Here’s some thoughts from a guy who was a virgin until 29(!).
First, the only reason I could get over my fear is that I had an amazing partner (now an amazing wife) who just basically said ‘Virgin? Interesting!’ and moved on with gusto. She made it clear that she simply enjoyed being with me regardless of what did or did not happen.
Second, as another poster said, I’d advise doing lots of ‘everything but intercourse’ for a while, that’s what we did and I think it made it easier to figure out how to communicate with each other.
Finally, be patient with yourself. I found the first couple of weeks of fooling around to be pretty stressful and I was beginning to worry that I’d never really enjoy sex. But by a month or two in, I was feeling completely at ease and super horny, and lots of good times were had :).
Good luck, it won’t be easy, but if he’s the right guy it will be TOTALLY worth it!
I did kiss him, briefly. It was a bit sloppy and awkward but I didn’t hate it or anything. I don’t know if the ex was necessarily a bad kisser but in general I think the kisses have been too aggressive (as others have said, women have been known to complain about that before so I guess it’s a fairly common complaint.) I just have to get up the guts to talk about it.
Oh man, I have thought about that, and it’s a whole 'nother thing to worry about. I live in Japan and have never been on birth control before; honestly, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even have a doctor, much less health insurance. Birth control is not very common here (oral contraceptives weren’t legalized until 1999*) and I have almost no money at all. Don’t get me started. But don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I definitely have no interest in getting pregnant. Probably not ever and certainly not now.
*Viagra was legalized almost immediately. BEFORE THE PILL.
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of pain either. Another reason to talk about it first, I guess…
Is there some equivalent of Planned Parenthood there? (Clinics that do women’s health and charge on a sliding scale based on ability to pay.)
ETA: The other thing that a doctor could do would be check your hymen, see how intact it still is (if you’ve been using tampons or using a vibrator to masturbate, it may be gone at this point), and take care of that for you. Some of the pain the first time can be the result of the hymen tearing.
I can’t imagine that a couple of condoms would be very expensive. Are they available readily in Japan? I’d lay in a couple just to be on the safe side. (Lay! Ha! )
My only smidgen of advice is to remember that it’s always awkward with a new partner. You don’t get into a good rhythm until you’ve done it a few times with the same person. The act itself is not identical each time performed. But do tell him about your ‘status.’ Also, a few sessions of “almost” could be helpful and pretty exciting too. Best wishes. Be safe.
I can relate. When I was younger, I didn’t date much and I planned to wait for marriage before I had sex. Without dating, there wasn’t much opportunity for sex, so that wasn’t really an issue. A few years back, when I was 31, I decided to get serious about finding a relationship. During this time, I was re-thinking the whole bit about waiting for marriage. I didn’t feel a pressing need to lose my virginity, but I figured that I might be missing out on something.
Shortly after that I met a very nice girl who was about the same age as I was. I learned from talking with her that she had been previously married and had had a lot of dating experience both before and after. These conversations made me really nervous because the subject of sex was looming, and I was afraid to tell her that I was still a virgin (at the time I hadn’t done anything more serious than french kissing). I would try to dodge the subject as best I could, but that only worked for so long. Eventually I told her, and she was a bit surprised, not that surprised, my evasiveness had tipped her off, but surprised nonetheless. After I told her, my level of anxiety went down considerably. I had been so worried that she would think I was some sort of freak or something, but she didn’t. She was very kind and understanding. We took things slowly, and went as far as having oral sex. She and I parted ways before we progressed to the point of having sex, but the experience (both physical and communicative) I had with her made future sexual relationships much easier for me to deal with. I’m very grateful to her for that.
I’m not sure if this anecdote answers any questions for you or anything, but I figured I’d share it with you because I felt really alone back then. It seemed like single people my age were either sexually experienced or were vehemently anti pre-marital sex, and I didn’t fit into either category.
I dug through my older writings and found this bit, which this thread reminded me of:
While I’m sure large chunks of the whole situation are different for females, I sure do sympathize. Especially with feeling WAY awkward around people one’s own age when it gets to the point that everyone else has long since been devirginated. Or so it seems at any rate.
I could have written exactly this, except I’m female, I was 27 when it happened and now married to him.
I had all the same issues you had surrounding sex, and I hadn’t even been kissed. I just couldn’t face being intimate with anyone, and I don’t even really know why. I wasn’t deliberately saving myself either. I just hadn’t met anyone that did anything for me. Then I met my future-husband and it all just vanished. Maybe it was a right person-right place (in my life) thing.
