Dear She Who Must Not Be Named-
WTF? I mean really, WTF? We have had an on-again, off-again relationship for over twenty years. The sex was incredible, but frankly it was not enough to put up with all your drama.
You are a self-centered bitch who never gave me a thought. Hell, when your plane was diverted on 9-11 you holed up on some Caribbean island and never even contacted me. WTF?
You have never said a nice thing to me. I seriously cannot recall the last time you said a nice thing to anyone. It is hard for you to be nice since of course you are better than the rest of us. Hell, I once told you I liked a certain style because it made me look elegant. You told me I did not look elegant. Thankyouverymuch. You have millions of dollars and yet are unwilling to spend a penny of your own to meet during my trips to the Real World. Not a freaking penny.
It is a cursed relationship. I am an American who speaks little Spanish. You are a Latina who was raised in Hell as near as I can tell. The cultural differences are huge.
Being with you has been exciting. Dangerous, sometimes painful, and exciting. Loving you has been like having a bowling alley installed in my head. Never a minute of rest or comfort. I have actually feared for my life from time to time.
Hell, when we ran off to Missouri we actually got a marriage license before you ran back home. (Of course we were in Missouri and who can blame anyone for fleeing Missouri, especially in winter? But still, it hurt.)
Then there is the issue of your family. They do not like me. Most especially your husband, why that is I do not understand but suspect it is some sort of cultural thing.
So now I am set to be married and you have the supernatural ability to e-mail from out of the blue and say the most hurtful things to me. How do you manage that? How did you become such an expert at hurting people? Perhaps it is a natural talent.
You once famously said you “never cry, never smile.” Look seek medical help; the rest of us would like to get on with our lives. I have found a scrap of love and comfort after all these years. A person to settle with, to grow old with, and you manage to write me concerning your hurt and how I have hurt you in the past.
I will of course reply to your e-mail with a kind, unthreatening note that is my way of being passive-agressive with you. Not that you will take the freaking hint.
I will make a point of not letting you know where my new bride and I will settle. People like you carry both grudges and weapons.
(I do hope however you will be able to write your customary check for a house as you do at the weddings of your cousins. Seriously, cash is always welcome.)
Elsewise, leave me, leave us, alone.
