After a nice dinner at the local chop house, we went to see The Dark Night, it was sold out, so we went to Barnes & Nobles. I bought some books for you and your son. You made some wisecracks about my faith.
On the way back, I pointed out the exit to where I am staying. You drove to your house. I met your cat. You put moves on me. I rejected them. Some somewhat harsh words were exchanged.
You drove me home. It was awkward to say the least.
I appreciate (at some level) being desirable, but no I do not fuck on the first date. I simply have too much emotional baggage to do that. Hell, I am fifty years old. I am unwilling to make a commitment like that so soon after meeting you.
Well, in some slight defense of the other party…you bought fairly expensive presents for her and her son, on rather slight acquaintance. So perhaps she was assuming, as so often is the case, that “I buy you and your son presents = you will have sex with me later”. That is the predominant social equation, yanno. And the harsh words might have been chagrin on her part at having misread the situation, not merely dissing you because you wouldn’t put out, i.e. she came on to you because you bought her presents, therefore she assumed that “coming on to you” was what you expected.
And may I mention that if you gender-bend and make the OP female…it’s not Pit thread material, it’s just another bad date. Women put up with sort of thing all the time. All the time.
I don’t think she wanted you to feel like a jerk. I also don’t think it’s wrong if a person feels a connection and wants to get down with the object of their affection on the first date. Now…if she persisted and really tried to push you into it, that’s another story. But if it was just a misunderstanding, give her a break. You don’t have to feel the same way, but it doesn’t make her a bad person because she finds you hot and irresistable.
You’re not a jerk. Geez, when I read your post, I thought it was really cool to hear a guy seeing sex as a stage of commitment and not something casual. It takes me a while to want to go to that level with someone too. I find sex utterly boring and pointless without a certain level of trust and communication in the relationship.
The expectation of when to have sex is just another one of those compatibility things, though. Yeah, I’ve had some first and second dates where I felt like you did. I mean, really, if it comes down to harsh words on a first or second date when people are supposedly putting their best foot forward, I don’t even wanna know what we’d be like together once we got to know each other. But it was just one woman and one evening. There are other fish in the sea, and there are women who would really value your approach to sex.
I don’t think it was the misunderstanding that was the problem, so much as this:
Someone talked about gender-bending the OP. I think if a man got knocked back on the first date and started in with the harsh words on account of disappointed expectations, he’d be ripped a new one here in less time than it takes me to advance the possibility.
I’m sorry you had this happen to you. Don’t stop dating (in fact, my phone number is… ). I think there was some role reversal (or gender expectation reversal) going on, but that doesn’t excuse the woman’s behavior–in either sex, she was a boor. There are too many women who think that a man is always willing to say yes to whatever “temptation” they might offer. That said, I have to agree with the sentiment posted above re switching the pronouns: this is just business as usual for many, many women. It’s happened to me with it said that “but I bought you dinner!”. :rolleyes:
Chalk it up to one night lost, instead of an investment of several dates or weeks. That feeling of being a jerk? That’s her manipulating you. Men do it too, to women who have said no, except we’re called frigid bitches and other nice things (I hope she didn’t stoop to name calling–if she did, write her off completely). In fact, write her off anyway–you were polite, bought her son something and this is how she treats you? Fuck her–or in the immortal words of George Carlin: “unfuck [her]!”
Actually, if it had been me with a guy doing the driving, I’d have been upset well before the harsh words came. Paul said he pointed to the exit to his place and she ignored him and drove him to hers. Speaking as a woman, if that had been me, that would have put me on the alert for a rape attempt. But also as a woman, I never would have put myself in that situation. First date with someone I don’t know well, and I always have my own transportation separate from his.
Nothing wrong with wanting teh sex. It just depends on how gracefully you handle it when, against all expectation, he doesn’t want Your Great Gift right then and there.
Women put up with sort of thing all the time. All the time.