course not! It’s ridiculous to assume that intercourse is somehow a defining or life-altering experience.

I look at this way: if you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t. Take it for what it is, and don’t invest overmuch meaning in it. The weird obsession with one’s ‘first time’ is baffling to me. It all smacks of high school locker rooms and furtive whispering and giggling. Do most people really view one’s first sexual experience as somehow indicative of reaching a higher level of maturity, or somehow reaching a ‘new level’ in the human experience? WTF? I can’t understand this mode of thought.

To El Elvis Rojo: Get over it, and yourself. Your ‘first time’ will be just that- a first time. The earth will not move, the sky will not fall, and there will be no angels present. There will probably be many other ‘times’, and all will have to be taken on their own merit. Investing so much importance and meaning to something like this is just setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’ve built it up in your mind to the extent it appears you have, you’d be better off never having sex at all, because no experience short of the divine visitation is going to live up to your standards.

37

After re-reading the OP, the posts and your other comments, Elvis, I get the feeling that this is not a matter of “virginity” but a matter of intimacy. As other posters have stated it may not be the “technical” or moral issue of being a virgin but the greater intimacy that is required for “actual sex” (however one may define that).

It seems that you have up to now not met anybody you want to be that intimate with and whom you trust enough to relinquish your control. Provided that you have no issues with control that you would need to see a counselor about, it is OK to wait until you meet the right person.

However, as some posters have already advised: do not get too worked up about the “first time”. Sex tends to get better the more you get to know the other person and their wants and needs, so the first time may be just a “trying out” of what works for you and your partner.

I waited until age 21 and my first time was with a person I was very much in love with. Technically it wasn’t such a big success, but being so close to someone I loved was a wonderful experience. However, that did not keep us from breaking up horribly and I sometimes wish I had never laid eyes on that person.

My - rather rambling - point is: no matter how much in love you are, you can never be sure that this person is the person you will stay with forever. If your partner makes you comfortable enough, you trust them and the relationship is meaningful, go ahead and enjoy your “first time”. You will most certainly enjoy your second and third time even more :wink:

38

You are not an idiot for wanting your first time to be with someone special. As a matter of fact, speaking as someone who wants her EVERY time to be with someone special, I’d say that if that’s what you want, go for it.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that your moral code doesn’t go along with that of most people on the board.

39

Elvis, you’re not an idiot. I’m strongly of the opinion that an emotional bond strong enough for serious commitment should always come before sex.

Because, quite frankly, enjoying the sex will skew your perception of the person. Whereas objectively, you might properly assess a person’s personality traits and come to a clear decision as to whether or not they sre right for you, once sex comes into the picture, it’s much easier to start rationalizing and justifying things subconsciously.

Sex is a skill that can be learned…two committed partners, over time, can always find ways to satisfy one another. Personality traits, on the other hand, seldom change in adults, and allowing physical pleasure to skew one’s perception of such can only be a bad thing. And it’s next to impossible to not let that happen.

40

In life, you tend to regret the things you haven’t done more than the things you have.

You are setting yourself up for a let-down. Sex is great, and making love is great. Both will be distinctly better when you find the ONE. But that shouldn’t take away from any other previous experiences.

I fondly remember the sex with every girl I’ve had (not all that many really). They’re like Rug Burn’s Greatest Hits on DVD in my mind, and they’re priceless.

YMMV