What made the whole thing easier was talking to him about it, taking our time to get to the sex bit, going slowly when we did. It takes time to get to know each others likes and dislikes as well, so don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘get it right’ first time. You’re not a mind reader! Just talk about it afterwards (or during - that can be fun too :))
Oh, and I started off not particularly liking the whole kissing thing either. Turns out that I just needed to relax some more and stop thinking consiously about what I was doing. I also find now that if we don’t kiss properly for a while, we get out of practice, and have to sort of go back to basics!
Good luck and have fun! It is worth it, take it from one who has been where you are.
I just wanted to step in and say: it might not hurt, either. When I had sex for the first time, it didn’t hurt at all. It wasn’t particularly special or enjoyable (not bad, just meh) but no pain was involved.
I’d been dancing for years and riding a bike so that might have helped a bit.
Of course you know that, if you attend any dopefests, there will some inquisitively arched eyebrows turned in your direction.
But–please tell him, and I’d advise that you do so not at the last minute, because, were it me, I’d do my level best to create the most romantic, comfortable, serene -nay- ethereal atmosphere possible.
Best of luck to you. I really don’t have any advice for you, since I am, um, in the same boat, so to speak, and have been there a lot longer. (I’m 49) Please just relax and enjoy. (If anyone is interested in the ‘whys’, feel free to read the thread I replied to earlier about that very subject.)
Hey everyone! Thanks again for the advice. I saw him again tonight and things are uh, going very well. I don’t want to kiss and tell, so to speak, but I definitely enjoyed kissing more this time!
I didn’t tell him yet, but maybe I will do it via email… is that weird? Well, I’m going to see him again soon. Maybe he figured it out anyways; he’s kind of terrifyingly intelligent. I really appreciate everything sharing their experiences!
No offense to any of you, but I probably wouldn’t have posted this if I ever attended to meet a doper in real life, heh.
First, being smart at some things is no guarantee of being smart at social/sexual things. I think you can probably find at least one or two Dopers with genius-level IQs who are total morons when it comes to relationships.
Second, he may well know that something is weird about intimacy in this relationship, and he may be taking it personally: is it me? he may be thinking; am I doing something wrong? It may well come as a relief to him to know that no, it’s something weird about you, and it’s not something remotely threatening or scary for him.
Tell him in person, would be my advice. Do it soon, don’t freak out too much about it, and enjoy the ride.
I really do appreciate the advice, guys. And hey, people always complain about how people never take the advice they ask for on the SDMB, but I totally did. And I probably wouldn’t have, if it hadn’t been for the posters here.
I ended up telling him about it, at like 3 am last night! It wasn’t face to face, but at least it was in chat, not email… It was pretty weird and awkward, but at least I don’t have to worry about him not knowing anymore. And he still wants to see me tonight, so whatever.
He’s not a particularly romantic or, I guess, a particularly reassuring person. But if I’m honest, I could have had plenty of normal ordinary boyfriends in the past but what I want is him. So we will see what happens.
Note: Nobody told me the next day my body would be achy and sore. My mind was awake, but my body was devastated. Kind of all of a sudden cramming a whole week of exercise into a weekend when you’re already out of shape… Eh… which I guess it is what happened…
I was so nervous my first time that my legs were literally quivering…like I was freezing cold…which embarrassed me horribly…
Any guy worth putting there will understand and take necessary measures to make sure you’re comfortable. Don’t expect fireworks the first time. Do expect to be treated gently and considerately. Like anything else, sex takes practice. I was a pro at getting myself off, but it takes a little practice to get good at involving somebody else in the process.
And don’t forget that regardless of how odd or awkward or nervous you feel, you will get over it and laugh about it later. It’s like riding a bike; your mind will get in the way of what your body already knows how to do. So go easy on yourself and don’t go into it with all kinds of expectations. Just do it and have fun and remember that it only gets better!
CONDOMS. CONDOMS. CONDOMS. Oral contraceptives or other forms of non-barrier birth control are only good on their own **after **you’ve both been tested for STDs.
Oh boy, this. Keep in mind, sex uses a whole crapload of muscles you don’t ordinarily put into play.
This, too. I was never able to get off with the first three guys I slept with (and not exactly for a lack of effort on their part).
But don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I definitely have no interest in getting pregnant. Probably not ever and certainly not now.
)