Advise me or at least keep me from being EVEEEEL

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Backstory – some of you might remember one of my first threads. I spoke of an old flame with whom I had begun communicating online. I was concerned since he and I have a very volatile relationship history. Many people advised against the communications, and based on the information (and you guys not knowing me in real life) it was very good advice. Exactly the advice I would have given someone in the same boat. Of course, since I am bringing it up, you know that I ignored all that advice :smiley: But that’s because I know me IRL and I know him IRL - after a bit of initial jealousy from my husband, things are great. The Old Flame (OF) and I have laid out ground rules defining appropriate and inappropriate and my husband is cool with our friendship. I am happy, hubby is happy and OF seems happy about the arrangement. All is well on that front.

Now, on to the meat of the issue. Contacting my OF got my husband to thinking about one of his exes. One with whom he would have shared his life if only she had answered a letter when he deployed to Saudi in 1991. She never answered that letter and his life moved in a totally different (and I would like to believe, better) direction. He always wondered why she didn’t answer the letter – he knew that when he got back from that deployment that she was married and pregnant, and assumed that she just didn’t feel the way he thought she did about him. I urged him to contact her, so as to be able to close that door.

Let me just say that I have no problem with my husband communicating with anyone. Sure, he is a good-looking guy, he’s a sweet, nurturing type who some might honestly think is too good for me, since I freely admit that I am a cold-hearted bitch – but in the end, I know that my husband loves me and I him. I am secure in my marriage or I might be concerned. Long story short, my husband contacted this woman – who is currently married (for like 15 years to the same man) and has 3 kids. She is currently serving as a local PTO president for her (I assume) kids’ school. Apparently, according to her, she is on several committees, boards, etc in the community.

She never got over my husband. He contacted her with the belief that he would get an answer as to why she never responded and then they could move on and become friends in the present. He thought that it is a wonderful thing that my OF and I are such close friends and have no interest in rekindling the past – and wanted that with this woman. She has other ideas. She messaged him every 5 minutes (via myspace and googletalk) for the first 2 days. While her messages weren’t vulgar, they were what I consider inappropriate. In other words, she was writing things like “tell me what my life would be like if you and I were together instead,” and “tell me that it makes you sad that I am with someone else.”

To be honest, I almost felt sorry for her. She apparently believes that she made a mistake in not trying to find and re-unite with my husband those years ago and is apparently stuck in a marriage that doesn’t make her happy. The sympathy was short-lived, though, when she started trying to get me involved in her little melodrama bullshit. She began messaging with people on my friend list on myspace. My husband sent her an email that stated in no uncertain terms that he would not tolerate her creating drama in my life – I am pretty sure she took it as a challenge, considering the following:
*On Saturday morning, my husband left for his annual 2-week training with the Nat’l Guard. He went to MS, leaving out of here around 6 am. Around 10 am, our house got flooded. I mean 4" of water in our livingroom floor flooded. Once the waters subsided and I got out of the house (we had no internet or phone at that point), and made contact with everyone to let everyone know what was going on, I sought out a computer on which to let my internet friends know that I would be offline for a few days minimum. I posted a bulletin on my myspace, which I cross-posted on my husband’s. She decided to take that opportunity to message me and say that she was “an old friend” of my husband’s and how “sorry” she was. Oh and by the way, she just “loves <husband> dearly as a friend and is sorry to hear <we’re> having trouble with him out of town.” I know, maybe it was legit, but again, you have to trust that I know this person IRL – she just doesn’t remember me, apparently – and I know what she was pulling.
*Monday evening, my husband sent me a text message on my phone asking me to look at his email – he had been sent a myspace invitation. He already has a myspace profile, anyone searching for him by name would have found it easily. The email that is connected with his myspace profile is different from the one he has been using to talk to Psycho Bitch (PB). PB is the only person that has the email address to which the myspace invite was sent that might possibly send him any kind of BS like that. The profile that sent the invite was set up as a “21 year old single female” in Gallatin (a town right next door to us).
*Last night, my husband, sick of the drama and games and BS, sent PB an email saying “Litoris is going to be pissed, but I changed my passwords so I could try to find out what you are trying to pull. Why did you send me the myspace invite from a bogus profile, why are you messaging my wife and what are you trying to pull.” (well, not exactly, but that was the gist of it) Now – he didn’t really change his passwords, because he has nothing to hide from me. We have a very open relationship and share a lot more than most married couples. He received a reply from her today where she basically reamed him for “allowing your wife to even know about my talking to you.” Told him he should have deleted all his emails and messages from her so I couldn’t read them. She went on to say that she only replied to my bulletin (not quite the truth, but I can accept it) to “show that we have nothing to hide.” How her messaging me shows that she has nothing to hide, I don’t know. I mean, I have nothing to hide, but you don’t see me messaging random people to “prove” it. She also said that the bogus profile isn’t hers – she was “helping a friend set up their profile” (did I mention that PB lives in East TN? about 3-4 hours from us, and the profile was supposedly for someone in the town 5 minutes from us? Yeh) when the imaginary friend “accidentally hit the invite” – for those not aware, it is about a 3-step process to invite someone to myspace, not just an “oops, didn’t mean to click that button” process.

