My very first time (probably NSFW or TMI)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yes, it is about what you think it’s about…

I am in my mid-20s and I am a virgin. I know there are much older virgins out there, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I am not a virgin by choice, and I would very much like to be de-virginized. And as it happens, I have recently met this awesome guy who might do the trick.

But the problem is, the older you get as a virgin, the more terrifying the whole thing becomes. I’m not a big fan of doing new things (although I force myself to do them) and this whole sex thing is definitely a new thing.

I have kissed a few guys and made out with my ex-boyfriend, but that’s as far as I have gone aside from some mild groping. I tend to get panicky in these situations. I want it, but I also want to avoid it. I am terrified of doing, uh, “it” wrong, or betraying my inexperience, or not being good enough at whatever we happen to be doing. I do learn fast, but still… Also, to be frank, I have not much enjoyed kissing in the past. I don’t know if I am merely doing it wrong or what, but it doesn’t do much for me.

Really, it is situations like this that make me wish I could just go to a “sex counselor” like in Lois McMaster Bujold’s books and get some hands-on experience… alas, that is unlikely.

I really do like this guy I’m seeing now and I feel quite comfortable with him. But I doubt he realizes the extent of my lack of experience and he is quite a bit older and probably more experienced than me. On our last “date,” last week, we ended up kissing shortly before going home. It was 5 am and I was exhausted and slightly drunk so it was a little awkward… but I’m going to see him again tomorrow and I want to do it again. I do want him. But I’m also really scared.

I’ve read some threads on the SDMB about this before, but it’s usually about people who have moral reasons for not having sex, or people who want to get laid but can’t. I suppose it might be because I’m a girl, but finding people willing to sleep with me isn’t really that hard. The hard part, I guess (no innuendo intended) is figuring out how to get over the hump (again, no innuendo intended… :p). I don’t think I’m a prude–that’s not the issue. I watch quite a bit of porn and I’ve had a lot of orgasms, just… all by myself.

This is a really raw subject for me and it is hard for me to write this post, but I guess I just need some moral support or some advice or sympathy or something. I’m sorry if it sounds like a Penthouse letter to the editor–it’s not intended that way.

I don’t need my first time to be somehow perfect or even particularly romantic. I just don’t want to be so nervous that I just might throw up. Nor do I want to stay a virgin for much longer. So I’m kinda stuck.

I know this post is kind of rambling–honestly, I would appreciate any advice, kind thoughts, or whatever. Even just people who know what it feels like. I’m tired of being so self-loathing about this whole thing.

2

There’s a very straightforward way of defusing many of your concerns, which is simply to come out and say it. If the guy is that awesome, he won’t hold it against you, and should be able to allay your fears. He too, was once in exactly the same boat, with the same set of feelings. Committing to have sex with someone is already placing your partner in an intimate position of trust, which they could abuse if they so choose. Adding to this a confession of inexperience, isn’t going to make a great deal of real world difference. The psychological gains from your position far outweigh the worst case scenario, and if the guy does turn out to be an arsehole… well now you know. It’s really a no-brainer.

3

I know this sounds impossible, but relax. Just remember everyone’s first time is awkward, and it’s okay, even good, to laugh about it. You’ll have moments where you elbow each other awkwardly, or one of you has an arm on the other’s hair or something, it’s okay, really.

The second time will be better, so just be honest with him and keep your sense of humor handy.

Good luck!

4

If he’s a good guy (and I’m hoping he is, if you want to get nekkid with him), then talk to him about it… there’s no reason he shouldn’t know you’re nervous or inexperienced. Everyone is!
It sounds like at least some portion of your fear stems from doing the wrong thing, or appearing inexperienced… but you are inexperienced, and you won’t know what “the right things” are. There’s a learning curve even partner-to-partner anyway, so being able to learn all about each other right from the very start could be a very valuable experience, sexually speaking. You mentioned that there are some things you haven’t completely enjoyed, or that you’ve gotten too nervous to continue even though you really want to. If you’re honest about your fear and inexperience, you and he will both be able to take things slowly and carefully and, well, just explore. If he doesn’t know what you’re feeling, he can’t approach you in a way that alleviates your fear and discomfort. I think being honest about is the best possible thing you can do. Why wig yourself out with trying to fake experience or a comfort level you don’t have? Any dude who would judge you because you hadn’t had sex yet, well, as Captain_Awesome said, no-brainer.

