Virginity: albatross or treasure? Advice needed

In My Humble Opinion
21

First of all, it’s neither an albatross nor a treasure, BUT… it is something you will remember for the rest of your life (unless you do it drunk, which I don’t recommend), whether for good or ill. I lost mine to someone for all the wrong reasons (mostly because I felt it was an albatross and I thought I loved him, which was a rationalization… forgive the TMI); he turned out to be a bastard and now I have to recall him as my first forever.

Learn from the wisdom of my mistakes. My advice? Wait until you find someone you really like and respect. Have sex with her because you feel it’s the right next step for your relationship. I know it sounds corny, but you’ll thank me later.

I’m 32, so I’d be pretty damn surprised to be dating a virgin; it wouldn’t turn me off or anything, but it would make me think twice before just jumping into bed with him. As I said above, I think it should be a meaningful experience, so I wouldn’t want to plunge in (pardon the pun) heedlessly. This is not to say it’s a deal-breaker, but it would cause me to be more considered, mostly because I’d want him to have a positive experience and feel good about it (and me) later. So yeah, I’d want to know, mostly so I could be considerate of him.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to go about this whole thing in a way that will leave you with nothing but fond memories later.

22

Personally, I’d be pissed if you told me after the fact. But then again, I’m huge on open honesty in relationships and I don’t get into bed with anyone without at least some conversations about sex. A guy would have to take effort to decieve me, and that is not acceptable from someone I’m sleeping with.

But other than that, nothing much changes. (Well, there’d probably be a few more converstaions before actually getting into it, informed consent and all. )

And as a quick hint, go for someone you care about, it works better that way. And remember that sex is funny/fun. A lot of “beginners” take sex way too seriously, which destroys the fun aspect. Sex is way more like an amusement park than a ritual, run around laughing and see what fun things to do you can find.

As for proficiency - every first time with a new partner isn’t goingt o be half as good as the fifth. People are different and it takes a bit to figure out how to work together. The best lover I have had to date is a man who has a gifted ability to pay attention to how I’m feeling while in bed. A high level of attention and concern for your partner’s enjoyment and you can nearly instantly become a stellar lover. Pay attention to what they like, and let them know what you like. If you (or they) don’t know, experiment.

23

Personally, I think it’s cool when a guy is a virgin. In fact, I would find it to be a big turn-off if I knew a guy I was interested in was promiscuous. I work in healthcare and I’m used to treating strangers’ body fluids with caution, so I expect the same caution from those who I would trust enough to sleep with. :slight_smile:
So, obviously, I would definitely want to know the guy was a virgin beforehand, and would consider it a good sign.
I don’t know how common it is statistically for 25+ year olds to be virgins, but you’re certainly not the only one. I’m friends with a couple of guys who are a few years older than you and are still virgins. As I recall from a thread that was going a few months ago, you’re not even close to having the record on this board for “Oldest Virgin”. :slight_smile:

24

I dated a guy who was a virgin, when I was not (not by a long shot, heh).

Of course, I did the “why?” because if it as religion, then I’d drop it. If it was “I just haven’t had the opportunity, but would like to” then it’s fair game.

It took longer for me to have sex with him because I wanted to make sure that he was ready (which, it turns out, he wasn’t, but I found that out about a year after we broke up).

If I hadn’t know he was a virgin, I would’ve been much more anxious for sex, and would’ve pushed for it more. Then I might’ve been hurt if he turned me down, not knowing he was a virgin.

I think if a woman knows the man’s a virgin, she’ll be much more accepting of awkwardness and low skill level. There’s always a chance that her expectations will be lower than your skill level, which means she’ll be impressed by the virgin, instead of let-down by a guy she assumes has had lots o sex (an assumption I’d make of most 25 y/o males, even the nerds I know).

My handful of change.

25

I’m a woman in my twenties. I’ve deflowered a couple of virgins. It’s fun!

For the record, I wasn’t in a dating relationship with either of them at the time, but both times it turned into a fairly good one. The sex improves with practice, and the practice isn’t likely to be unpleasant. Other people have covered the “when to tell” stuff fairly well, and their advice probably works out nicely if you’re actually dating. If you don’t get around to making the virgin disclosure until after you’re not one anymore, that’s no tragedy either, provided you’ve been safe and used condoms and preferably an additional form of birth control properly.