My husband is pissed and rightly so. I mean, he reached out to her as a friend, making it clear that although he is sorry that things might have been different in another universe he is happy the way things are and wishes only to be friends. When she referred to me as “your…Litoris” (yeh, not “your wife” or even just Litoris) he reminded her that I am his wife and that she has a husband. She told him point-blank that she was not going to tell her husband about their communications. She even went so far as to set up a “private” PO Box address that her husband doesn’t know about for my husband to contact her via. Because he doesn’t have email and myspace and whatever else??? Honestly, that’s the weirdest/creepiest part of this story – seriously, in this day and age, WTF communicates via snail mail? Is she wanting him to send her his used underwear? GAH!

Sorry, I digress. Ok, so surely by now, we are all in agreement that this bitch is psycho and that my husband royally fucked up in contacting her. OK, I am not mad at him, he had no way of knowing she was a nutjob after 16 years, and I don’t blame him, shit – I suggested he message her, right?

Hubby is pissed and he is definitely wanting to “deal with it,” but of course, he is still at AT, with limited computer time. What little time he has on the computer, he would rather use to look at the dirty pictures I send him, so I told him not to worry about PB til he gets home. Don’t stress, ya know?

Here’s the thing – I honestly just want to fuck her world up. Not because she wants my husband (who could blame her? He’s a hottie!), but because she blatantly stirred up shit just to fuck with me when he told her not to. And, oh, yeh, because it would be soooooooo easy. I wonder how much a full-page ad would cost in a little shit-hole town newspaper – I can see it now “meet your local PTO President – here are her IMs and EMails with my husband” – with everything printed in full, un-edited glory. Or how about just sending hard copies of them all to her husband via certified mail? Maybe I could just edit the Winfield, TN wikipedia entry (if there is one) with all of this information? Maybe just send all of it to the elementary school so they know what their PTO President is like? Hmmmm…so someone remind me why I shouldn’t do this? Or maybe I just want to vent? hmmmm…

For whomever posted that “ever send an olive branch, how’d it go” thread – ask my husband…

2

Don’t stick your hand in the crazy.

3

I know it is tempting, but you really shouldn’t do it. Sounds like PB has enough problems in her marriage and her kids don’t deserve the stress. And if you so something like that her kids will also suffer, which isn’t fair.

It is tempting, tho…

4

This is a CLASSIC time to write The Letter You Will Not Send. These are terrific instruments to help work through some rage.

Write out everything. Be as spiteful and nasty as you want. Lay out all her wrongs and your reactions to those wrongs.