And just in case… it’s not always fun the first few times. Keep at it, practice makes perfect :wink:

5

Those answers sum up what I was going to write. I just want to add that getting drunk isn’t advisable, though a drink or two might help act in spite of those fears/inhibitions.

Thinking about what Queen Tonya wrote: if there had been only a first time for me, I would have been content to remain celibate the rest of my life. Things did improve.

P.S. I was in my early 20s.

6

^
guy, was 21 year old virgin and also not by choice, can relate to what you’ve described.

I agree that you should tell him. I would say you’d want to explain that you are neither trying desperately to get a cure for this vile horrid condition “virginity” nor have you been “saving it” and he should feel ultra-special. Get him talking. The best way to go into the experience is when the two of you are in the kind of mood you get into when you’ve been wide-open honest and talking about very personal things with each other. (In my opinion anyway).

7

I would also suggest that you talk to him first. If he doesn’t know what’s going on, he’ll have a difficult time figuring out what you want or don’t want (are you enjoying this, are you glad you’re here). Plus, if you reveal all to him later, he’ll be rather confused, and say “but, I didn’t know”. It’s a significant event for you, you should probably bring him into the loop.

8

Also, if you can get over your inhibitions, be honest and let him know he’s your first, then he’ll understand if you just let him do the “driving”. He’s not going to secretly laugh at you, unless he’s some outrageous asshole. If anything, he’ll want to make sure it’s even more comfortable for you and will take extra care, and go slower. Slow is good.

And like Queen Tonya said, be yourself, even during sex. Make jokes when something awkward or funny happens, because those things just do when you’re having a roll in the hay. It’s all part of the fun. Each of your personalities will amplify the act.

Relax, and enjoy… :wink:

9

Definitely tell him. If a woman told me that I was going to be her first, then I’d be (a) very flattered, (b) pretty darn excited and (c) careful. I can’t see any guy being put off by your virginal state - come on, deflowering an innocent maiden is pretty high on the list of male fantasies. :wink:

10

Tanaqui: Apart from a few details, I could have written your exact OP a couple of months ago. I felt the same way about sex: I wanted to try it, but it was just so…scary. It’s hard to know what to expect, and very easy to feel that you’ll be inadequate. But like others have said, if this guy is as you described, he won’t think less of you, and he’ll do what he can to make you feel comfortable.
I lost my virginity not too long ago to a very sweet and understanding guy, and I can still remember the experience like it was yesterday. I was sitting in his car, thinking “It’s finally going to happen”; I was excited, and utterly, completely terrified. But you know what? We had sex, and I came through and lived to tell the tale. After it was over, I sat down and laughed with relief, and all I kept thinking was “Why on earth did I make such a big deal out of it?”

Yes, it was painful as hell, and it was awkward as hell, but it was also fun. It’s an enjoyable and exhilarating experience, but the most important thing to remember is: it’s not a big deal. I think it’s one of those things in which you simply have to take a deep breath and get through it. And try to enjoy yourself. Hang in there, and good luck.

11

Yes, please.

Few things worse for a reasonably sensitive and empathetic guy than to find out that the woman he’s just had sex with was, until very recently, a virgin. Been there, and done that. 29 years later, I still wince to recall it.

This memory is not aided by the fact that the girl in question fell in with the wrong guy afterward and wound up driving a getaway car and going to prison, where she figured at that she was gay.

No, it would have been much, much better to have known in advance. Because (in my limited experience) a virgin pretending to not be a virgin will also pretend to possess a level of excitement and readiness that they do not. There is no way (other than a visit to a OB/GYN) to get around the fact that this involved tearing flesh. But I damn sure would have spent a lot more time getting her ready, and making sure she had one or more orgasms before attempting penetration.

My only excuse is that it was 29 years ago.

