Speaking as someone who’s been married 10 years to ‘my first (and only)’, I wish I had had experienced more with other people. I had held out because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted to wait until I met girl who was really special. And it was really nice, I must say. But looking back, I wish I had done it more with other people.
Maybe it’s like saying, if you wait till your birthday to eat ice cream, it will taste really good. Yeah, when your birthday comes around, the anticipation would enhance the ice cream eating experience. But what if you could have eaten ice cream all year long? Is it worth giving ice cream for most of the year? I don’t think so.
If you’re in a relationship where there is already a physical aspect to it, I think sex is a way to get even greater pleasure. But if you wait for the person who’s really special, they might be really, really special and you might stay with them for the rest of your life.
Another reason I wish that I had had more partners is that it’s very likely that you will not find someone who matches 100% of your sexual desires. After a while with the same person, you might wonder what different things would be like. For example, you might like chocolate ice cream, but after a while you might want to try other things with it. Maybe with sauce on top. Or nuts. Or whipped cream. Or gumdrops. Or maybe two scoops! Or whatever. But if the ice cream shop doesn’t carry any of those things, you’re just out of luck. And if you ask them to order them they say they won’t. And if you keep asking about it they’ll say it makes them feel uncomfortable and they don’t want to talk about it and they won’t serve you ice cream as often. So you’re just out of luck and you wish you had known more about ice cream before you committed to an exclusive relationship with the ice cream parlor.
The thing is, sex and everything sexual is a big part of being human. If you have a wide variety of experiences, you will be better able to determine if the person you are with makes you happy in multiple areas of your life. I feel like I didn’t know what I really enjoyed so I’m left with a lot of what-ifs now.
But, on the other hand, there’s an advantage to waiting until marriage: The sex you have with that person is the best sex you’ve ever had. You don’t have to worry about comparing your partner with previous partners, thinking “I’ve had better”. Because you might find a significant other who is a wonderful, intelligent person with a great personality, but may only be a 7 in the sack… and if you’ve been with 9s and 10s, you’re comparing her with them.
You are the only one who can decide what feels right. If you think that sex will have a deep emotional impact on you, then IMHO it should be at the very least with someone who you know and trust, and preferably with someone you love deeply.
Personally, I can’t contemplate waiting for marriage, but there are those who think that’s the only way to go,and I certainly respect them. I just know it wouldn’t have been right for me. (I’m 33, and I would have lost my mind from the sheer horniness by now!)
That said, I’m glad my first time was with the person it was with; I was madly, crazy in love with him, and although he didn’t turn out to be The One, we are still good friends who would do just about anything for each other in a pinch, and we still trust and respect each other implicitly.
Even more true is that I’m glad my first time wasn’t with the person it was almost with; he was an emotionally and sometimes physicaly abusive jerk, and I felt manipulated; I was doing it more to get him to shut up than out of any love for him, or even any desire to lose my virginity. (Luckily for me, he was even more clueless in that department than I was at the time; let’s just say that he couldn’t manage to make it work from an anatomical standpoint, which was definitely for the best.) I was too young then, and he was definitely the wrong person.
IMHO I would stay away from losing your virginity out of sheer horniness or a desire to “get it out of the way,” as the very fact that you’re asking yourself this question shows that sex holds emotional significance for you. Some people are capable of having casual sex; I know I’m not one of them, and I’m guessing you’re not either.
So good luck, and don’t go out in the rain without a raincoat!
Poor filmore. Thank you for your honesty. From having spoken to married friends, even experienced people/non-virgins can have serious marital sexual problems and incompatibilities throughout their marriage. Even when it starts out OK, it doesn’t always last.
I don’t know if marital sexual counselling is any good, but if you are very unhappy (sorry if I am reading too much into the tone of your post filmore) you might want to consider it.
My fiance was a virgin until he met me, and I have to say I wish I could say the same for him. I have slept with two other people before him, and I would love to be able to go back in time and erase that, so I could be wholly his as he is wholly mine. While I can say to him, “I moved across the world for you damnit!”, he can say to me something far more precious and meaningful: “You are the only woman I have ever loved, and the only woman I have ever given myself to, and you will continue to be the only woman for me for the rest of my life.”
I don’t need to be religious to appreciate that. (Which is good, because I’m not.) I just wish I could do the same for him, that I could give him the same gift he gave to me, that I could know he felt as special about my love as I feel about his. It doesn’t bother him that I’ve had previous partners; it bothers me. I sometimes feel like I’m more special to him than he is to me, and while I know that isn’t true, the fact that I was his first and will be his only makes it hard for me to remember or realise that at times.
He is the only partner of mine who was a virgin, and he is also the best partner I’ve ever had. While some of this may be due to the less than ideal emotional relationships I had with the two guys before him - I had nearly crossed over that fine line between “love” and “hate” with one of them, and I lost my virginity to a man I had no feelings for whatsoever simply because I’d been dumped by my first long-term boyfriend because he wanted sex and I didn’t, and I was tired of being the “good girl” who “could never keep a man without giving it up” - I’m also certain that it has a lot to do with the fact that he was a virgin and that he is still ‘learning’. I’m not exactly experienced (I only slept with each guy once) so we’re in about the same place sexually. He is loving and attentive and places far more emphasis on my feelings than on his own, which is something neither of the other two did. The man I lost my virginity to, in fact, insisted on telling me he wanted to “teach” me how to be his little slut. (Gah.) The idea of being “taught” how one man likes a woman to perform appalls me. The idea of exploring my love’s body and his reactions to my acts while he explores my body and my reactions to his acts is far more appealing to me, and makes every time we make love an incredible and emotional experience. While I may not orgasm every time (though I often do … is this TMI?), the connection I feel between us when we make love more than makes up for that.
I guess what I’m saying here is … I don’t think you’re an idiot. I think there’s too much focus in today’s society upon the idea of “getting laid”. I think it’s great that you want it to be special between you and your partner. At the very least, you’ll impress the hell out of a lot of women with your attitude. Do what you feel is right for you, and don’t let all the popular advertising and your peers influence you to do something you don’t feel is right.
Sticking up for an unpopular moral decision is hard to do, and I commend you for having held on so long, if it’s what is really in your heart.
For some people sex is more of a physical act than, necessarily, an act that is more attached to love. That’s how they are just as some people have blue eyes and some people have green eyes.
What works for you is what works for you. You’re not crazy or an idiot or anything for still being a virgin, and I don’t just say that because I’m with you on that one:)
Another thing to consider: some people get married out of sheer horniness (although they may sublimate it to the point that they’re not even aware of it). Sex is a bad, bad reason to get married.