Then seal it in an envelope and put it away for a week or a month. Open it and see if you still feel that way, or of you’ve toned down. If you still feel that way, consider sending it – heck, she’s got a PO, right? If you don’t feel the same way, just tear it up and move on.

Do keep firmly in mind that any retaliation makes you just as much of a spycho bitch as she is; even more so, because you’ve already “won.” You already have the best revenge of living well. To stoop to her level is to dishonor how very satisfactory your life is now.

5

Attention of any sort is what is called, in behavior science, positive schedule reinforcement. It is a very effective way to increase the frequency of any observed behavior.

To put it bluntly, saying you don’t care once, at home, alone, quietly means you really don’t care. Every iteration after that is evidence that you do care. Letting her know that you care means “please fuck with me, every chance you get, for years and years.”

I speak crazy. Silence is the only answer.

Tris

6

Hijack-

You realize that certain members of our armed forces make it a personal challenge to find pictures of naked women that were either opened at communal computers or sent from communal computers, right?

hijack over

Avoid her, not worth the drama.

7

If he agrees with you in how crazy she is, then he needs to send her an E-mail saying that he never, ever wants to hear from her in any way, shape, or form again. Period. Then block her from every method of communication possible. If you have any way of logging IPs on Myspace, turn that on. Delete any messages from her, uncommented upon, from your Myspace accounts if that’s possible.

As the others said, don’t mess with crazy.

8

You’ll ignore the advice again, but don’t mess with it. Just let the flame die out. Step away from the shitstorm and let it run its course. You don’t want this shit in your family, even though you seem to be happy with some level of chaos flying about.

9

Ditto and Amen.

10

Oh, and the only reason I’m suggesting the “never contact me again” message is in case she gets all crazy-stalkerish, cause I wouldn’t put it past her. That way you can confirm to the cops if/when it gets to that point that yes, you did tell her to never contact you, because you generally need to have done that first to prove that stalking is really going on.

11

First off, I will try to respond to everyone, as you all have some great points. Since I am still trying to clean the mud out of my carpets, I don’t get on the computer at the house much. I am taking a break right now, cuz my tummy is all icky-oogy.

Cowgirl Jules, I love the simplicity of your reply. I believe I will have to begin using that phrase in my everday life…

SnakesCatLady, that is the crux of why I even asked to be talked out of my desire to fuck her world up. She is fucking with me and my kids. She asked my husband repeatedly about my daughter (she isn’t his, but PB has no way of knowing that, since they are both blonde/blue-eyed) – while avoiding answering any questions about her own family – that put me on edge as you can imagine.

Triskadecamus, I speak crazy, too and you are right. This is why I have been silent the whole time. When she messaged me via myspace, I read it and did not reply. I wrote a million replies in my head that I would enjoy sending, but never hit the reply button. I really do understand the situation more than my OP may have suggested.

Beadalin, the funny thing is – I freely admit that I am a psycho-bitch :smiley: Seriously, though that is why I wanted to be talked out of doing any of the million things I could do to fuck with her – I know that if I sink to her level then she has “won” in that she has succeeded in pissing me off and seeing that she has pissed me off. Currently, she only knows that she has managed to piss my husband off by trying to fuck with me – which is probably the best possible thing for her to have to deal with.

dahfisheroo – as if I would have a problem with the other guys seein’ my naughty pictures? Heh – hubby would be like “hey, guys, look at the pictures Litoris just sent me – oh mah gawd!”

Ferret Herder – that is basically what is going to happen. I just hate that my husband will have to waste his precious few minutes that he gets online down there having to email PB. I told him unless she bumps her psychosis up a notch before he gets home, he can do it when then. He understands that it has to be done, though. Even if she doesn’t contact him at all again before he sends her the “that’s it, never attempt to contact me again” email, it still needs to be sent so as to send a clear message to her that this kind of shit will not be tolerated.