12

Not sure what you consider sex, but I’m going to assume hetero intercourse (correct me if I’m wrong). Fool around with him a lot. Do everything but and do it a lot. Tell him you’ve technically never had sex before, but that it’s more of an opportunity thing than any sort of moral or religious hang-up.

It’s good that you don’t have some sort of romantic notion about your first time, but at the same time, despite prevailing notions, there’s a good chance it will feel great and you’ll wonder why you waited so long (because honestly, deep down you are a virgin by choice, even if it’s a default position). Especially if you masturbate a lot and know what you like. And especially because you’re not some drunk 14-year-old being pressured into doing it without a condom at a party and too scared to say no, in for 12 seconds of bliss. Your first time could very well be better than that of most women you know because you waited. Assuming he’s a nice, laid back guy who knows what he’s doing in bed.

13

The best things for satisfying sex are open communication and to be relaxed, they are also the hardest things to do, but it’s part of the thrill of the experience.

14

(emphasis added)

You realize that this is unusual, right? Have you not enjoyed kissing because of all of your anxiety surrounding sexual contact, or do you feel like even without the anxiety it would still have been a meh experience? Is there other sexual contact, broadly defined, that you do enjoy? Holding hands?

You might want to consider that you’ve got more basic issues about sexual intimacy than just not having had the experience of sexual intercourse. Or maybe you’re just not that into kissing. In which case, the other advice offered in this thread is good.

15

Thanks for all the great advice guys! I do plan on telling him–now it is just figuring out the right time to do so. It hasn’t quite seemed appropriate yet. On the other hand, it doesn’t seem like something you should just spring on another person. I did tell my previous boyfriend, but it was really hard to tell what he thought about it–or what he thought about anything, which was probably why we broke up.

Yes, I realize it is unusual. It is hard to tell at this stage–I have been extremely nervous the few times it has happened and my previous boyfriend didn’t help much. I do enjoy other kinds of sexual contact, like just touching. Not to get into too much information, but I was definitely turned on by this guy touching me (fully clothed, as we were in public.) Which we did quite a lot of on our last date. I’m also getting afraid he’s going to feel like I’m rejecting him, though, since I’m kind of passive (being a little terrified) and also nervous about kissing (as I am afraid I won’t like it…) Which I guess is another reason I should just talk to him about it!

I really do appreciate all the advice, and if you think of anything else, please do post! I especially appreciate the people who have talked about their own experiences–it does help to hear that others found themselves in the same boat.

16

Oh, good. So maybe you’ve just had some bad kisses. Have you kissed Mr. New yet? I wouldn’t worry that he’ll think you’re rejecting him for not sleeping with him if you haven’t kissed yet. (Not that you should worry about it in any case.)

17

i think that if you were to consider sex that you should tell him well before it might happen.

i think it would even be good to say you are unpracticed about physical romantic affection. say you don’t think you are a good kisser and want to do that a lot together and go slow. go with how things flow and it could be great for both of you.

i would not equate being inexperienced in your mid twenties with being a dud. he may not and they is probably no reason for you to think so either.

18

As others have said, definitely tell him you’re a virgin! If he’s a caring guy, he’s going to be really cautious and gentle. And actually he’ll probably be as nervous as you knowing that you are a virgin.
I guess I’ve been fortunate over the years in regards to kissing. I can’t really say that I’ve met many women who were bad kissers. Although many of them did talk about some of the lousy kissers in their past, some of their stories were hilarious and horrifying. Was your ex one of those guys who tries to get his tongue all the way past your esophagus? Or maybe super sloppy with saliva everywhere?
I think you will love kissing when you find a guy who has a clue.

19

Am I really the first one to say: Protect yourself! Even the nicest guy in the world may have something he doesn’t know about, or dare I say may not be what he seems. And from the sound of things you don’t want to get knocked up your first time out. So, cover your bases!

Definitely talk to him about it, and not in the “heat of the moment” either. My rule of thumb is, if you’re not old enough to have mature a mature conversation with your partner about sex, you’re not ready to have sex. Cleary, you’re capable of such a conversation, so make it happen.

20

It actually takes a while before it stops hurting. So uhh, enjoy!