Why We Won't Be Having Sex.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Jezebel’s recent piece The Unfuckables is a funny rundown of specific things men did that kept the writer, and many posters, from considering sex with them (number 12 is ‘Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it’s presumptuous and gross.’ Comments include: ‘Don’t explain your affinity for Black women by saying, "I saw this porno once, and there was this White guy eating out a Black chick and I thought One day, I want to be that guy! "’).

Pretty much a ‘What not to do when hitting on someone or while on a first date’ free-for-all (guys weigh in, too, with gems like ‘Don’t name my penis and talk to it in a baby voice’).

Feministe did a follow-up called How Not to Get it On that includes the gem: Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

Anyone else have helpful dating tips based on personal experience?

2

While on a date with me, don’t invite another guy to join us, and expect me to pay.

Yes, it really happened, and no, she wasn’t thinking “three-some!”

3

But if she was, would you have paid for him?

4

If you are about to give a guy a bj, it’s not sexy removing a palate with your 2 front teeth on it, in full view of the recipient.

5

It is generally not a turn-on to invite a woman back to your house when you live with your parents.

6

Vomits everywhere

7

Don’t tell me you have an incurable STD but you aren’t willing to wait until I can get vaccinated against it and that it is either sex now or not at all. Guess which option I’m going to pick, asshole?

8

If all I hear you saying is what scum you thought your exes were, what makes you think that I want to take a chance on becoming one of them?

If I can smell you before I get close to you–tobacco, pot, perfume, whatever–I won’t get close to you.

If your idea of a good time is to get drunk and forget everything, why do I not think you want to remember me?

9

Like you still wouldn’t! :smiley:

10

It’s a bad recording, but Leslie Fish wrote the infamous filksong (not a typo) That is not the way to get laid.

11

If you ask if I’m seeing someone and the answer is no, that does not automatically imply that I’m willing to date YOU.

12

Telling me all about you & your family’s psychohistory isn’t scoring you points.

Ditto smelling you before getting within reach.

13

“Also, should never high five when they are hitting on you or grab your waist like your their girl.”

Wait, what. Is this true? I do those things all the time.

14

Certainly, it would be startling at first, but how is this not a net positive overall?

:smiley:
before

:stuck_out_tongue:
after

15

I know someone who was in this EXACT situation once. He said that he went through with it (duh and ew simultaneously) but the sound of the plate’s suction releasing is now something he hears in his nightmares.

16

And imagine if it fell out during!

“Oh, excuse me, my teeth fell out.”
As for myself, despite avoiding all these pitfalls I am not that successful with the ladies.

I almost slept with a woman who puked in my neighbor’s lawn before we could get to my place.

(Please note I said almost!)

17

Mine: Don’t be a bad kisser. If you drool, stick your rigid tongue in my mouth and move it strictly clockwise, or suck my tongue so hard that the little flap underneath starts to give way, there’s no way I’m letting you get hold of my vagina.

18

When going in for a nice “hello” or “goodbye” peck on the lips, make sure that’s all it is. Flicking my lips with your tongue, very reminiscent of lizard, not cute or sexy, just “Eeew, WTF?”

And when surprise and dislike are communicated the first time, don’t do it AGAIN!!

Don’t say anything like “That’s my girl” on the first date. I’m not your girl, and now you’ve made sure I never will be. Oh, and Reservoir Dogs for an at-home dinner-and-a-movie-date, you’re sure not to get laid.

19

Don’t ask me if I’m always this boring followed by do I want to go back to the house and meet your frat brothers.

:dubious:

20

:o
During?