Least Original User Name Ever, let me work backwards – what makes you think I “seem to be happy with some level of chaos” in my life? Odd statement to make about someone with whom you have never conversed. Personally, I abhor drama – it is one of the reasons I haven’t spoken with my mother since the early '90’s. As for the advice you (and everyone else) gave and whether or not I will take it, you should realise that the heading of my OP was not just “advise me” but “advise me or at least keep me from being eveeel.”

You see, LOUNE, I needed to vent. I needed to have someone remind me that I am the adult here (even though, funny enough, I am the youngest of the 3 of us) and that it is not worth my time to deal with shit like this. I came to the SDMB for that reminder because, quite frankly, most of the people that I know would encourage me to let the evil out. Unfortunately, most people do like watching shit like that go down and would encourage it. Their advice – I wouldn’t take.

The reason I didn’t take the earlier advice in the other thread is that I know the people involved and there was a lot more to the story than I put in the post. I did take a little advice in being more forward with letting my husband know what was going on – like I said, after some initial jealousy, things smoothed over. But this is not about that situation – that situation is less of a situation than just another day.

As for the current situation – I will not do anything until my husband decides if he wants to wait until he gets home to deal with it or not. I honestly think he should deal with it now, because I know him and know that he will be stressed out until it is dealt with, but I also know that he is a very thoughtful, kind and loving person who will want to deal with it in such a way as to not cause more pain than he needs to – even under the circumstances. Once he deals with it, then I will reply to her message and tell her in no uncertain terms to never contact me or my children again in any way, shape or form. I will then block her from accessing my or my daughter’s myspace page. I have an IP tracker on my page and will put it on my daughter’s as well. Believe me, having been stalked in the past, I know exactly how to deal with the issue on my end.

It doesn’t mean I won’t still enjoy thinking about that full-page ad :smiley: Just that I am mature (or maybe selfish) enough to not follow through on it.

12

Hey, you sure sound like the grown-up to me! Grown-ups don’t blindly follow advice, because, as you say, lots of advice is crap. Grown-ups listen to advice, consider it, consider points of view unknowable to the advice-givers, listen to their own guts, consult with loved ones, and then make the most informed decision possible. Which it sounds like you did then and you’re doing again now.

I know a lot of people seem irritated with personal sagas being brought to MPSIMS. I’m not one of them. I think this place is a great venue for venting and bouncing ideas off people without risking arrest or drama. Of course, one can go too far and cause Dope drama - but at the very worst, you can turn off your computer and never come back. Turning off your marriage and your family because you spoke before considering the angles is much more painful and harder.

So vent away, I say! If you want to vent TMI, vent to my email if you want - it’s in my profile.

13

I’m completely down with the venting. I’ve no problem at all when it comes to venting on the Dope either. Sometimes people need to get stuff off their chest, and that’s great. It’s better than bottling it up.

You “asked for advice” before with your old flame and ignored what advice we did give when you asked for it before. I’m of the school of thought where I wouldn’t have brought an old flame into it. I wouldn’t have brought an old flame back into a happy marriage. Some times it can work out, and in your case (so far) it’s working out just fine, but I see no reason to add an extra variable where there isn’t one.

Now, seriously, if the situation with your old flame is fine, then good. More power to you. If it’s something you wanted to do to close a chapter, that’s cool. Personally, I wouldn’t have gone that far.

As for the comment about being happy over some level of chaos, part of it is a feeling. The other part is a reaction to bringing an old flame into the mix and then encouraging your hubby to do the same. Your situation ended up smoothly and nicely, your hubby’s didn’t, and I’m pretty sure you realize that (because you said so).

I dunno, I think I’d be better off keeping the ex in the past and keeping my head in the present. Again, if it all works out for you on both fronts, I think it’s the exception and not the rule. If it helps any bit (which it doesn’t), I’m all for getting the Psycho Bitch out of the picture completely. I’d consider deleting, then recreating the MySpace profile, but I think you can search for a person by email address, so that’s probably not going to help in the long run. What you said in your last paragraph is ideal.