The advice I’d most like to give male virgins (and the reason I’ve divulged all that other stuff): practice masturbating with condoms (and lube!) before it becomes necessary to use one! You’ll have enough new experiences to absorb just in having sex with another person. Why throw learning to feel comfortable with a condom into the mix? Go out there and buy yourself some condoms and lube and get to it! :slight_smile:

26

Buying a pack of condoms knowing full well that I won’t be getting to use them for their intended purpose would just be downright depressing.

27

You should definitely tell her beforehand.

And I’ve never been with a virgin (that I know of), but if I were (and I won’t, I’m married) I would consider it a personal challenge to rock his world. C’mon, how many chances do you get to be THE standard everyone else has to live up to? I’d trot out so many tricks I’d put Copperfield to shame.

“You’re a virgin? Say, do you have an extension cord? I want to move the refrigerator next to the bed.”

28

Think of it as “batting practice.” :slight_smile: Sure, standing in a batting cage swinging at baseballs being lobbed out of a machine isn’t as exciting as being in a game, but once you’re in a game after that, it’ll be a lot easier to deal with the pressure.

I had a human sexuality class in college, where during one discussion period, the TA brought in a bunch of zucchini and a lot of condoms. (She said she got some really weird looks at the checkout.) She showed us the proper way to put one on, including info like pinching the reservoir tip shut during the start of the unrolling to help avoid air bubbles, that you might want to add a drop of lube inside the condom’s tip to help the guy have more sensation, and so on. Plus the hint that a novice woman might not think of - do not ever snap the condom while trying to adjust it. Then she divided us up into groups of 4 and passed out the supplies, and we each had to take turns putting a condom on the zucchini.

29

The only virgin I was ever with was my husband-to-be, and I was a virgin too. I think it’s reaonable to say that sex was not very good for quite a long time. I think HE enjoyed it, but I know I did not very much. He hadn’t gotten practiced at controlling his thrusts, had no real understanding that he could (and did) hurt me, and had an idea (probably from adult movies) that hard-and-fast provides women the same sensation that it provides to men.

It got better. If I had the opportunity to go to bed with a virgin today, knowing what I know, I’d probably turn him off because I’d want to teach him and he’d get his ego all bent out of shape and we wouldn’t end up in bed at all. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy “rocking his world”, if I got the chance. But I would be a lot more tolerant and understanding of a virgin’s clumsiness than I could be when I was also a virgin, and sex was painful and I still thought it was this solemn, sacred thing, and not fun, playful, bonding, and all of the things I know it to be today.

Personally, I’d be pleased to get into a relationship with a virgin out of the simple fear of STDs. I mean, that’s a benefit you just might not think of, and worth considering staying celibate for - imagine giving THAT gift to your future wife: health.

30

People who go to batting cages usually do it to work on their game, and have either played the game before or will be playing it again soon.

I’ve never even stepped foot on the diamond.

And besides, I’m not gonna know shit going into it anyway, so what does it really matter whether or not I know how to use a condom? She’s already going to have to be forgiving of my lack of skill, I think she will be able to deal with my first experience of putting on a condom too.

31

Analogies are rarely perfect.

Because that would be intentionally making the whole event more difficult - or rather, failing to do something that would help avoid that. But if that’s what you want, that’s fine.

32

Male of the species here, didn’t get laid until I was 28. Combination of reasons, but certainly not for lack of wanting to. :slight_smile:

My experience was that my virginity was more of a problem for me than my prospective partners. I only really revealed the fact to the first woman I slept with, pretty much at the stage when it was abundandtly clear that we were going to have sex that night and I didn’t want her to necessarily expect that the earth would move. (It eventually did, but not that night.)

But the fact of my virginity weighed on me, seriously deflating my self-esteem, and as various abortive relationships came and went, I began to wonder if it was going to be a perpetual thing, which in turn affected my confidence, which led to my relationships being short, etc., etc. I probably unconsciously sabotaged relationships when physical intimacy was a possibility in fear that my virginity would be the relationship-breaker. So my virginity was a big deal, in that I let it get to me and diminsh my confidence, when really, it didn’t need to.

I think it’s not a small coincidence that when I finally had the confidence to make a move was when a lot of other things in my life were just going really well, and my self-esteem was pretty high.