14

Least Original User Name Ever, thanks for the response. I understand your point, and I would normally completely agree with you that bringing an old flame into the picture is a bad idea. In this case, well – I know the history of me and mine, and I hoped for the best and got it. Sometimes, you just kind of know when the timing is right. It is good for both of us – he is in a loving relationship and so am I – I think that makes all the difference in the world. If he were unhappy in his relationship, I think things may have gone in a bad direction, but that’s not the case. I have to say that I am still very close to all of my exes (save for one, long story, and I wouldn’t piss up his ass if his guts were on fire – FYI) and that works out fine, since my husband knows that there is a reason they are all “exes” and not “currents.”

As for PB – Hubby and I spoke on it this morning. We are both in agreement that it would be best for him to send her the “don’t ever contact me or mine again via any media” email next chance he gets rather than waiting until he gets home. Again, I re-iterate that I would be ok with him having communications with her if it could be mature/adult/uncomplicated.

WhyNot, thanks for the offer to vent via email. I think I am ok now. It helped to see that other people agree that this situation is out of control. I mean, when she sent the invite from the bogus profile, well that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I could deal with her messaging my husband inappropriate stuff, I could deal with her stalking my friends via myspace just to fuck with me, hell, I could even deal with her setting up a PO Box just so my husband could send her mail (still – WTF’ing over that – honestly, who would do something like that?!?) but trying to make it look like he was getting stuff from random 21 year olds? Seriously, that was crossing the line.

As I said, once the hubby deals with it in his way, I will complete the process with my own “do not contact” message and proceed with blocking her. I did find that she has started using the same IP tracker I have, so she is able to block when she hits our profiles. I will have to get another IP tracker.

Thanks again, everyone who responded with the sage advice.

15

Now, without reading the other responses, and without considering the moral implications of this… it seems the first part of what I quoted, and the last part, match up beautifully.

As in: who wants to start an underwear pool for this poor PO box? Dopers of the world, send us your boxers, your briefs, and your thongs! :smiley:

On review, that would really suck for whoever gets the PO box next, still receiving other peoples’ underwear for years.

But it would be funny, too.

16

I love you. If I weren’t married…I can NOT believe I didn’t think of that. Although my husband did suggest posting that PO box address on the interwebs…

17

Yeah! Send the crazy to me! I like the crazy! :smiley:

18

I personally don’t get the attraction of re-opening past relationships, but I’m like that. Over is over for me.

Why does anyone need to send her a FOAD message? Why not just block her in all possible ways and move on with your lives?

19

You know, for my husband, there was a really big unanswered question. He wanted to find closure. I can understand that and I encouraged it – meh, closure is important to some people.

For me, well – it’s hard to explain, but I will try. I have never dated a guy with whom I wasn’t first friends, so when the dating ends, it is only natural for me to continue the friendship. I know it is unusual, and most people do not get this, but it is what it is.

Over is over, but I never understood throwing someone away just because I can’t be bf/gf with them. I never understood why this is such an unusual concept – just because I still care about someone doesn’t mean I want to fuck them.

So, sometimes I err on the side of optimism – I think that people are generally decent, normal and want normal, sane, healthy relationships. I was wrong in the case of this woman, but now Hubby and I know this and we will move on from this with a better understanding.

As for why the FOAD message – having had stalkers, I can assure you that the police deal with these things much better if you can show that the attention is 100% unwanted. The best way to do that is to show where the message was sent to and read by the other party. Also, I refuse to alter my life (deleting profiles and setting up new ones, etc) just because of one crazy.

Tuckerfan, I will just message her and let her know that hubby’s new email is…what’s your email addy again? :smiley:

20

Okay, that sounds like a good reason to give her one last, unequivocal get lost message.

I don’t agree with not changing your life over a crazy, though, if a few fairly easy changes like deleting profiles gets rid of a crazy. Your call though, of course.