33

First off, let me say thanks to everyone for their amazing responses, and sorry for being away from the thread for so long, and don’t feel snubbed if I didn’t quote you below - I think the best posts in here speak for themselves. :slight_smile:

Well, in one case, it just didn’t feel right (I was a little too drunk and not that attracted to her.) In the second case, she was, uh, fifteen years old, and I was twenty-two, and in another case, I was just an idiot.

I agree, I’m not really looking for random sex.

I definitely hope I’m on the ball enough to be able to laugh at funny moments. No reason to check your sense of humor at the bedroom door, I suppose.

(Didn’t I once read an absolutely hilarious thread around here somewhere about the funniest sex encounters people had had? One of which involved a wooden leg falling off?)

I don’t think I’m some unique wunderkind or something, just that I’m definitely on the far end of the bell curve somewhere.

Oh man, does this mean I’d get to drink beer while I was having sex? There’s probably some downside that I’m not seeing though.

jeevmon, thanks for your perspective, I will look out to make sure that it doesn’t get me down. I do have a pretty high level of self-esteem and self-confidence so I’m not super worried.

Yeah, there will be a condom, and I’ll certainly mention beforehand that I’m a virgin, but not before it’s too late for her to back out. :smiley:
I would actually feel like a major-league ass if I didn’t mention it beforehand, the only reason I wouldn’t is if it would completely eighty-six my chances.

34

Well, for one thing, knowing how to put on a condom would be one step away from not knowing shit. For another, breakage or slippage wouldn’t make any night better, but especially not a first time.

35

No, no, no… Believe me, that is likely to result in a very brief,and for her at least, not very satisfying experience.

My advice is, ask what she likes, give it a shot, and ask again. Watch and listen, and ask.

36

The condom practice I hadn’t thought of before, but it’s very good advice. My first time was literally “a” time because I stuffed up 5 of the 6 condoms putting them on.

Turns out that I just can’t seem to get that one brand on without a major struggle for some reason, and I wish I knew that at the time!

37

On the condom question, if I were you, I’d ask her to put it on for you. It would reduce your stress and most women don’t mind.

38

I lost my virginity to another virgin, which was… strange. It would have been much more helpful if one of us knew what we were doing.

But frankly, I’ve been with some beginners who were very good, and some so called “experienced” guys that were terrible. The sex part is pretty simple. It’s a basic function, and mostly self explanatory. If you’re good at going down on a girl, good at kissing, good at making sure that she’s enjoying it, it will probably be good sex.

And would I care if a guy told me he was a virgin? Nah, sounds like a challenge. Sounds like fun! “So, do we have this room for 3 days or 4? I don’t want to have to rush.”

39

Another 25 year old virgin here, pretty much on the same page as you. I’ve had the opportunities before, and although I sometimes kick myself in the head for not taking advantage of the situation, I’m pretty happy with my decisions. If you’ve held out for this long, you might as well make sure your first time is going to be with someone you respect and care enough for that it’s not only going to be special for you, but will be special for them. In most of my instances, I knew beforehand that it wasn’t going to be that big a deal for them, and the way things went afterwards pretty much proved it. So far, there’s only one girl I feel is deserving enough of my virginity, but that’s surrounded by other issues, so all that’s done has set a pretty high bar for the next girl.
But it will come to pass, I’m sure (dear GOD, let it come to pass). At times, it does get confusing as to whether you’re holding out for a valid reason or not. The fact that it’s become important to me makes it something special, and the fact that these girls became rather excited at the prospect of being my first means, to some extent, it’s seen as something special to them as well. We just weren’t on the same page is all, and if you’ve been in any relationship, you know when that happens, it can lead to trouble.
And then there’s always the case of “Is this going to be a one time thing?” Because if so, what’s the point of losing your virginity, opening yourself up to a whole new world of sexual frustration, then not being able to satisfy it? Wait till you’re in a solid relationship with mutual respect. Bring it up, but don’t force the issue, wait till you’re both ready, and then there you go.
Oh, and practice using condoms and make sure you’ve got them present. Don’t make your first time your last, you know? And hey, thanks for bringing up the subject, because it’s something I’ve been focusing a bit too much on lately, so it’s good to see I’m not alone and gain a bit more perspective on it.